Still

This weekend was Easter. My sister and brother-in-law flew into town late Thursday and stayed for the whole weekend. Pressuring me to bake cookies and such. It was lovely. My stomach is now a balloon.

The perfection of the weekend was overshadowed by the memory of last year when I was with Work Guy off in the opulent California meeting his family, riding in a dingy gazing at mansions. Someplace I desperately didn't feel I belonged. I couldn't help but think as I was driving home with my family Thursday night how last year I'd been in Newport on the side of the house making love listening to water lap in the bay. Getting scared that a boat would see us, running inside to take up where we left off. Or Sunday as I was cleaning offices, how uncomfortable I felt at the expensive country club watching heiresses trot around in sunhats with their metro sexual cohorts in lavender linen suits, only later to go back to the hotel and be taken passionately against a wall. Surely, history was repeating itself for him. Only with someone else. I'm sure he wasn't remembering.

Meanwhile, I sat on the patio texting the baby in front of my sister. He was bummed because it was overcast and he had really wanted to lay out to improve his tan. Meghan snorted.

I told her I wasn't really interested in him. Oh, flattered and elated someone was interested. But he wasn't really interested in me.

Funny how it all sometimes comes together. I fell in love with Work Guy, because he genuinely acted like he loved me. With all my imperfections he could look at me and take my breath away. I still wonder if I had fucked it all up by being scared, or if he simply didn't have the capacity to wait. If love was so permanent to me and transitory for him. Not that it matters, but as far as moving on I suppose it might.

I have also thought a lot about The Principal lately. Missing the little things which had led me to love him. There is always that if.... If I had been more patient or demanding or.... But that would not have changed the fact that he wanted me to fit in his life. Not partner in mine.

This weekend I saw a family friend who tried to date me a couple years ago, right before I met The Principal. Our families have been friends for years, my sister even dated his brother in high school. While his eyes were the same he kept his distance. He wanted to date me a month before he was leaving the country, spending his time between Idaho and South America with a month of Arizona in between. I had been connected to him, enchanted a little bit. He didn't understand why I would be concerned with his leaving. He would always come back and I could come to visit. Ha. I told him no. Then missed him desperately when he'd left. When he returned, he looked down his nose at me for dating The Principal. Now he communicates with my sister and treats me like a stranger.

BP Facebooked me today. I really need to get rid of the evil social network. "How are you? What have you been up to?" Go fuck yourself.

So, what is the recipe for love? Does it have to be easy? Do you just meet the right person and click? Or are some people just better off alone? I need to stop with the romance novels. They make you think the one you love will be willing to give up more than they would ever ask of you, and you would do so in return.

Not taking No

Well, Ange burst my little bubble. I told her I was seeing the baby aka Jacob again on Tuesday. Her response: He's too young to give you anything you need, except an ego boost. And damn her she was right.

I put it to the baby as bluntly as I could. There is no point in us dating when I want serious things and he just wants somebody to have fun with. I have wasted years just having fun with guys. I'm ready for a serious lasting, grown up marriage fest. His response: Can we still hang out? Is it bad that he still wants to kiss me?

In my younger years I was a wild and crazy kid. It wouldn't have mattered if I was going to date this guy or even if I was ever going to see him again. I would have kissed him the first time we met up just to see if I could, see how it was, for the excitement of it all.

I felt like a virgin telling him it wasn't fair to kiss people and not be looking for something more. Slowly, I am turning into someone else. But I feel it. The what the hell decisions of my past never made me happy. Usually I ended up utterly embarrassed and shaking my head the next day unbelieving I chose to be that stupid. His response: He's attracted to me and wouldn't mind us kissing in the meantime. He won't get attached, if that's what I'm worried about.

Holy fuck. Ange explained it in layman's terms to me: He just wants to put his p in my v. I cackled out loud to that text. She's the greatest.

Jacob and I were going to hang out as friends still on Tuesday, with him having every intention of kissing me. As Ange put it, divine intervention gave me a cold. I was relegated to the couch filling tissues with yellow snot instead of making out with the Tom Cruise-Taylor Lautner hybrid. Sigh. It was fate.

So, the baby keeps texting me, keeps pursuing. I tell him he's hot and surely has a gaggle of girls to make out with. He says he doesn't have anyone interested in him. Doesn't think he's hot. Was an unattractive kid. Good lord, am I dating a whiny super model? I had discovered him on Facebook so I pointed out that he couldn't think himself too unattractive if he has a shirtless background on his page. His response: Found me did you?

Ugh. Now we're Facebook friends. And the oldtimer in me is too stubborn to ask why the youngsters post things like #feelinfresherthanapeppermint. Pound sign and words all run together? Why? Why?

Dreams

Dreams have always meant too much to me. I remember mine the next day and for years to come. They're clear to me as movies, so clear that sometimes I wake feeling as if it had truly happened. Most times I realize I'm dreaming during it and observe. My most memorable dreams are of green water, but that's a different story.

When Work Guy first was pursuing me I dreamt of him one night when I lay beside the Principal. In my dream I was in bed alone, though it could have been any room, and so dark. All I saw was his face hovering over me. He was wearing a light blue baseball hat. He smiled and made to leave but I reached up and curved my hand around the back of his head, through his hair. So gently, I pulled his face to mine and kissed his lips. To keep him. That was it, but it was haunting. He had that exact hat on the night I forced him to meet with me after he broke my heart.

Through out our relationship I had a recurring dream about showing up at his door. His roommate would answer and give me a dirty look. I would ask for Work Guy. He would come up behind the door and stare at me. This was always the cliff hanger. The dream went one of two ways. 1) Work Guy would pause staring at me with an unreadable look which could be interpreted as angry, lost, stunned, then he would run forward, crush me against his chest and take me inside the house. 2) He would pause to stare at me with before mentioned look before demanding to know why I was there. I was not welcome.

Last night I dreamt I was with a man. No one in particular, but he was important. The object of my affection. But I never really saw him. He gave me a rope of a necklace. It was pinkish, strong and made of braided heart-flesh. It made me think of heart strings while I was dreaming it, but it was not very stretchy. He tied it around my neck, securing each end with black thread causing the ends to ball together like a fist. It was weighty. I was in awe. It was beautiful and he loved me.

It occurred to me as I kissed him in thank you that I was naked. The room had a rosy warm glow and I was pulsating with need for him. I just needed to be with him, have everything right then. He kissed me back but kept resisting slightly to say "sign it". Then that strange thing that happens to a dreams timeline interfered, confusing me. His wife was in the room. She didn't care what we were doing as long as I signed something which said I would marry him. He was trying to get me to sign something that said I wouldn't. And then it would reverse.

All I wanted, or needed, was to make love with him. Yet all I had to do was sign. As much as I ached, I would not yield. Not with any determination but more like I didn't care. It wasn't an uncomfortable sensation, though it should have been. In another moment I was trying to take the necklace off. I couldn't unravel the thread because it just dug deeper into the heart flesh. I tried yanking it up and down to break it off but it was too strong. Frenzied, frightened I tried harder to remove it. I ended up choking myself with its weight.

Dating Again

Jacob texts me every day. Insurance Guy texts me almost every other evening. They want to go out again. My once peaceful weeks are being abducted by friends and dates. Should be excited, but it only makes me tired.

Jacob is too young. Insurance Guy reminds me too much of the stand-offish Principal. It all feels pointless and too soon.

After much back and forth about where to meet and what to do in which the youngster kept replying "I'm up for anything" I agreed to meet Jacob for a couple beers Thursday night at a local sports bar. After work I rushed home to the dogs and realized I had a shortage of clean clothes to wear on this second date. With a shrug, I pulled on my comfy Public Enemy T-shirt, baggy jeans and faded Converse. It doesn't really matter what I look like.... He's easy to talk to and we ended up sitting around for two and a half hours chatting. I was again reminded of his awkward gait as he walked me to my car. We hugged, he half kissed my hair/cheek again and we parted ways. I hoped it was the end of that.

Saturday, I had planned to meet up with Insurance Guy. Last time we went out he had texted me after about wanting to have kissed me. So I pretty much knew that would be resurfacing later in the evening. Date jeans looked good, black boots, tight tank top and movie star hair. We walked around the busy downtown Chandler area while I bitched about wanting to turn into pyro-Carrie at work. Dinner was mostly me talking, like usual, at a micro-brewery. We walked around some more, talked about the townhouse he bought there and would be able to move into in a few months.

He asked if I wanted to hang out more.... I declined. It was only ten o'clock but we had run out of things to talk about and I was ready to go home and read a book. He walked me back to the parking garage, we said our goodbyes and hugged. Insurance Guy looked at me expectantly then asked if he could have a kiss. I giggled at the absurdity of it (and I hate giggling). I leaned in and kissed him. It was just a peck. He didn't deepen the kiss. I leaned away, we smiled, I tried again for something more. We just pecked at each other. Me leaning in more, his hand rested lightly on my back like he was just humoring my attempts. I stepped back and we laughed. He walked away and waved.

Back in my car I refused to shake my head in case he could see. What the hell was that? I thought he was interested but there was nothing there and I searched. I texted Jacob who had been trying to see what I was doing all evening. Then bought dog food for the starving puppies.

Jacob wanted me to go out with him on Mill. I responded with "Oh Lord No." I had been too old for Mill Ave 5 years ago. I am ancient now. Insurance Guy texted that he had another great evening and couldn't wait to see me again. Really? Could have fooled me. I responded simply "Me too."

Sitting on my patio with a beer, the dogs and re-reading the magical words of Sarah Addison Allen I resolved that while I was flattered by the attention of both men, neither were right for me. I need to be drawn to someone, not just treading water until someone more interesting swam by.

Screw dating. I'm destined to become a morally defunct nun.

Facebook is Evil

Facebook. Oh Facebook. You allow wallowing women to check out their ex's, their new boyfriend's ex's, and generally stalk anyone you find even remotely interesting. It is a voyer's fantasyland.

Having dinner with a girlfriend she confessed looking up her boyfriend's ex and how it put her in a state of depression. I recalled seeing Work Guy's updated profile pic with his new girlfriend flying in a tiny airplane I refused to go in and thinking "Well, at least he's found someone better, who will give him what I couldn't give. Asshole."

Blast From the Past had posted his status on Valentine's Day that he got a voucher from the florist for his flowers not arriving, then later deleted the post. I thought, did he delete it because I would see it and know he was sending flowers to a different girl he'd not lost interest in? Just de-friend me and write what you want. Or are we still friends and you don't want me to see that in case you decided to try me out again? Facebook is evil.

I don't have to know this stuff.

People use it to vent and complain about their love lives, myself included. It is another technological pain in the ass to cause misinterpretations and confusion. I hate it.

I should delete it but I don't.

At work, I bragged to the girl next to me about being hit on by the baby. She promptly opened Facebook and asked what his name was..... So we could check him out, see who his friends are, what he does..... I gawked. She laughed. She called it "creepin".

After the date with Jacob I wished a friend on Facebook happy birthday and saw she was apart of the band thing he'd said he was a part of. I checked the members and found him. I felt dirty just looking. The kid had like 700 friends, and the only pictures I could view was his profile, like a freaking Taylor Lautner look alike, and his background set with a picture of him in tight board shorts, shirtless hitting a volleyball.

I sent the link to Chloe so she could check him out while we were talking on the phone. "Holy Cow!" she exclaimed. "Look at at that, um, package... I mean those shorts, clearly pronounced.." I laughed over her tongue tied fragments and explained this was another reason why I shouldn't date him. Too young. To hot. Pronounced package visibility. This has the design of mistake written all over it.

I wouldn't feel the need to look at his pictures if Facebook simply ceased to exist. I wouldn't know that his status was "In a Relationship" a month ago with a blond baby. I wouldn't know, I wouldn't care, I would be less tempted.

To be or not to be... a Cougar

My weekend was unusually busy. Friday I was off so I indulged in some hot yoga before driving down to CG to pick up the beasties and clean offices. Saturday I had to work until three followed by dumping of chemicals in the pool followed by accidental dumping of dog into the pool followed by various stages of cleaning up both the dog and I. Mel and her man were moving so I helped them out until around 12:30am. Back at home I drank too much beer and went to bed late. Sunday it was more moving (my biceps thank me) then a quick nap before my date with the baby... aka Jacob.

The entire time I kept thinking to myself, it doesn't matter what you wear, you're too old for him. Who cares about your hair? You're too old for him. This is a waste of time! Too old, too old, too old! Everyone I bragged to about being hit on by the baby was encouraging me to go out and have some fun. But all I could think was that even if he is the nicest, most mature kid in the world getting involved with him is a mistake. And I am just too damn old to keep making these mistakes.

Determined to have a good time and anticipating he will either realize for himself this is idiotic or I will let the lad down as politely as possible.

We met at Tempe Marketplace for a beer at a bar with live music. I wore my "date" jeans, black boots and a black sleeveless low-cut shirt. If I'd have owned anything animal print I would have worn that instead. He was waiting at the bar in a flannel shirt with the top three buttons undone to reveal he shaves his chest, rolled up to the elbows... very Jacob-ish. We hugged, he bought me a beer and I began to get nervous. Sweat rolled down my back and I mentally berated myself for going out with a good looking guy. You're always supposed to stay away from those!

We sat at our table but the music was too loud to talk, even if it was a great country cover band. I was quite taken with the bearded, long haired drummer who started drinking his beer in the middle of Amazing Grace and popped a cigarette crookedly in his mouth before playing. That is the kind I would have gone for when I was the baby's age.

I learned that Jacob lives in a house with 4 roommates, 3 guys and a girl. His last relationship was long distance with a girl in Florida whom he flew out to see once a month or more if he could afford it and sent her flowers regularly. He works out 3 times a week, was a band nerd all the way through college and belongs to the band alum whatever. He confessed he was the chubby fat kid until he took up football in high school and shot up 6 inches. He has an awkward walk, very straight. Probably from all the marching band, but mostly it revealed he's not as confident as he should be. I almost wanted to take him under my wing and teach him how to use his looks to his advantage.

Sigh. Nothing could come from this. I talked about my life, how I was at his age. Jacob was nice to talk to and even though I thought him attractive, I kept seeing some kid I used to babysit all grown up in front of me. If I were one of Jacob's same age friends I would have told him how stupid he was for dating such an old broad. What does he want from me.

As we talked about relationships and such I confronted the giant purple elephant.

"You know, I started dating the EX when I was 19, and by the time we finally broke up I was 26. Totally different person by that time. I knew where I wanted to go at 22 but somewhere between that age and 26 life changes you and things are different. Everyone says that, but you can't fathom it until you've experienced it."

"I get that. I like hanging out with you." And he grinned. It took all of my self control not to roll my eyes or groan.

"I like hanging out with you too, you're very sweet. But people who are 22 are looking to have fun and see what comes, people who are 30 are looking to you know.."

"Settle down."

"Exactly. They realize there's not as much time as there used to be."

"Are you looking to settle down?"

"Yes I am. That's why I started doing the internet dating thing."

Then he started asking about why someone as beautiful as I would have to use the internet to get a date. Ahh, this is why I'm here! To be flattered and get an ego boost. I wanted to lean forward and smack some sense into this boy! Go get some young girl who will be over the moon for your attention!

He insisted on walking me to my car and I worried he might try to kiss me. The Cougar in me thought it would be entertaining, the Old Maid thought it was just plain wrong. When he came in for a hug I turned my head and he kissed my hair/cheek. Driving home I shook my head and hoped this was all over. I don't know what the guy wants from me, or if he's just crazy. An hour later I sent a text thanking him for taking me out. It was only polite.

J: Thank you for coming. Had a great time. Hope we can hang out again sometime soon.

I ignored the text, but the next day he was back asking me out again. With any other guy I would have written "What's a girl to do?"

Moves Like Jagger

After the second date with Insurance Guy things slowed down. He went out of town for work for a week and we had planned to go bowling after he got back. However, I got the flu and was confined to retching in my house for days. He took it as a blow off, texted that I could let him know if I wanted to go out again. Sigh. This was so difficult. Our phone calls knocked off and the texts trickled. I gave up.

A couple weeks later, after I had been wallowing in my black loneliness and determined to hit up yoga hard again he asked me out. I suggested we grab a drink later in the week when both of our schedules allowed.

I'm trying to be more social. Last weekend I went out with Mel, saw Ange, went to Chloe's birthday party and mingled with strangers. I felt like I had gone out more in the past week than in the past few months. This is progress. I can do this.

Wednesday night Ange and I decided to get dinner at an Irish pub in Tempe. We always have a great time together and it's the one place I can get her to indulge in fried food! Now, Ange is gorgeous and pulls all eyes wherever she goes. Petite, pretty, big boobs, so naturally she got hit on when I visited the bathroom then laughingly gave me a play-by-play. Poor guy was let down. She already has a deal.

After the cute, young waiter took my drink order and headed off I asked Ange "Is it just me, or are we being waited on by Jacob Black?" She giggled and we proceeded to talk about all things Twilight. Being the book nerd I am, I tried to explain why the books are amazing and the movies smut.

When he returned, she told him what we thought. While he occasionally got the Jacob thing, he also got Tom Cruise circa Risky Business. I could see it. Lucky kid. He and I chatted while Ange used the bathroom.

Ange and I talked work, family, gossip over fish and chips washed down with some tasty Irish beer. Jacob came by to see how we were doing regularly and would pat my shoulder when he passed. "Jacob keeps touching me." I said with a frown, and we laughed some more. By the time the check came I was so happy I had come out of my hermit hole at long last. Jacob handed Ange her card back at the same time he placed a piece of paper in front of me.

I couldn't look at him when he walked away. I couldn't look at the note. Ange had this shit eating grin on her face "What is that?"
I read the note quickly, folded it back up and placed it exactly where it had been. I shook my head. I couldn't speak. Tomato. Right that moment my face turned the color of a tomato. She kept begging like a school girl to see the note so I hustled her out of there, smiling awkwardly at Jacob when we passed by.

Once safely in the bathroom, I handed her the note. Turning red all over again...

Hey,
Love to take you to coffee sometime.
Let me know :-)
Real Name aka Jacob
###-###-####

She simply howled and did a happy dance.

"It's absurd! He's maybe 22 at the most. Just a baby!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, but he's a hot baby and he wants to take you out! He probably has no idea you're that much older than he is. Men think hot girls have no age, just vaginas!" She continued laughing like hyena and bouncing around. I blushed more.

By the time we got back to the cars something new occurred to me. I got hit on by a baby! A hot baby didn't know how old I am asked me out! I was wearing a grey thermal, baggy jeans and my staple, UGGs. And he thought I was ask-out-able! My ego grew wings and soared. By the time I got home I was dancing around texting Chloe, Mel, my sis all so they would know I still got it!

That is when the dilemma started. Mel thought I should call him, go get coffee, because she was 8 years older than her man and they worked. Chloe is 5 years older than her boyfriend and nearly passed him up because he was so much younger but now they were in love. She tried to reason with me that coffee wouldn't hurt. Ange encouraged me to be a cougar. Even Serial Killer the next day at work said I should go for it. Get some young action, or some such drivel as regularly spills from his mouth.

I pishawed them all. I'm 30. That is a LOT older than Jacob, he's probably still in college and lives with roommates and laughs at fart jokes. At 22 I wasn't worried about getting married or kids. Hell I wasn't even sure yet if it was something I wanted. Once he realizes I'm an old lady he'll not be interested anyhow. But it was sweet of him to give me a note and make me feel all attractive again.

So I figured I would text him and say thanks but no thanks.

Me: Hi aka Jacob,
Thank you for the invite to coffee sometime, but I don't think we're in the same age range.
Thank you for the note though, it made my night :-)

It was slow at work and I was almost ready to go home. One work girl I had bragged to thought I was very nice to let the guy down, when all I had to do was not respond.

J: You don't seem that much older than me :-)
Even so, age isn't an issue to me

Me: How old are you?

J: I'm guessing you're 25 at the most
What's your name btw? You haven't told me

Me: My name is Kate. So, how old are you?

J: Well hi Kate:-) I'm 22, will be 23 in June. How old are you? You're very cute by the way.

Aww, that's just what a baby he still is. 22 going on 23 in June. Good lord, I could have babysat this kid!
I finally told him I was 30, and that is MUCH older than 25, and ancient compared to 22 going on 23.

J: 30 is not old at all. It doesn't bother me :-)
It should. What is wrong with him!

Me: I agree 30 isn't old, just quite a bit older than 22

J: I don't think it's much older ;-)
I should have ignored the note and just not gone back to that pub for a few months....

I learned he had graduated, was freelancing in audio engineering as well as working at the bar. It was crazy to think this young, good looking baby was interested in getting to know me. Did he not realize he works next to a college full of healthy, young, amazingly beautiful girls who have race car metabolisms, slim to none baggage and would be all over him just for looking like a movie star? Then I had a suspicion...

I texted Ange to see if she had suggested Jacob hit on me. She was aghast. First of all, she claimed, she would not do that. And second of all, he hit on me because I'm hot. (I love it when she lies like that.)

He kept asking me questions, and God help me but I was texting him with a big stupid grin on my face. This little baby's advances made me feel an emotion which had been very rare lately... was it happiness? Excitement? Or have I finally gone off the deep end straight into insanity?

I told the baby I was going out with a friend tonight. Jacob asked if I wanted to get together after dinner... I told him I would be out late and couldn't tomorrow. I caved, and agreed to meet him on Sunday.

However much I was enjoying this spinning feeling in my gut as we texted about work and food, and the subtle "When can I take you out?" I had to get ready for my date with Insurance Guy. A perfectly nice guy who is my age and still asks me out after not seeing me in three weeks.

Focusing on Insurance Guy was like sliding out of a thunder storm of texts to a warm bath. He is easy going and sweet to talk to. In fact I feel like I ramble at him all evening but he seems entertained. Said he likes my personality. He's good looking. Wearing a short sleeved shirt for the first time I got to see his nicely toned arms, a tattoo. Yes, he is attractive.

When I went to the bathroom, there was an odd text from Jacob asking if I was in a relationship. It made me want to scan the place to make sure he wasn't watching me. Crazy. Why would I agree to see him Sunday if I was in a relationship. I answered honestly, no relationship but I do date. Asked if he was single, dropped that damn evil device back in my purse and returned to dinner.

Insurance Guy was very sweet, walked me to my car and asked to see me again. No longer afraid if he kissed me, seeing as I got my mojo back. But we just stood there awkwardly, hugged and went away. In my car I wondered if he would ever try to kiss me...

Back home, I checked my phone.

J: I'm single. When was your last date if you don't mind me asking?
Yes, I mind. If you were older you wouldn't go there.

Me: Tonight actually. When was your last date?

J: Oh, I didn't realize you were going on one. It's been a while for me.

I went into the whole internet dating because I'm shy and it's hard to meet people blah, blah, blah, not even sure why I was explaining anything. I learned he had gotten out of his last relationship a year ago and hadn't dated much since. (So he says. If I were a 22 year old stud looking to get laid I would totally use the same lines.)

He asked when the date would be over. Ha! He thought I was texting him right in front of my date to which I primly replied that I had been home for a while and would not do such a thing. (The bathroom was different, but I didn't share that.)
Jacob actually asked how it went and I burst out laughing. Too be young and cocky again!

I ended the night by asking if he normally dates older women and was told he has always been naturally attracted to older women. God, if I was just 2 years older I would be a bona fide cougar. He was good. But I needed to go to bed and get my beauty rest.

J: Text me tomorrow. Love to hear from you :-) Goodnight.

Red Flags for The Baby aka Jacob:

1) He's a baby, obviously. I was drinking when he was still probably wetting the bed.
2) Said he was "naturally attracted to older women".
3) Too good looking.
4) Has already said "Love to.." twice.

The safer bet, Insurance Guy, texted me he had fun seeing me again and wished he had gone in for a kiss.