Fibber McGee's

Going back and forth between the idea of dating again I decided to make a few attempts on EHarmony.com which resulted in the typical lame responses.  At first there were a few fish biting.  That narrowed down to a few I deemed adequate enough to continue communicating with and eventually I gave my number out to three men.

Bachelor #1: Sent a couple brief texts and arranged to meet at Kona Grill.  I got a cold and asked to reschedule.  Never heard from him again.

Bachelor #2:  Sent a couple texts that were closed ended.  That went no where.

Bachelor #3:  Sent more interesting texts and CALLED (novel idea, right?).  We had a three hour phone conversation about books, work, what we are looking for in dating, animals.  It was fun.  Even though I wasn't exactly tingling, I felt like I could do this again.

We continued to text a little and he called again the following weekend.  Another long conversation where we started to open up more about past relationships and politics, work ethic.  The getting to know you crap I normally despise wasn't so terrible.  A couple days later we had another long call, talked about my dad and his dad's illness.  Maybe I have finally met a normal human being!

Bachelor #3 invited me to have a drink at Fibber McGee's on a week night.  I wasn't stressed or worried, I was just going to be myself and see where this goes.  Running late getting home from work I texted him I would meet him around 8pm.  I showered, did my hair and dressed casual nice.  No butterflies.  Maybe I'm maturing!

Maybe I have a sixth sense....

Bachelor #3 is decent looking guy.  Taller than me.  Big green eyes.  We had a beer and made small talk.  I was a little awkward at first but managed to loosen up.  I can't really pinpoint the moment it got weird, but weird it most certainly got.  He began to lose control of the conversation, or his ability to focus on it.  He started to complain about his job as a manager at a pizza chain because obviously he made so much less money than when he was a professional poker player and certainly a lot less than what I make.  I tried to reign it back in...

He got up to go the bathroom after we ordered a second round and knocked into a chair.  Maybe he's just clumsy?  I walk into stuff all the time...  When he came back it was pretty obvious he was a couple drinks ahead of me.  I asked if we could go outside to smoke, this was starting to stress me out.  He could barely walk out the door and propped himself against a wall.  He starts asking if he can kiss me.  No.  No.  Fuck NO.  He's slurring his words, eyes rolling around in his head.  For the love of God, how much has this guy been drinking?  He moves to grab his beer off the table and nearly falls over on it.

I direct him to a chair as he's chanting "You hate me, I can't believe this.."  I asked how many he's had and he attempts to tell me its only 4-5 including the beers he's had with me.  False.  He's a tall guy and I don't get this freaking sloppy when I overindulge.  He tries the kissing thing again and I want to smack him.  People are looking in our direction.  I take a sip of my beer and declare that we need to close out and I'll drive him home. (I am too nice, and or stupid, for my own good.)  With a sigh, Bachelor # 3 starts to pour the rest of his beer into my beer but spills it all over my lap instead.

He stumbles to the bar while I try to keep a straight face.  I just want to get rid of this guy and go home.  I let him pay the tab, not feeling one little bit like I should pitch in at all.  He sways out the door, walks like a sailor all the way to my car and nearly falls on his face missing the door handle.  Then he proceeds giving me crap directions to his home, like I'm going drastically change lanes when I am soaked in beer.

At his townhouse, he tries to convince me to "just come in side."  I explained during our phone calls that I'm not looking to get my sex on with just anyone.  Why the hell would I go into a drunk stranger's abode?  He pleads that I should at least come to the door to meet his dog.  I am a sucker for dogs.  I left my car running, told him I would say hello and then I needed to go home.  The big dog starts barking excitedly inside while Bachelor #3 takes an eternity to figure out which key on his key ring is most likely to gain entrance to his home.  The door is opened a year later, the dog surges forward and proceeds to pee.

Urine is splashing ff the tile, all over my leg and shoe.  Poor beast continues to pee nervously in a circle.  The only time a large dog does this:  They haven't been let out in a really long time.  He looks so ashamed I call him outside for petting because it isn't his fault, it's the fault of his asshole owner.  The dog bounces off to pee more, Bachelor #3 is swaying and making more excuses.  The dog runs into the street where headlights are approaching.  I scream, calling him back.  Bachelor #3 says the dog is fine, he knows the area....  I'm so sick for the beast, he's dirty, hasn't been out all day from the looks of it and his alcoholic owner doesn't care if he gets hit by a car.  Wow.  I sure can pick 'em.

As I was driving home I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.  So I announced out loud "I just got peed on." and bust out cackling.  This was hands down the WORST date I have ever been on.

I stopped at a gas station and opened up to the female cashier.

Me: "I just have to share this with someone right now.  I went on a first date tonight.  The guy ended up getting drunk, spilled beer in my lap.  Then, I had to drive him home where his dog peed all over me."

Her eyes popped out and her jaw dropped.  I could see she was furiously trying to come up with a response.  I shrugged and headed to the door.

"You deserve better than that!" she called after me.

"God, I hope so!"

This story, however, was lot's of entertainment the following day at work.

My kind-of attempts to get into dating....

I've reached a funny stalemate with myself about dating.  The truth is, I would very much like to meet a guy, go out, get to know him, share my thoughts, laugh, joke, cuddle, be romantic, and all that shit.  The problem is that from what I hear and see of other people's relationships dating is just a farce.  Lie about how easy going you are.  Pretend to be OK with the other person's emotional distance.  Set aside pieces of yourself so things go more smoothly.  Do this until you get married and then it's open season on how unaccommodating you want to be or accept it and lose those little pieces for ever.

It seems like a lot of bullshit to go through just for some semi-regular sex and the right to post kissy pics on FB.

With that in mind, my Internet dating is a little wah-wah-wahhhh..... Very few prospects and all the answers make me bored.  Plus, the majority of my matches are short.  I was very clear in my settings that I didn't want to date someone under 5'9" (because I'm 5'6" and sometimes like to wear heels that make me 5'10" and anyone under the approved height minimum would make me look like a freaking Amazon.)  They need to make a new website called NapoleonComplexSingles.com where all the short people can go to pretend to find love.

I've been texted by 3 of the guys I went through the communication process with and they are all inept in some way.  One just wants to meet up and I've forgotten everything I've learned about him already.  Two goes with the closed ended statements about himself.  How am supposed to respond to that Two?  Say how awesome your statement is just to keep up this disappointing illusion of a conversation?  Not gonna happen.  Three is hit or miss and has already used the word kinky.  All 3 chose to text rather than call.

Needless to say I have been on zero dates.

This doesn't upset me, just makes me less enthusiastic about even trying to date.  Sure, I want all the mushy crap and sex but I want that to be a accompanied by a brain and some genuine interest thrown my way.  So, I'm not going to sweat it.  I will continue to go about my business and wait for an opportunity to jump a stranger.  (With that comment I expect a call from Chloe "seeing how things are going")

I Am Robot

I have been on several dates with the Beard.  Anastasia tells me he's a good guy.  He's sweet, texting me all the time telling me I'm beautiful.  He thinks of thoughtful dates.  I mean like seeing Princess Bride on the big screen and fancy restaurant type dates. We have fun together. He brought me flowers.  He drank non-alcoholic beverages at my 4th of July party with my crazy family.  He helped me shop for accent shit for work.  He took me to the circus.

But....

But........

Sigh.

He kisses me like we are in junior high.  Or we need a safe word.  I'm completely comfortable around him with the exception that there is no passion.  I have been hanging out with this dude since the end of May and he hasn't tried ANYTHING.

So last week we went to a nice dinner and comedy show.  I went out and bought a nice new dress, bra and undies.  Not expecting anything, but to get my mojo going in general.  It was fun, he even made sure that I had a good view after some head bobbing.  I had tried to probe some info out of him about prior relationships but discovered he had non.  26 years old, recovering alcoholic and no prior relationships.  End of the night.... Barely even some tongue.

What am I doing?  This is not dating!  He doesn't ask about my work.  We don't talk about his plans other than paying off DUI fines and his apartment smells like dog piss.  I have finally regressed to college.

How difficult is it for me to date?  Let's see... Two years ago Chloe was still hung up on her ex, now she has an amazing boyfriend who is looking to propose in the next few months.  They're freaking inseparable, which both makes me sick and happy at the same time.  Kelly, is married.  Anastasia has a steady boy toy.  And me?  I'm still reliving the freaking Principle and Work Guy (1st out of country the second getting engaged.  Oh yeah, the EX is having a baby!)

I was watching New Girl yesterday and realized it has been YEARS since anyone has kissed me because they felt compelled.  YEARS.

To end this sorry note....

I signed back up on internet dating today.

Sigh.  More beer for me.

What the Crap is Dating?

An ex-coworker of mine who is male and let me push him around invited me to a baseball game via the hated Facebook.  He's a little younger than me but I thought it would be a fun outing.  Trying not to be too naive, as I know men and women can never just be friends, I accepted on a friend level.  I would shank him if he tried to put the moves on me and dress as unattractively as possible.  Ponytail, oversized khakis, thermal, flip flops.  Done.

Now, the Beard is a nice guy and all but I had some trouble not being my normal work ice queen self.  He wanted to pick me up and I threatened that I would have to kill him should he discover my lair.  I drove to his complex and let him drive from there.  I knew he was in AA but the breathelizer in his car still shocked me.   I politely clasped my hands in my lap and looked the other way.  The game was fun, he was funny, but my back was starting to hurt from trying to be social.  And I wanted a beer.  But I can't drink in front of a person who has been sober a year and a half... that would be wrong.  But it's everywhere!  Men shouting out "Ice cold beer!"  This kiss camera lit up the stadium and the Beard laughed about whether we would get shot and I gave him the most withering look of repulsion that could come naturally to my face.  I felt bad about this later, afraid I insulted him.  Oh well, at least our seats were amazing and the Diamondbacks won (a rare occasion.)

We had a nice platonic hug before I headed home and I thought, maybe that was just a friendly outing.  No sparks or moves or suggestions.  I could deal with that.

The following week Anastasia, who still works at my ex-job, texted me shocked that I had a date with the Beard and not notified her. 

ME:  Was not date.  Just friendly baseball game.

Anastasia:  Men and women cannot be friends!  How was it!?  He could be good for you!

ME:  Was NOT date.  If it was it didn't go very well seeing as he hasn't contacted me since.  LOL!

And I truly thought it was funny for the first time in my life I hadn't analyzed whether or not someone liked me.  I texted the Beard a week later requesting he hit the Mormon kid I used to antagonize in the head with a ball, to which he responded with said Morman's pissed off pic.  And in what I assume was a strategic nudge from Anastasia, he asked to hang out again.  In a week and a half.  Friends make plans that far in advance and I assumed I was safe.  We agreed to educate me on the series Dexter.

Drawing it out with The Principal

In January I was convinced The Principal was not into me.  In June I am further convinced.  Why I allow myself to focus on people's good qualities in hopes that they will outweigh their bad is a sign of my terminal stupidity.  My most recent experiences have left me completely jaded towards the male species.  As if anyone thought I could get MORE jaded...

I'll make this short as possible, because it mostly repeats my past relationship with this guy.

I continued to see The Principal.  We had dinner, talked occasionally.  All the while he was accepting the job in South Africa and planning his move.  He'd throw a line out there about wanting to take me with him.  How I could not work and focus on my writing.  When he started putting the moves on me my reaction was so alien I began to believe I was a different person.  We made love.  So very different from before, when we were just getting it on.  I stared into his eyes and thought "you're imperfect, but I love you for it".

But he didn't talk.  There was no platitudes about how he would miss me, just "The timing is never right."  I would ask about feelings and never get a straight answer.  I was busy trying to love someone who would never truly love me back.  His goals, his making up for lost time being a productive business man, would always take precedence over me.  Like all stupid bitches in love I wondered if it was just that or if I was the wrong girl for him.  What was I lacking? 

The Principal and I met for dinner in Chandler.  I sat patiently as he talked about all his travel arrangements to leave the country in a week.  All I could focus on was the fact that he hadn't hugged me, or kissed me, or touched me all night.  Next week he would be across the country and he didn't feel any urgency to be near to me.  Every bit of this is wrong.  I said so.  He told me he had to do this, leave to make a career for himself.  I tried to listen but there was soft buzzing in my ears, dread.

When we parted ways he said "I'm just not the right one for you, am I?" and despite my strong composure throughout our entire time knowing each other I launched myself into his arms and cried.  He could have been if he wanted me as badly as I wanted him.  He could have tried harder.  He could have tried at all.

And we continued to talk after he left.  I counted the hours difference and waited but it took a week before he contacted me.  Emailed he would call tomorrow and never did.  I was in a state of nervous turmoil checking my phone all day, all night, waking up to check at 3am.  After two days of this, exhausted and un-sleeping I gave up.  But that's always when he calls.  I began to depend on calling him late at night or mid morning.  Venting about my new job, just hearing his laugh.  He would back in AZ in a month and I would get to see him. 

As he made his journey across the ocean and the country I counted the hours, marking where he would be.  He'd said on the phone he wanted to see me when he got in, jet lag be damned.  I was more important.  My heart, stupidly, jumped.  When I rang the bell at his house I was considering just launching myself into his arms.  Even if he was tired we could wrap around each other, talk, hold on...  But I had to ring the bell again and waited.  My cheeks began to burn.  He forgot?  Passed out?  Missed his flight?  Eventually he answered the door only to stare at me in confusion and scratch his head.  He noticed a package and bent over taking 5 minutes to try to retrieve it mumbling about how sleepy he was.  I wanted to run.  My face was in shock position. 

Reluctantly, I entered his lair.  He plopped on the sofa where I was forced to sit and chat about my work while he continued to snooze.  I wanted to cry.  I left 15 minutes later so I could do just that.  He didn't call for two days, then we only spoke for five minutes about how he had to go to NM to check his house before his parents came into town, then got off the phone to eat his pizza saying he'd call me a little later.  The next day all I got was a text he was in NM.  Then silence.  For a week.  I woke up in the middle of the night and left him a voice message, anticipating he would just take off back to South Africa without telling me or seeing me again.  It two days before he called me back.

I was sitting at a restaurant with Julie when he called.  I answered "Ah, so you are alive." but had no desire to speak to him.  I learned he had another week in AZ before heading out again.  Do you think he asked to see me?  No.

The Principal is out of the country and I never want to hear from him again.

What ever happened to good-byes?

The Principal Responds...

I awoke Monday morning, glanced at my phone and still nothing.  I had been completely blown off by the Principal and I needed to get over it.  Truth is, all my anger had drained to the point where I felt empty.  Men simply did find me worthy enough to share their mediocre lives.  Time to embrace being a single lady for the rest of my days. Yes, I am 31 and I give up.

9:00am Principal:  Wow.  That's some interesting messaging.  Would have helped if I had read it yesterday rather than this morning.

Who the hell doesn't look at their phone for over 24 hours?  Who?  My 66 year old mother checks her IPhone regularly.  Did it not occur to him to contact me at all yesterday?

9:24am ME: That's it?

10:54am Principal:  Well I wanted to let you know that I had just read these given your assumption.  I think the fact that I'm being extremely cautious about you and I and feeling things out slowly is likely making it appear that I'm "not interested".

11:15am ME: Taking things slow is one thing.  Wondering if you're interested is another.

11:38am Principal:  I am interested but I'm moving at a snail's pace.  I didn't see a question asking me that only a revelation that you decided was the case.

Should I have been more direct?  Sure!  Have I always been the one who has to draw out how he feels about me?  Yes!  So forgive me if I just wanted to make a statement about how you happen to consistently come across.

11:47am ME:  It wasn't a question, it was a conclusion.  The lax communication was beginning to give me heart burn.

12:08pm Principal:  My apologies,  Not my intentions.

12:34pm ME:  It was a pointless text.

And no more from the Principal.  I hada fraction of a hope he would be waiting at my house when I drove home from work.  Or left flowers.  But I bet the thought never even crossed his mind.  He didn't bother to call either.

I drove over to Julies's where she made me dinner and discussed the many dysfunctions of men.  I just feel empty.  Even my ex-boyfriend who had once loved me couldn't get excited enough to be with me.  What hope would I ever have to find someone who does?  How could I be stupid enough to think the Principal would go out of his way to tell me he cares?

If this man can't even call me, I guess he can't really ever love me.

User's Guide for Women

Some easy tips for men not to be such idiots.

1) Call or text daily.  It doesn't have to be a long, involved conversation.  Just contact.

2) Ask what SHE has been doing.

3) Mention the following on a regular basis or insert into silences
         A.  I missed you
         B.  I have been thinking about you/ You have been on my mind
         C. You are beautiful/pretty/cute/funny/wonderful

4) Bring up how you thought about something discussed previously or that something reminded you of her

5) Make eye contact

6) Touch her arm/neck/back/knee (keep it PG, perverts)

7) Kiss her or hug her just for the hell of it

8) Make plans a couple days or a week out to show a future. It says "See!  I will still want to be with you in a week!"  The plans could be simple, like coffee or watching a movie together.  It is the time that matters.

9) Go out of your way every once and a while and you will be rewarded ten fold.  Example:  If she has had a really tough time at work offer to pick her up for lunch to get her mind off it or send flowers or a thoughtful card/email.

10) Just be present.  When talking or in silence just be aware of her.  No one wants to be an accessory.

If men did half of this a woman would never doubt his interest.