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Finally, I have done something impulsive! I was offered a free trip to Paris with The Principal and accepted. My first adventure out of the country and I would be traveling alone only to meet up with my ex-boyfriend in a country where I don't speak the language... I was terrified and thrilled all at once.
The only damper was the constant commentary coming at me from all my friends.
Anastasia: What if he proposes?
Me: That won't happen. This is purely a platonic trip.
Anastasia snorts: The man asks you to meet in Paris, the most romantic city on earth, for New Years all expenses paid and you think it's platonic?
Me: Yes. He's not like that. I bet he just wants someone to hang out with and the best he could come up with was me because he's socially retarded.
Lola from work: He's gonna be expecting some "you know" in the hotel!
Me: (blush the color of blood) It's not that kind of trip!
Julie: He could be doing this as the grand gesture... Moved to South America and realized what he gave up and trying to win you back...
Me: First of all, it's South Africa. Totally different continent. Second, he isn't like that! He knew what he gave up when he moved to New Mexico and again to back-ass-ward Africa. He didn't care.
Julie: So what would you say if he did propose?
And I thought about that. More times than I probably should have before the trip. I knew my answer would be no. Too much silence, never bothering to reach out to me. He doesn't know how to love and I want more than that, or at least I won't settle for less than all consuming love.
But another part of me thought.......... Well, I thought I would probably say yes. It was, after all, the grand gesture I had been waiting all these years for. Let's be honest, The Principal could have given me a micro gesture and I would be impressed.
I was determined to go to Paris and have a blast regardless of anything romantic. This was Paris! This was a different continent! This was something I was destined to see, take in and ingrain into my soul. Principal aside, I was in this for the pure bliss of experiencing something deep down I always knew I would deprive myself of.
On my flight from Phoenix to Atlanta I actually cried. I was so worried about leaving my animals, my work, everything familiar. On the flight to Paris I could barely breathe... we were traveling so fast, I was alone, I don't drink freaking wine... Do you know how fast those fucking planes go over water? And you can read it all on a little screen that it's like -70 outside. All I could think was that we were going down and everyone knows what happened at the end of Titanic... Needless to say my stomach was a mess and I never slept a wink.
In the airport I roamed around, got hailed by French speaking cabbies, and paid God knows how much in euros for bottled water. Finally, the Principal called. I made my way through the terminal to meet him, not sure of how we should greet each other. Handshake? Hug? Kiss? High five? I instantly missed my lonely patio.
He wrapped me up in a big hug and kissed me. He seemed so happy to see me...
The drive to the hotel made my exhaustion kick in but I was consumed by taking in the sight around me. The strange yet familiar freeways. The shanties set up out of cardboard and quilts outside the city shocked me. Then... then the beautiful, grey city that sparkled with hits of gold, copper and marble. Sights I had only glimpsed in movies. I could not really be here, this was a dream. Our hotel was located right in the middle of things and when I saw the Arc I was awestruck. We had windows that you could step out of and stand on a little balcony. I felt like I was looking at the rooftops of Oliver Twist. Innumerable chimneys, no longer smoking, scattered across the grey rooftops and the clouds looked like they were from a sky on another world. I fell in love.... With Paris.
Though I was exhausted I rallied, took a shower and we walked all over for hours. I saw the Seine, the Louvre, Notre Dame at dusk. I walked across the lock bridges and breathed the air that's been circulating in this strange old land forever. We sat in a cafe and drank European coffee, which my sister told me I would hate but I loved. We walked in the rain for miles before falling in bed by 7pm.
I woke at 6am the next morning and we started it all over again. The Musee D'Orsey- I wanted to live in there! My sister always talks about spending hours in these museums and I internally cringe because how could I ever stand in front of a painting for hours? The Impressionists hijacked my soul and I couldn't move. The sculptures that someone spent YEARS carving into an ethereal being larger than life made me want to weep. It suddenly made sense why this trip was such a good idea. I felt like I was being infused with history, brilliance, passion for living. I wanted to move there. I daydreamed of meeting a man who would take me there to live and buy me lots of wool pea coats.
Oh yeah, back to The Principal. Everything was easy going. He is as easy to travel with as he was to date. We didn't have to talk much, there was too much to see. When we finally had a chance to catch our breaths on the second day, we sat down at a cafe and ordered beer. After the second one I started to ask the uncomfortable questions I wanted to get out of my way.
I asked why he would invite me to Paris, a romantic city, for New Years. He didn't think it was that romantic and he thought it would be fun. He had no agenda.
I asked why he blew me off last year when he moved. He was a selfish asshole. (His words)
I told him I still loved him, but I realized we would never work. He looked scared but I told him I was just stating a fact, not opening a conversation about it. I just wanted to get it out of the way so I could move forward. He said he still loved me very much too.
And that was it. We got all the awkward out, went to the gardens surrounding the Eiffel Tower, drank beers in a pub and watched the fireworks as the New Year rang in. We kissed once. I felt a little jealous of the couples embracing all around us but then I thought "Fuck it, I'm in PARIS!" The rest of the night was a laugh. The gardens were muddy from all the rain and I had to be the watch out while the Principal pees in bushes. The metro was too packed so we walked 3 miles back to the hotel, picking up sandwiches and fries to gobble down drunkenly...
Needless to say, the next day we were hungover. We walked around for 4-5 hours looking at everything and went to bed early. Day 4 was the Louvre and I was so overwhelmed by the size of that place I could barely breathe. People were packed everywhere and the Principal gave me an anxiety attack in a crowd I couldn't escape. I got the mean look, but I didn't cry. I was hellbent to enjoy this trip and nothing was going to ruin it. We climbed the Arc, 280 some odd stone steps to the top in a cramped circular staircase, then you are on top of the world! It was amazing to see the entire city. We passed on going up the Eiffel Tower after waiting in line for two hours and getting no closer to the front. My feet were frozen... Laying in bed that night I snuggled my pillow to fall asleep but the Principal finally wanted to hold me. I was too used to my comfortable side of the bed so it didn't last long.
Our last day we got in Notre Dame and Luxembourg Gardens. Words truly cannot describe. The trip, that sky, will forever be embedded in my brain. It was too short, but I am so happy I went.
At the airport the Principal went with me through getting checked in and walked me to the gate. I thanked him again for the opportunity to see this country. I told him to take care. I hugged him hard, ready to go. He grabbed my face, kissed me hard, and said "I love you very much."
All I could do was give him a big hug and walk through security trying to keep the tears back. I knew in my heart I would never see him again.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Another Dream
Last night I had another vibrant, realistic dream. It spanned so many scenes I cannot begin to write it all down. Most important was the hug. More important than the blood on the walls, the strange island or the half green person wanting me to dig a grave. It made me really consider where I have stood in my apathy these past three years.
I was floating in the green water of an ocean or sea not too far from land. There was some mission I needed to get to but I was content floating toward it. Getting there in my own time. Over the water flew a man, I knew he was different because, well, frankly because he was flying. He asked why I was just floating when I needed to get to this place and I nonchalantly replied "I'll get there eventually." and did a lazy backstroke.
He gently plucked me from the water into the air. The friends I hadn't known were around me watched as we climbed through the air and with the weightlessness I let my dangling legs drift up with us to settle around his hips.
My arms around his neck, his arms around my waist we held each other in a light embrace. It was as if we were suspended in water, not rushing air.
I sighed and asked "Why can't we just stay like this forever?"
It occurred to me when I awoke and felt lonely that I haven't been hugged without fear of falling in a very long time.
I was floating in the green water of an ocean or sea not too far from land. There was some mission I needed to get to but I was content floating toward it. Getting there in my own time. Over the water flew a man, I knew he was different because, well, frankly because he was flying. He asked why I was just floating when I needed to get to this place and I nonchalantly replied "I'll get there eventually." and did a lazy backstroke.
He gently plucked me from the water into the air. The friends I hadn't known were around me watched as we climbed through the air and with the weightlessness I let my dangling legs drift up with us to settle around his hips.
My arms around his neck, his arms around my waist we held each other in a light embrace. It was as if we were suspended in water, not rushing air.
I sighed and asked "Why can't we just stay like this forever?"
It occurred to me when I awoke and felt lonely that I haven't been hugged without fear of falling in a very long time.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
The Principal Resurfaces
I haven't heard from The Principal since the middle of summer when I last called him, drunkenly, and suggested he start dating. I admit he took it like a man when I laughed at him for mentioning we meet up for a vacation and swiftly got off the phone. I neatly placed him in the "Do not Disturb" file and went about my life.
Until September when I drunkenly texted him:
Been thinking about you lately. Hope you are doing well.
I know I should be shot and let sleeping dogs lay and all that but I was lonely and stupid. I was, however, smart enough to suspect he couldn't receive my message or wouldn't be bothered to reply. And I was 100% ok with that.
Two weeks later........ Email from the Principal:
Hello there. Not sure if you got my message. Sorry for delay but was in the Congo and only got the text when I got back to South Africa. So you were thinking about me? What were you thinking? I'm kidding. Thought about you many a time. Hope all is going well with marketing for old people living:) pics below are how I spent my birthday!
I looked at his shit eating grin and kind of wanted to smack him. Glad you're having fun being single while all I really want to do is curl up next to someone when I go to bed and eat out more.
Me:
I didn't get your message, didn't really expect a response because I wasn't sure if you could receive texts. Had just been thinking about you a lot and figured I would say hi.
Looks like you caught the world's ugliest fish there! How's everything going with the job?
My building is still in progress, delayed till mid-December. I've been helping with some of their other projects. It has been a strange start, but I am learning a lot which will be an asset as I move up with this company or another.
Other than that, my Mom is back in Iowa, Meghan is in Puerto Rico shooting a movie with John Cusack.
Principal:
I get texts but for some reason I can't send. That is a beautiful fish! Guy holding it even more so ;) It's a Dorado also known as mahi-mahi.
Job is good, stressful but good. Have senior vp's telling me I'm doing fantastic stuff and keep it up. I'd rather they said with $ than compliments ;)
Glad to hear you are at least getting some good learning on the job. If I knew more seniors I'd have them call you.
John Cusack in Puerto Rico? What a dull life she has:) hope you take advantage and have a little holiday there!
Anyway, miss you, all the best. If you download whatsapp on phone then I can reply
PS
Any good plans for New Year's Eve?
Why the hell would he want to know what I'm doing for New Year's? Is this a jab because I broke up with him on New Year's Day nearly 3 years ago? He's really not that good at piecing things together....
Me:
Mahi mahi is one of my favorite fish, but I never have to look it in the face!
Glad things are going well and you look happy on your birthday trip. I'm sure you'll be running that company before long.
I need more seniors so if you know any send them my way! We have some great residents on board but construction delays have put us out to opening in December. I wish I had the time to visit Meghan... she sends such tantalizing pics from the beach which makes me want to maim her. Hoping to spend Thanksgiving in either LA, if her shoot runs long, or Iowa if not. No more wedding, they are getting divorced. Loooong story. No plans for New Year's other than sweat pants and too many animals :-) Miss you too.
Eh, why not be honest. It's an email so what can it hurt?
Principal:
Well since you have no plans I invite you to be with me. Here are the necessities.
1. You will need a passport
2. You will have to pack bags
3. You will have to find an animal sitter
I can't tell you where cuz that would spoil the sense of adventure but I will say this. If u accept u will be given a plane ticket, round trip as I would never leave you stranded:) then all you have to do is go to the airport and board a plane. Simple
I don't hold my breath in anticipation that you will say yes but it would be oh so great to see you and spend some time together. I know it's extravagant maybe mysterious and I'm being coy but why not take a leap of faith and know that we will have a fantastic time.
What the WHAT? I will so not go to South Africa if that is what he's suggesting. But... it has been on my New Year's resolution list forever to leave the country and he had said before he left we could meet up in Ireland or someplace in Europe. Could he really mean he would pay for everything and I would get my wish fulfilled?
Me:
I am surprised and intrigued by your mysterious offer.
I would need to know the following in order to make an informed decision:
1) Travel time required 1 way
2) Length of time for the entire trip
3) Climate
Until September when I drunkenly texted him:
Been thinking about you lately. Hope you are doing well.
I know I should be shot and let sleeping dogs lay and all that but I was lonely and stupid. I was, however, smart enough to suspect he couldn't receive my message or wouldn't be bothered to reply. And I was 100% ok with that.
Two weeks later........ Email from the Principal:
Hello there. Not sure if you got my message. Sorry for delay but was in the Congo and only got the text when I got back to South Africa. So you were thinking about me? What were you thinking? I'm kidding. Thought about you many a time. Hope all is going well with marketing for old people living:) pics below are how I spent my birthday!
I looked at his shit eating grin and kind of wanted to smack him. Glad you're having fun being single while all I really want to do is curl up next to someone when I go to bed and eat out more.
Me:
I didn't get your message, didn't really expect a response because I wasn't sure if you could receive texts. Had just been thinking about you a lot and figured I would say hi.
Looks like you caught the world's ugliest fish there! How's everything going with the job?
My building is still in progress, delayed till mid-December. I've been helping with some of their other projects. It has been a strange start, but I am learning a lot which will be an asset as I move up with this company or another.
Other than that, my Mom is back in Iowa, Meghan is in Puerto Rico shooting a movie with John Cusack.
Principal:
I get texts but for some reason I can't send. That is a beautiful fish! Guy holding it even more so ;) It's a Dorado also known as mahi-mahi.
Job is good, stressful but good. Have senior vp's telling me I'm doing fantastic stuff and keep it up. I'd rather they said with $ than compliments ;)
Glad to hear you are at least getting some good learning on the job. If I knew more seniors I'd have them call you.
John Cusack in Puerto Rico? What a dull life she has:) hope you take advantage and have a little holiday there!
Anyway, miss you, all the best. If you download whatsapp on phone then I can reply
PS
Any good plans for New Year's Eve?
Why the hell would he want to know what I'm doing for New Year's? Is this a jab because I broke up with him on New Year's Day nearly 3 years ago? He's really not that good at piecing things together....
Me:
Mahi mahi is one of my favorite fish, but I never have to look it in the face!
Glad things are going well and you look happy on your birthday trip. I'm sure you'll be running that company before long.
I need more seniors so if you know any send them my way! We have some great residents on board but construction delays have put us out to opening in December. I wish I had the time to visit Meghan... she sends such tantalizing pics from the beach which makes me want to maim her. Hoping to spend Thanksgiving in either LA, if her shoot runs long, or Iowa if not. No more wedding, they are getting divorced. Loooong story. No plans for New Year's other than sweat pants and too many animals :-) Miss you too.
Eh, why not be honest. It's an email so what can it hurt?
Principal:
Well since you have no plans I invite you to be with me. Here are the necessities.
1. You will need a passport
2. You will have to pack bags
3. You will have to find an animal sitter
I can't tell you where cuz that would spoil the sense of adventure but I will say this. If u accept u will be given a plane ticket, round trip as I would never leave you stranded:) then all you have to do is go to the airport and board a plane. Simple
I don't hold my breath in anticipation that you will say yes but it would be oh so great to see you and spend some time together. I know it's extravagant maybe mysterious and I'm being coy but why not take a leap of faith and know that we will have a fantastic time.
What the WHAT? I will so not go to South Africa if that is what he's suggesting. But... it has been on my New Year's resolution list forever to leave the country and he had said before he left we could meet up in Ireland or someplace in Europe. Could he really mean he would pay for everything and I would get my wish fulfilled?
Me:
I am surprised and intrigued by your mysterious offer.
I would need to know the following in order to make an informed decision:
1) Travel time required 1 way
2) Length of time for the entire trip
3) Climate
Principal:
I can only say 5-6 days. Anything more would just be giving it away. However if you become insistent I may fold. But then again I may not ;)
Me:
I will have to be insistent about the flight time and climate.... I would need to know how to pack. If it sways you at all to give in and share more... I am considering this.
And a week goes by without a word. I'm checking my email throughout the day feeling like a moron because he ALWAYS does this to me!
Principal:
Ok I'm caving in. Would have been sooner but jeez have things gotten busy. I will be in Europe, probably Paris. It will be cold but not that bad. And yes it is a lengthy flight.
So I began to feel excited... I could finally get to see some of Europe! Granted it's a short trip but I haven't taken a vacation longer than 4 days in years. I glance over the computer screen to see Julie eyeing me critically and immediately asks what's up.
Me: Ummm... I've been emailing The Principal.
Julie: And what the hell does that little asshole want now? Is he still in South America?
Me: It's South Africa, totally different continent much further away.
Julie: Whatever. He's still an asshole. What does he want?
Me: He's offered to pay for a trip to Europe for New Year's. He said all I have to do is get a passport, pack and get on a plane.
She narrows her eyes at me.
Julie: And what if you go over there and he breaks your heart all over again?
Me: It's not like that... It will just be a platonic vacation.
Julie: (rolling her eyes) Right.
Me: It's not like I'll actually go... I can't take that much time off work so close to our opening.
Julie: F that! You're going! You never take any time for yourself.
Me:
Definitely considering this. Andrea has already approved me taking the time if I decide to go but I need some more details..... Dates and such.
Principal:
Leave on the 29th arrive on the 30th. Then back home on 3rd or 4th. Either one you are back in phx same day just late like 9pm. So you take that week off and no worries. If yes then need all your details cuz I have a shit memory
Address
DOB
Phone
Passport ID
And so I sent him my deets, took the time off work and I AM GOING TO PARIS!!!!
The Restaurateur
During my online attempts to find love- wait no- companionship.... wait, no- a single male... ah, fuck it.
Anyway, this online guy starts texting me. His profile is pretty standard: Loves family, wants to meet Miss Right to settle down with, spends every Sunday engrossed in football. He seems nice except he texts a lot and seeing as how I have a work phone that gets more action than my personal phone I had been sort of ignoring him. Yet, he still wants to meet me.
I leave straight from work in a nice dress, the polka dot one evil people call The Baseball dress, tights and boots. I'm really wishing we weren't meeting at a Catina type place so I wouldn't feel over dressed but maybe looking nice will score me some points. Who knows? It isn't like I'm going to trek all the way home just to change so this what he'll get.
I spot him right away at a table and head over. Quick side hug and order a beer. He's really tall. Plus. A little on the husky side but good smile. Plus. Seems pretty confident but not cocky. Good sign.
I'm surprisingly not uncomfortable...
This guy does most of the talking, which works for me. He and his family own and operate a couple sandich shops on the west side and planning to open up a third. Very business focused but loves to go out, laugh and have fun. Very into his family and looking to start his own sometime in the future.
We had two drinks and I needed to get home to the animal horde. He was very gentlemanly by walking me to my car, nice hug and asked to see me again. While I wasn't lusting after him I thought he was definitely the type of person I would enjoy being around.
Texting back and forth he decided on a fancy restaurant for our next date. I mean really fancy... like waiters in tuxes who call you by your name when they arrive at your table and recommend a proper bottle of wine fancy. I tried to breathe. Do I tell him I'm more of a dive bar girl? Did dressing too nice set a bad example of who I am: The Girl Who Thinks Sweat Pants Should Be Classified as Acceptable Going Out Clothes....?
It was a lovely meal. He had been thoughtful enough to choose a place that specialized in seafood so I would have plenty to pick from. We ordered beer instead of wine because he listened when I talked about how allergic I am to sulfites. He asked questions. In the end he walked me to the elevator at the parking garage and gave me a very nice kiss. It did not melt my bones or make me want to jump him but I found myself thinking I wouldn't mind doing that again.
He even called me later to make sure I got home ok. Such a sweet guy.
But....
But he seemed to be doing a lot of fast tracking. Talking about if we were together at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Inviting me to a family party the following week. Asking me if I'm a cuddler or really affectionate when in a relationship. It made me a little itchy but Anastasia and the rest of my peeps at work convinced me this is normal.... But I was just getting this intense foreboding that if I dated this guy for six months he would want to be in love and getting engaged and married in a year. Which wouldn't be a bad thing if I was crazy about him.....
We agreed to hang out on Sunday and he would let me know what he has planned. When he suggested brunch with his family I felt the need to be honest. I wasn't comfortable meeting his family on the third date. He was very understanding.
And I never heard from him again.........
(I wrote this in sweat pants and a very ginormous robe)
Anyway, this online guy starts texting me. His profile is pretty standard: Loves family, wants to meet Miss Right to settle down with, spends every Sunday engrossed in football. He seems nice except he texts a lot and seeing as how I have a work phone that gets more action than my personal phone I had been sort of ignoring him. Yet, he still wants to meet me.
I leave straight from work in a nice dress, the polka dot one evil people call The Baseball dress, tights and boots. I'm really wishing we weren't meeting at a Catina type place so I wouldn't feel over dressed but maybe looking nice will score me some points. Who knows? It isn't like I'm going to trek all the way home just to change so this what he'll get.
I spot him right away at a table and head over. Quick side hug and order a beer. He's really tall. Plus. A little on the husky side but good smile. Plus. Seems pretty confident but not cocky. Good sign.
I'm surprisingly not uncomfortable...
This guy does most of the talking, which works for me. He and his family own and operate a couple sandich shops on the west side and planning to open up a third. Very business focused but loves to go out, laugh and have fun. Very into his family and looking to start his own sometime in the future.
We had two drinks and I needed to get home to the animal horde. He was very gentlemanly by walking me to my car, nice hug and asked to see me again. While I wasn't lusting after him I thought he was definitely the type of person I would enjoy being around.
Texting back and forth he decided on a fancy restaurant for our next date. I mean really fancy... like waiters in tuxes who call you by your name when they arrive at your table and recommend a proper bottle of wine fancy. I tried to breathe. Do I tell him I'm more of a dive bar girl? Did dressing too nice set a bad example of who I am: The Girl Who Thinks Sweat Pants Should Be Classified as Acceptable Going Out Clothes....?
It was a lovely meal. He had been thoughtful enough to choose a place that specialized in seafood so I would have plenty to pick from. We ordered beer instead of wine because he listened when I talked about how allergic I am to sulfites. He asked questions. In the end he walked me to the elevator at the parking garage and gave me a very nice kiss. It did not melt my bones or make me want to jump him but I found myself thinking I wouldn't mind doing that again.
He even called me later to make sure I got home ok. Such a sweet guy.
But....
But he seemed to be doing a lot of fast tracking. Talking about if we were together at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Inviting me to a family party the following week. Asking me if I'm a cuddler or really affectionate when in a relationship. It made me a little itchy but Anastasia and the rest of my peeps at work convinced me this is normal.... But I was just getting this intense foreboding that if I dated this guy for six months he would want to be in love and getting engaged and married in a year. Which wouldn't be a bad thing if I was crazy about him.....
We agreed to hang out on Sunday and he would let me know what he has planned. When he suggested brunch with his family I felt the need to be honest. I wasn't comfortable meeting his family on the third date. He was very understanding.
And I never heard from him again.........
(I wrote this in sweat pants and a very ginormous robe)
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Fibber McGee's
Going back and forth between the idea of dating again I decided to make a few attempts on EHarmony.com which resulted in the typical lame responses. At first there were a few fish biting. That narrowed down to a few I deemed adequate enough to continue communicating with and eventually I gave my number out to three men.
Bachelor #1: Sent a couple brief texts and arranged to meet at Kona Grill. I got a cold and asked to reschedule. Never heard from him again.
Bachelor #2: Sent a couple texts that were closed ended. That went no where.
Bachelor #3: Sent more interesting texts and CALLED (novel idea, right?). We had a three hour phone conversation about books, work, what we are looking for in dating, animals. It was fun. Even though I wasn't exactly tingling, I felt like I could do this again.
We continued to text a little and he called again the following weekend. Another long conversation where we started to open up more about past relationships and politics, work ethic. The getting to know you crap I normally despise wasn't so terrible. A couple days later we had another long call, talked about my dad and his dad's illness. Maybe I have finally met a normal human being!
Bachelor #3 invited me to have a drink at Fibber McGee's on a week night. I wasn't stressed or worried, I was just going to be myself and see where this goes. Running late getting home from work I texted him I would meet him around 8pm. I showered, did my hair and dressed casual nice. No butterflies. Maybe I'm maturing!
Maybe I have a sixth sense....
Bachelor #3 is decent looking guy. Taller than me. Big green eyes. We had a beer and made small talk. I was a little awkward at first but managed to loosen up. I can't really pinpoint the moment it got weird, but weird it most certainly got. He began to lose control of the conversation, or his ability to focus on it. He started to complain about his job as a manager at a pizza chain because obviously he made so much less money than when he was a professional poker player and certainly a lot less than what I make. I tried to reign it back in...
He got up to go the bathroom after we ordered a second round and knocked into a chair. Maybe he's just clumsy? I walk into stuff all the time... When he came back it was pretty obvious he was a couple drinks ahead of me. I asked if we could go outside to smoke, this was starting to stress me out. He could barely walk out the door and propped himself against a wall. He starts asking if he can kiss me. No. No. Fuck NO. He's slurring his words, eyes rolling around in his head. For the love of God, how much has this guy been drinking? He moves to grab his beer off the table and nearly falls over on it.
I direct him to a chair as he's chanting "You hate me, I can't believe this.." I asked how many he's had and he attempts to tell me its only 4-5 including the beers he's had with me. False. He's a tall guy and I don't get this freaking sloppy when I overindulge. He tries the kissing thing again and I want to smack him. People are looking in our direction. I take a sip of my beer and declare that we need to close out and I'll drive him home. (I am too nice, and or stupid, for my own good.) With a sigh, Bachelor # 3 starts to pour the rest of his beer into my beer but spills it all over my lap instead.
He stumbles to the bar while I try to keep a straight face. I just want to get rid of this guy and go home. I let him pay the tab, not feeling one little bit like I should pitch in at all. He sways out the door, walks like a sailor all the way to my car and nearly falls on his face missing the door handle. Then he proceeds giving me crap directions to his home, like I'm going drastically change lanes when I am soaked in beer.
At his townhouse, he tries to convince me to "just come in side." I explained during our phone calls that I'm not looking to get my sex on with just anyone. Why the hell would I go into a drunk stranger's abode? He pleads that I should at least come to the door to meet his dog. I am a sucker for dogs. I left my car running, told him I would say hello and then I needed to go home. The big dog starts barking excitedly inside while Bachelor #3 takes an eternity to figure out which key on his key ring is most likely to gain entrance to his home. The door is opened a year later, the dog surges forward and proceeds to pee.
Urine is splashing ff the tile, all over my leg and shoe. Poor beast continues to pee nervously in a circle. The only time a large dog does this: They haven't been let out in a really long time. He looks so ashamed I call him outside for petting because it isn't his fault, it's the fault of his asshole owner. The dog bounces off to pee more, Bachelor #3 is swaying and making more excuses. The dog runs into the street where headlights are approaching. I scream, calling him back. Bachelor #3 says the dog is fine, he knows the area.... I'm so sick for the beast, he's dirty, hasn't been out all day from the looks of it and his alcoholic owner doesn't care if he gets hit by a car. Wow. I sure can pick 'em.
As I was driving home I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. So I announced out loud "I just got peed on." and bust out cackling. This was hands down the WORST date I have ever been on.
I stopped at a gas station and opened up to the female cashier.
Me: "I just have to share this with someone right now. I went on a first date tonight. The guy ended up getting drunk, spilled beer in my lap. Then, I had to drive him home where his dog peed all over me."
Her eyes popped out and her jaw dropped. I could see she was furiously trying to come up with a response. I shrugged and headed to the door.
"You deserve better than that!" she called after me.
"God, I hope so!"
This story, however, was lot's of entertainment the following day at work.
Bachelor #1: Sent a couple brief texts and arranged to meet at Kona Grill. I got a cold and asked to reschedule. Never heard from him again.
Bachelor #2: Sent a couple texts that were closed ended. That went no where.
Bachelor #3: Sent more interesting texts and CALLED (novel idea, right?). We had a three hour phone conversation about books, work, what we are looking for in dating, animals. It was fun. Even though I wasn't exactly tingling, I felt like I could do this again.
We continued to text a little and he called again the following weekend. Another long conversation where we started to open up more about past relationships and politics, work ethic. The getting to know you crap I normally despise wasn't so terrible. A couple days later we had another long call, talked about my dad and his dad's illness. Maybe I have finally met a normal human being!
Bachelor #3 invited me to have a drink at Fibber McGee's on a week night. I wasn't stressed or worried, I was just going to be myself and see where this goes. Running late getting home from work I texted him I would meet him around 8pm. I showered, did my hair and dressed casual nice. No butterflies. Maybe I'm maturing!
Maybe I have a sixth sense....
Bachelor #3 is decent looking guy. Taller than me. Big green eyes. We had a beer and made small talk. I was a little awkward at first but managed to loosen up. I can't really pinpoint the moment it got weird, but weird it most certainly got. He began to lose control of the conversation, or his ability to focus on it. He started to complain about his job as a manager at a pizza chain because obviously he made so much less money than when he was a professional poker player and certainly a lot less than what I make. I tried to reign it back in...
He got up to go the bathroom after we ordered a second round and knocked into a chair. Maybe he's just clumsy? I walk into stuff all the time... When he came back it was pretty obvious he was a couple drinks ahead of me. I asked if we could go outside to smoke, this was starting to stress me out. He could barely walk out the door and propped himself against a wall. He starts asking if he can kiss me. No. No. Fuck NO. He's slurring his words, eyes rolling around in his head. For the love of God, how much has this guy been drinking? He moves to grab his beer off the table and nearly falls over on it.
I direct him to a chair as he's chanting "You hate me, I can't believe this.." I asked how many he's had and he attempts to tell me its only 4-5 including the beers he's had with me. False. He's a tall guy and I don't get this freaking sloppy when I overindulge. He tries the kissing thing again and I want to smack him. People are looking in our direction. I take a sip of my beer and declare that we need to close out and I'll drive him home. (I am too nice, and or stupid, for my own good.) With a sigh, Bachelor # 3 starts to pour the rest of his beer into my beer but spills it all over my lap instead.
He stumbles to the bar while I try to keep a straight face. I just want to get rid of this guy and go home. I let him pay the tab, not feeling one little bit like I should pitch in at all. He sways out the door, walks like a sailor all the way to my car and nearly falls on his face missing the door handle. Then he proceeds giving me crap directions to his home, like I'm going drastically change lanes when I am soaked in beer.
At his townhouse, he tries to convince me to "just come in side." I explained during our phone calls that I'm not looking to get my sex on with just anyone. Why the hell would I go into a drunk stranger's abode? He pleads that I should at least come to the door to meet his dog. I am a sucker for dogs. I left my car running, told him I would say hello and then I needed to go home. The big dog starts barking excitedly inside while Bachelor #3 takes an eternity to figure out which key on his key ring is most likely to gain entrance to his home. The door is opened a year later, the dog surges forward and proceeds to pee.
Urine is splashing ff the tile, all over my leg and shoe. Poor beast continues to pee nervously in a circle. The only time a large dog does this: They haven't been let out in a really long time. He looks so ashamed I call him outside for petting because it isn't his fault, it's the fault of his asshole owner. The dog bounces off to pee more, Bachelor #3 is swaying and making more excuses. The dog runs into the street where headlights are approaching. I scream, calling him back. Bachelor #3 says the dog is fine, he knows the area.... I'm so sick for the beast, he's dirty, hasn't been out all day from the looks of it and his alcoholic owner doesn't care if he gets hit by a car. Wow. I sure can pick 'em.
As I was driving home I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. So I announced out loud "I just got peed on." and bust out cackling. This was hands down the WORST date I have ever been on.
I stopped at a gas station and opened up to the female cashier.
Me: "I just have to share this with someone right now. I went on a first date tonight. The guy ended up getting drunk, spilled beer in my lap. Then, I had to drive him home where his dog peed all over me."
Her eyes popped out and her jaw dropped. I could see she was furiously trying to come up with a response. I shrugged and headed to the door.
"You deserve better than that!" she called after me.
"God, I hope so!"
This story, however, was lot's of entertainment the following day at work.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
My kind-of attempts to get into dating....
I've reached a funny stalemate with myself about dating. The truth is, I would very much like to meet a guy, go out, get to know him, share my thoughts, laugh, joke, cuddle, be romantic, and all that shit. The problem is that from what I hear and see of other people's relationships dating is just a farce. Lie about how easy going you are. Pretend to be OK with the other person's emotional distance. Set aside pieces of yourself so things go more smoothly. Do this until you get married and then it's open season on how unaccommodating you want to be or accept it and lose those little pieces for ever.
It seems like a lot of bullshit to go through just for some semi-regular sex and the right to post kissy pics on FB.
With that in mind, my Internet dating is a little wah-wah-wahhhh..... Very few prospects and all the answers make me bored. Plus, the majority of my matches are short. I was very clear in my settings that I didn't want to date someone under 5'9" (because I'm 5'6" and sometimes like to wear heels that make me 5'10" and anyone under the approved height minimum would make me look like a freaking Amazon.) They need to make a new website called NapoleonComplexSingles.com where all the short people can go to pretend to find love.
I've been texted by 3 of the guys I went through the communication process with and they are all inept in some way. One just wants to meet up and I've forgotten everything I've learned about him already. Two goes with the closed ended statements about himself. How am supposed to respond to that Two? Say how awesome your statement is just to keep up this disappointing illusion of a conversation? Not gonna happen. Three is hit or miss and has already used the word kinky. All 3 chose to text rather than call.
Needless to say I have been on zero dates.
This doesn't upset me, just makes me less enthusiastic about even trying to date. Sure, I want all the mushy crap and sex but I want that to be a accompanied by a brain and some genuine interest thrown my way. So, I'm not going to sweat it. I will continue to go about my business and wait for an opportunity to jump a stranger. (With that comment I expect a call from Chloe "seeing how things are going")
It seems like a lot of bullshit to go through just for some semi-regular sex and the right to post kissy pics on FB.
With that in mind, my Internet dating is a little wah-wah-wahhhh..... Very few prospects and all the answers make me bored. Plus, the majority of my matches are short. I was very clear in my settings that I didn't want to date someone under 5'9" (because I'm 5'6" and sometimes like to wear heels that make me 5'10" and anyone under the approved height minimum would make me look like a freaking Amazon.) They need to make a new website called NapoleonComplexSingles.com where all the short people can go to pretend to find love.
I've been texted by 3 of the guys I went through the communication process with and they are all inept in some way. One just wants to meet up and I've forgotten everything I've learned about him already. Two goes with the closed ended statements about himself. How am supposed to respond to that Two? Say how awesome your statement is just to keep up this disappointing illusion of a conversation? Not gonna happen. Three is hit or miss and has already used the word kinky. All 3 chose to text rather than call.
Needless to say I have been on zero dates.
This doesn't upset me, just makes me less enthusiastic about even trying to date. Sure, I want all the mushy crap and sex but I want that to be a accompanied by a brain and some genuine interest thrown my way. So, I'm not going to sweat it. I will continue to go about my business and wait for an opportunity to jump a stranger. (With that comment I expect a call from Chloe "seeing how things are going")
Saturday, August 17, 2013
I Am Robot
I have been on several dates with the Beard. Anastasia tells me he's a good guy. He's sweet, texting me all the time telling me I'm beautiful. He thinks of thoughtful dates. I mean like seeing Princess Bride on the big screen and fancy restaurant type dates. We have fun together. He brought me flowers. He drank non-alcoholic beverages at my 4th of July party with my crazy family. He helped me shop for accent shit for work. He took me to the circus.
But....
But........
Sigh.
He kisses me like we are in junior high. Or we need a safe word. I'm completely comfortable around him with the exception that there is no passion. I have been hanging out with this dude since the end of May and he hasn't tried ANYTHING.
So last week we went to a nice dinner and comedy show. I went out and bought a nice new dress, bra and undies. Not expecting anything, but to get my mojo going in general. It was fun, he even made sure that I had a good view after some head bobbing. I had tried to probe some info out of him about prior relationships but discovered he had non. 26 years old, recovering alcoholic and no prior relationships. End of the night.... Barely even some tongue.
What am I doing? This is not dating! He doesn't ask about my work. We don't talk about his plans other than paying off DUI fines and his apartment smells like dog piss. I have finally regressed to college.
How difficult is it for me to date? Let's see... Two years ago Chloe was still hung up on her ex, now she has an amazing boyfriend who is looking to propose in the next few months. They're freaking inseparable, which both makes me sick and happy at the same time. Kelly, is married. Anastasia has a steady boy toy. And me? I'm still reliving the freaking Principle and Work Guy (1st out of country the second getting engaged. Oh yeah, the EX is having a baby!)
I was watching New Girl yesterday and realized it has been YEARS since anyone has kissed me because they felt compelled. YEARS.
To end this sorry note....
I signed back up on internet dating today.
Sigh. More beer for me.
But....
But........
Sigh.
He kisses me like we are in junior high. Or we need a safe word. I'm completely comfortable around him with the exception that there is no passion. I have been hanging out with this dude since the end of May and he hasn't tried ANYTHING.
So last week we went to a nice dinner and comedy show. I went out and bought a nice new dress, bra and undies. Not expecting anything, but to get my mojo going in general. It was fun, he even made sure that I had a good view after some head bobbing. I had tried to probe some info out of him about prior relationships but discovered he had non. 26 years old, recovering alcoholic and no prior relationships. End of the night.... Barely even some tongue.
What am I doing? This is not dating! He doesn't ask about my work. We don't talk about his plans other than paying off DUI fines and his apartment smells like dog piss. I have finally regressed to college.
How difficult is it for me to date? Let's see... Two years ago Chloe was still hung up on her ex, now she has an amazing boyfriend who is looking to propose in the next few months. They're freaking inseparable, which both makes me sick and happy at the same time. Kelly, is married. Anastasia has a steady boy toy. And me? I'm still reliving the freaking Principle and Work Guy (1st out of country the second getting engaged. Oh yeah, the EX is having a baby!)
I was watching New Girl yesterday and realized it has been YEARS since anyone has kissed me because they felt compelled. YEARS.
To end this sorry note....
I signed back up on internet dating today.
Sigh. More beer for me.
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