I'm Back!

Ok, so again I conveniently forgot to cancel my Match.com membership.  Auto-pay is a bitch in any industry apparently. That being said, I started scanning again, still uninterested in the prospect of any man but feeling like I should put myself out there just in case.  But let's get real...  This is never going to happen.

New guy winks at me, sends me an email asking if we should start right off with a 20 questions game.  He's pretty funny so I bite. I mean, I'm not doing anything else right now and this might be a welcome distraction from doing other things like fixing my pool, doing yard work or cleaning the house.  The email-palooza begins!  I shoot him 5 questions, he comes back with answers and questions, I respond with answers to my own questions, his questions, more questions!  It is highly entertaining!  I am laughing!  What the hell is going on here?

It seems like eventually, but is really only after about two days, he sent me his phone number.  Our emails turn to texts.  He's funny, smart, quick witted, and best of all he thinks I am the same.  After a particularly crappy day at work, the one where Work Guy's Girlfriend comes in to make a domestic appearance and I spill tea all over myself, I went home to drown my sorrows in beer.  New Match Guy is texting me like crazy and after about 4 bottles I think "Why the hell doesn't he just call me?"  So I call him.

He was laughing when he answered the phone, knowing full well I was having a beer night.  We talked for two hours, me being hilariously witty (or at least thinking I am) and he egging me on.  We have a very similar sense of humor, which is scary.  He recently took in a cat his co-worker couldn't keep any more, didn't think I was strange for keeping a zoo.  His dating history is like reading the cliff notes of mine: With one person for 5 years, living together, separating. Took time off, dated another for a few months.  Didn't work.  Dated another for almost a year, crazy.

All of our conversation was great, text and phone, that I was beginning to think there would be no way I could be attracted to this individual if I ever actually met him.  We agreed to meet up for a couple drinks Saturday afternoon.  He had plans to meet a friend downtown at 7pm, which gave us both an excuse to bow out at a reasonable hour.  I was intrigued to see if this was fabricated or not.

We met at a bar around the corner from my place at 4pm, or in my case 4:12pm.  I was glad I'd warned him I am habitually late to every function on earth.  He found it hilarious that I was honest.  Parked at a booth, I could better evaluate this potential suitor.  Taller than me in my platforms, has all of his hair in a receding fashion most men in their mid-30's have without losing the thickness.  Gap between his front bottom teeth that is slightly annoying.  Eyes remind me of the Principal, round, smiling, crinkling up when he thinks he's been funny.  Arms were toned but not obnoxiously.  I found him quite attractive.

The world must be about to end because I find him attractive, fun, disarming, comfortable, and easy to talk to.  Sitting there sipping my Stella, talking about how my dog once ate 5lbs of dog food and proceeded to shit and puke for 12 hours and he was still looking at me like I was fascinating.  None of this is making any sense.  He grabs my hand across the table from time to time just to touch me...

His friend bailed on their 7pm plans.  I was dying to ask if there had really been any plans or if it was his escape hatch, but I kept my mouth shut and thought "I'll just ask him after we're dating for a while."  What the WHAT?  Where had this thought surfaced from?  I barely know this dude!

Another crazy connection between us= he lives next door to the very condo I had lived in with the EX before moving to my house.  He moved in a year after I left, knows all my old neighbors and haunts the same down-the-street bars I used to meet Ange, Kelly and Markie at.  He smoked up until December when he took up running and quit cold turkey, but understands the fact that I can't quit until I decide to quit.

So that takes us out to a mostly deserted patio where I have a couple of cigarettes and we continue to jammer away at each other.  I'm telling some story, this guy is looking at me really intently.  He has the "I'm going to kiss you look" on his face and my mind hops into overdrive.  With eyes darting back and forth, anywhere but forward, this is what shoots through my head while I'm telling him some pointless story about God knows what:

-Is he seriously going to kiss me?
-This is the middle of a first date/meet-up, is it acceptable to kiss on the first date without implying you're easy?
-What if he's a bad kisser?
-What if he kisses away the pound of make-up I applied and realizes I'm not attractive?
-Does his wanting to kiss me so early make him a lech?
-Do I want him to kiss me?
-Should I lean away and start into my new-found belief system that I need to take things slow?
-Should I judo chop him in the head?
-Should I tell him he's looking at me funny?
-Would telling him that he's looking at me funny just make him jump into action more quickly or would it turn him off the idea completely?
-Why had Insurance Guy said he wanted to kiss me but never looked at me with even a semblance of this expression after saying how interested he was?
-What am I doing here?
-I'm kind of hungry....
-Could we get food?
-Would suggesting food be too forward?  I mean he is paying for the drinks and all...

But then he stood up to go to the bathroom, leaned over and kissed me.  Right there. It wasn't tentative or demanding, just like a statement.  Here, I want to kiss you and I am.  To my utter astonishment, I kissed him back.  It was more than nice.

For the next hour or so we continued to talk, hold hands (yes that still icks me out quite a bit), and kissing.   It felt normal, like a routine I have enjoyed with this stranger for a long time.  I declared it was 9pm and time to go so he walked me to my car, which I had unconsciously parked next to his.  I would like to say we kissed, hugged and parted with a sigh, but alas.... I made out with him like a crazy hormonal teenager.

Up against the side of my car, bodies entwined, kissing fervently, nipping at necks, ears, arms.  Laughing, joking.  I realized this was the first time I was actually turned on to a person rather than the action since last having my heart plopped in a blender.  It was dizziness coupled with warning.  Stop here.  You're getting very close to the New Year Resolution you made not to make any what the hell decisions....  This is a first date with an Internet dude.  Keep. It. In. Your. Pants.

So, as we are intimately wrapped in each other's arms, probably to the horror of all bar patrons passing by, I tell him.  I will not be jumping into bed with someone I am not emotionally intimate with first.  He laughs, pulling my face up to look at him which horrifies me as I am fairly certain my makeup has dissolved.  But he makes me meet his eye.  He doesn't mind waiting a month or a year, as long as it isn't forever.

Damn men, they know how to work it.  This made me just want him more.  But I extricated myself from his grasp with more kisses, got into my car and headed home.

One of those days

You ever have one of those days when you wake up and you just know you should stay in bed? Well, today was one of those.

I woke up and thought, "I should email my boss and tell him him I'll work Friday in lieu of today and promptly go back to sleep." But no, I told myself I would rather be off on Friday. I can hold out, be strong, blah-blah-blah.

I'm trying to wash my hair less to make it all healthy, with this dry shampoo stuff it doesn't look half bad. I put it in a ponytail as it is day three and all, and off to work I went after noticing that the Barbie who highlighted my hair missed toning a piece by my ear leaving a blonde streak. Never trust a Barbie.

Everything was going fine until one of Work Guy's friends, standing on the other side of my cube addresses a short dark haired girl who does not work with us. Instantly I knew. It was the new girlfriend. At my work. Here to see my ex, her current boyfriend. She was right in front of me. Now friends with the people I used to be friends with. Probably meeting up to eat at the same sushi place he used to take me....

My whole body froze but I typed diligently at my computer. I would not look around. I would not acknowledge that I realized who she was or who she was here to see. Why? Why did he have to have her come into work? Does she not have a cell phone he could call her on to meet outside?

My stomach was in knots and I was fairly certain my stupid heart was breaking all over again. This is karma biting me in the ass all over again for having been such an awful girlfriend to every guy I ever dated. I was going to vomit.

I texted Ange. My lifeline.

Me: I think I am having a heart attack. Work Guy had his new girlfriend come visit him at work.

Ange: Quit working at that fuckin place and I am going to fuckin strangle him.

I asked the girl sitting next to me to do a recon to make sure they left so I could go to the break room to make my lunch. It would be my luck that the royal douche bag would invite her to eat lunch with him here. She was great too...

"Who? That ugly bitch he brought to the Christmas Party?"

"She isn't ugly!"

"God, you're a nice person. You're always supposed to say they're ugly!"

But it wasn't Work Guy's new girl's fault. It was mine for ever having dated him. I continued to feel like shit through out the day. I emailed Chloe about the new Match.com guy I was texting with and mentioned feeling low about something I didn't want to write. She knew already and had hoped I hadn't seen. She agreed with Ange, I need to work elsewhere if I am ever going to heal this gaping hole.

The day gets better!

As I started to calm down I thought some warm tea would help.
I managed to spill an entire cup of tea into my lap, down the back side of my leg, through my boots and all over my desk. In front of regional managers. And just in case they might not have noticed, I yelled out "Shit!" as well. One rushed to get paper towels to sop up my desk, but ignored the fact I needed more to clean myself. I sat there soaking for 30 minutes, afraid to move.

Chloe finally came over to walk behind me to the bathroom so people wouldn't notice my wet pants. She told me it wasn't noticeable, but my jeans and boots worked wonders for my ass. Such good friends today.

What is wrong with me! Seriously. When you get the feeling you should not go to work, stay in bed. If you don't heed this warning it will only lead to a beer drinking pity-party in lieu of yoga later.

Little to report

I am boring. No dating. Baby tries to entice me but after a three week no see, I'm sure he's bored. Match.com provides hat wearing fathers.

Called the EX a few nights ago. Was rubbing Cutter's belly and wanted to talk to him. Realized after he didn't answer that we've been broken up four years now. He lives in Colorado. Last time I talked to him was to tell him the cat died and he wasn't pleased to hear from me.

Learned that work guy encouraged work to hire a hostess he hit on. She's 20 and blonde. Sits two rows over.

This, my friends, is what we call a rut.

Quiet Life

The last text I received from Insurance Guy was on Friday before Easter. Five days later, I got one asking if I thought we should continue seeing each other. This guy is very nice, but there is nothing there. He likes to talk about TV shows and barely kissed me. I rambled to keep our conversations going. Nice guy, but obviously not a match despite the fact we met on Match.com.

His response to my text that we really didn't have a connection was that he felt the same, was disappointed but wished me well. It was the most clean cut, easy dissolution of going out I have ever experienced. Finally! There are normal people in the world! Maybe I'm getting closer.

On the other hand... Maybe not.

The Baby is still texting me despite my very pointed insistence we will not date and I do not just want to Cougar about.

Sitting on my patio typing I hear a ping and discover he's IM-ing me via Facebook. For a startled moment I check to see sticker in front of my computer camera is in place. I always fear they can see me when IM pops up. Is it like Skype? I don't know what it is...

So, I'm going back and forth with pointless computer style texting with the Baby when Ange calls. When she starts questioning about the constant beeping I tell her Jacob is Facebooking me. She dissolves into giggles followed by snarky remarks on his intentions for my virtue.

Jacob IM's that he sent me a pic. He wants me to send a pic. I tell Ange and she starts all over again. But really? If you're on my Facebook just look at those pictures! Why do I have to send you one taken now when I'm in my pjs, hair all tangled and no make-up? Get real.

He says he's texted me a pic of himself he took earlier in the day. I put Ange on speaker so I can open the text. There he is. The pic is taken in the bathroom mirror, another sign of his age. He's holding up his phone, smirking. TOPLESS.

Me: and you're topless

Jacob: shirtless. you don't like it?

Me: I like it, but still, you're topless.

Jacob: ;-)

Ange is screaming in laughter so I forward it to her. I feel a little dishonest doing this but hey, don't send a topless pic of yourself to someone you are not legally bound to unless you don't mind having it shared. Those are the rules. That is why I have never sent a nudey pic to anyone, ever. Plus, I really don't believe anyone needs to see that from in the light of day. Pictures are just so lasting.

Ange is uncontrollable, she wants to forward the pic to her mother but can't figure out how. She's as technologically defunct as I am, apparently.

Jacob is asking to hang out every day. You would think he would get tired and find a new toy. I haven't seen him in two weeks, and don't plan on changing that any time soon.

Me: still don't understand why we are communicating like this if we aren't going to date

J: i don't see the harm in it

Me: of course you don't

J: why do you say that?

Me: only because we already talked about it and you didn't mind. nothing bad

J: is it

ok with you?

Me: i think you're very nice, but yeah it does kind of other me. i really do want to meet someone to have a relationship with, not just play around anymore

J: i completely understand. Is it ok that we play around till you find that?

Me: please define play around

i'm inclined to think it is not such a good idea though

J: it shouldn't mean that you shouldn't have some fun

i think of playing around as in enjoying each other's company whether that be out for a drink, hanging at home

Me: like being friends?

J: that, perhaps more at times as long as both parties are willing but yea. i def want to be friends

Me: the thing that electronic communication lacks the most is the ability to roll eyes at the first half of that response :-). I would like to be friends with you too, but perhaps the flirty stuff better go away seeing as we both want different things.

J: haha

kk

I concede to your terms :)txt me.

gtg do taxes :/

But he still texts. Offers to go to yoga with me even though he isn't flexible. Like I would ever allow a hot guy to see me sweat 85,000 gallons of water in a tight fitting outfit while contorting in strange uncomfortable positions. That is what the bedroom is for. With the lights OFF.

He's even Facebooking me right now, like he knew I was on and writing about our correspondence. Bleep, there he is. Telling me about his night. Interjecting how he'd rather have hung out with me. Well, sorry Baby. Saturday is book, beer, pizza, sweats night. Sacred.

Bleep, he was at a club last night. Didn't dance for fear he would embarrass himself. Bleep, plus he was thinking of me.

Me: Is there an eye rolling icon? I really must research this.

Still

This weekend was Easter. My sister and brother-in-law flew into town late Thursday and stayed for the whole weekend. Pressuring me to bake cookies and such. It was lovely. My stomach is now a balloon.

The perfection of the weekend was overshadowed by the memory of last year when I was with Work Guy off in the opulent California meeting his family, riding in a dingy gazing at mansions. Someplace I desperately didn't feel I belonged. I couldn't help but think as I was driving home with my family Thursday night how last year I'd been in Newport on the side of the house making love listening to water lap in the bay. Getting scared that a boat would see us, running inside to take up where we left off. Or Sunday as I was cleaning offices, how uncomfortable I felt at the expensive country club watching heiresses trot around in sunhats with their metro sexual cohorts in lavender linen suits, only later to go back to the hotel and be taken passionately against a wall. Surely, history was repeating itself for him. Only with someone else. I'm sure he wasn't remembering.

Meanwhile, I sat on the patio texting the baby in front of my sister. He was bummed because it was overcast and he had really wanted to lay out to improve his tan. Meghan snorted.

I told her I wasn't really interested in him. Oh, flattered and elated someone was interested. But he wasn't really interested in me.

Funny how it all sometimes comes together. I fell in love with Work Guy, because he genuinely acted like he loved me. With all my imperfections he could look at me and take my breath away. I still wonder if I had fucked it all up by being scared, or if he simply didn't have the capacity to wait. If love was so permanent to me and transitory for him. Not that it matters, but as far as moving on I suppose it might.

I have also thought a lot about The Principal lately. Missing the little things which had led me to love him. There is always that if.... If I had been more patient or demanding or.... But that would not have changed the fact that he wanted me to fit in his life. Not partner in mine.

This weekend I saw a family friend who tried to date me a couple years ago, right before I met The Principal. Our families have been friends for years, my sister even dated his brother in high school. While his eyes were the same he kept his distance. He wanted to date me a month before he was leaving the country, spending his time between Idaho and South America with a month of Arizona in between. I had been connected to him, enchanted a little bit. He didn't understand why I would be concerned with his leaving. He would always come back and I could come to visit. Ha. I told him no. Then missed him desperately when he'd left. When he returned, he looked down his nose at me for dating The Principal. Now he communicates with my sister and treats me like a stranger.

BP Facebooked me today. I really need to get rid of the evil social network. "How are you? What have you been up to?" Go fuck yourself.

So, what is the recipe for love? Does it have to be easy? Do you just meet the right person and click? Or are some people just better off alone? I need to stop with the romance novels. They make you think the one you love will be willing to give up more than they would ever ask of you, and you would do so in return.

Not taking No

Well, Ange burst my little bubble. I told her I was seeing the baby aka Jacob again on Tuesday. Her response: He's too young to give you anything you need, except an ego boost. And damn her she was right.

I put it to the baby as bluntly as I could. There is no point in us dating when I want serious things and he just wants somebody to have fun with. I have wasted years just having fun with guys. I'm ready for a serious lasting, grown up marriage fest. His response: Can we still hang out? Is it bad that he still wants to kiss me?

In my younger years I was a wild and crazy kid. It wouldn't have mattered if I was going to date this guy or even if I was ever going to see him again. I would have kissed him the first time we met up just to see if I could, see how it was, for the excitement of it all.

I felt like a virgin telling him it wasn't fair to kiss people and not be looking for something more. Slowly, I am turning into someone else. But I feel it. The what the hell decisions of my past never made me happy. Usually I ended up utterly embarrassed and shaking my head the next day unbelieving I chose to be that stupid. His response: He's attracted to me and wouldn't mind us kissing in the meantime. He won't get attached, if that's what I'm worried about.

Holy fuck. Ange explained it in layman's terms to me: He just wants to put his p in my v. I cackled out loud to that text. She's the greatest.

Jacob and I were going to hang out as friends still on Tuesday, with him having every intention of kissing me. As Ange put it, divine intervention gave me a cold. I was relegated to the couch filling tissues with yellow snot instead of making out with the Tom Cruise-Taylor Lautner hybrid. Sigh. It was fate.

So, the baby keeps texting me, keeps pursuing. I tell him he's hot and surely has a gaggle of girls to make out with. He says he doesn't have anyone interested in him. Doesn't think he's hot. Was an unattractive kid. Good lord, am I dating a whiny super model? I had discovered him on Facebook so I pointed out that he couldn't think himself too unattractive if he has a shirtless background on his page. His response: Found me did you?

Ugh. Now we're Facebook friends. And the oldtimer in me is too stubborn to ask why the youngsters post things like #feelinfresherthanapeppermint. Pound sign and words all run together? Why? Why?

Dreams

Dreams have always meant too much to me. I remember mine the next day and for years to come. They're clear to me as movies, so clear that sometimes I wake feeling as if it had truly happened. Most times I realize I'm dreaming during it and observe. My most memorable dreams are of green water, but that's a different story.

When Work Guy first was pursuing me I dreamt of him one night when I lay beside the Principal. In my dream I was in bed alone, though it could have been any room, and so dark. All I saw was his face hovering over me. He was wearing a light blue baseball hat. He smiled and made to leave but I reached up and curved my hand around the back of his head, through his hair. So gently, I pulled his face to mine and kissed his lips. To keep him. That was it, but it was haunting. He had that exact hat on the night I forced him to meet with me after he broke my heart.

Through out our relationship I had a recurring dream about showing up at his door. His roommate would answer and give me a dirty look. I would ask for Work Guy. He would come up behind the door and stare at me. This was always the cliff hanger. The dream went one of two ways. 1) Work Guy would pause staring at me with an unreadable look which could be interpreted as angry, lost, stunned, then he would run forward, crush me against his chest and take me inside the house. 2) He would pause to stare at me with before mentioned look before demanding to know why I was there. I was not welcome.

Last night I dreamt I was with a man. No one in particular, but he was important. The object of my affection. But I never really saw him. He gave me a rope of a necklace. It was pinkish, strong and made of braided heart-flesh. It made me think of heart strings while I was dreaming it, but it was not very stretchy. He tied it around my neck, securing each end with black thread causing the ends to ball together like a fist. It was weighty. I was in awe. It was beautiful and he loved me.

It occurred to me as I kissed him in thank you that I was naked. The room had a rosy warm glow and I was pulsating with need for him. I just needed to be with him, have everything right then. He kissed me back but kept resisting slightly to say "sign it". Then that strange thing that happens to a dreams timeline interfered, confusing me. His wife was in the room. She didn't care what we were doing as long as I signed something which said I would marry him. He was trying to get me to sign something that said I wouldn't. And then it would reverse.

All I wanted, or needed, was to make love with him. Yet all I had to do was sign. As much as I ached, I would not yield. Not with any determination but more like I didn't care. It wasn't an uncomfortable sensation, though it should have been. In another moment I was trying to take the necklace off. I couldn't unravel the thread because it just dug deeper into the heart flesh. I tried yanking it up and down to break it off but it was too strong. Frenzied, frightened I tried harder to remove it. I ended up choking myself with its weight.