Offer Letter

I knew it was going to happen. I thought I was prepared. Then I get a text from The Principal that confirmed my worst fear... He got the job far, far way.

Sitting at my desk I hung my head like a pathetic loser and replied that I was thrilled for him. Tickled, really. Then I ate about four thousand M&M's in hopes they might make me feel better, which of course never really works.

I imagined how I would feel if I was offered the job I really wanted, was changing careers for the better, and had the opportunity to move. I would be on cloud 9 for sure! And I didn't want to be petty.... and I am so not the type of person to say "what about me?" But for the rest of the week, I wondered what would become of me after he is gone.

Every time we talked on the phone I was upbeat. The Principal was super stoked about the idea of buying a house... on land... that he could fix up... And didn't understand why I asked him when he would have time for such a project. His response was "What else am I going to do there besides work?"

Ummm... Drive to see your girlfriend in AZ every weekend like you said you would so we can still have a relationship despite being 300 miles away from one another! Of course I didn't say that. I kept my mouth shut. I'm doing that a lot lately and I think it might be poisoning me from the inside out.

I talked to Julie on the phone practically every night and she texted me during the day to see how I was doing. She knows I shut off and refuse to process things I don't like. At the beginning of the week when I was pining away and convinced that this relationship was doomed and my heart was on the fringe of breaking into a million pieces, Julie came over to pick some stuff up. She looked me over and quickly decided I would feel better if we had some cocktails and came up with a game plan.

According to Julie, a scripted idea of what I want to say to the Principal was the best way to go. I could hit all of my major points, leave no room for misunderstanding, and get a clear picture of where I stand with this man. Finally.

Points:

1) How does he feel about me?

2) Where does he see this relationship going?

I'm sure there were many more but by the time I arrived at his place Saturday night those were the only two that mattered to me. The see-saw of my emotions had gone from heart break to numbness in about two days, shifting me from verge of devastation to self-contained robot. This thing with the Principal was either going to work out... or not. One way or another. I could be direct and know where I'm heading.

I sat at the kitchen table while he made pizza. He was so... jubilant. So happy. And I was going to ruin it, again, with my talk of feelings.

"So, I need to ask you some questions."

"Uh-oh... 'Bout what?"

"Emotional stuff..."

Maniacal laughing.

"Well, you are moving to BFE in like a month and I think we should figure out where this is going."

"OK, ask your questions." Continues snickering.

"How do you feel about me?" I expected a long pause.

"Oh, I'm crazy 'bout ya." He answers immediately, with what I think is real enthusiasm. I actually blush, but I'm still too numb to let it penetrate all the way to my heart.

"Yeah? Well, I don't exactly know what that means."

"It means I'm crazy about you." He grins at me because he thinks this is fun now.

"OK... So what are your plans for this relationship. You know- goals, future."

More belly laughing, much teasing. The Principal should be glad he was cooking and I had no immediate access to cutlery.

"Just answer the question. You're going to be living in another state. I need to know what to expect, otherwise what's the point?"

The conversation went around and around and though I was composed on the outside, there is this strange ripping inside my chest. He's crazy about me. But he doesn't love me. Or he does love me but doesn't know how to say it? I'm sitting there asking, without asking, and he can't tell me yes or no. I tell him I'm an adult and I can take it. I hope I'm not lying.

Then the Principal admits that he know what I'm looking for. But then why does he continue to tease me and make me squirm? Is he really so evil? Because he's a big pussy. His words, not mine. I try to ask why but he's already off on another tangent about how I may be ruining a very romantic way he planned on telling me "It."
(Like this anonymous emotion is the equivalent to one of Stephen King's nightmares.)

"What if I was planning something really romantic?"

"You weren't."

"But what if I was? What if I was going to have a plane write it in the sky?"

"You wouldn't do that."

"I might... Or, I could have wanted to take you up in a hot air balloon, with champagne, and when you gazed down on the fields it would be written in the crops." With expansive hand gestures.

"You're afraid of heights and I'm allergic to champagne." I rolled my eyes and kicked him.

With that he threw up his arms and tried to escape back into the condo. I followed but only so I could kick him more directly in the ass. To my horror, he turned on me. Grabbed me by the waist and backed me against the kitchen table so he could stare directly into my eyes. He said my full name. Like in a bad after school movie. I rolled my eyes again.

"I really do love you."

I looked to the side. I couldn't resist.

"Would have been so much cooler if it had been written in the sky..."