Salsa Festival

I think that the romance is dead. Its actually the walking dead, zombie crap movie dead. I don't know how to make it better and I'm not sure I ever had any real idea on how to create romance in the first place. I mean, I can't even plan an outfit let alone be mushy on a guy.

I had invited the Principal to the Salsa Festival over a month ago. Its an event my mom and I do with our good friend, Amada. They make the fabu-tastic salsa and I dish it out which has gotten us a win three years running. I thought it would be an excellent opportunity to subject the Principal to my mother as he would have plenty of chances to run away. After our recent dates, however, I was not sure that introducing him to my mom was such a bright idea. I decided I would keep my mouth shut about the matter and pray that he would forget.

I'm not that lucky.

The weekend before the Salsa Festival, I was over at the Principal's and he brings it up. He remembered the date and all. Now, had I not already decided he shouldn't go with me, his thoughtfulness would have been touching. Even sweet. But at the moment, it was the kiss of death. Wasn't it just two weeks ago that the Principal was squirming visibly when questioned about whether or not he liked me? How do you tell a guy that you don't want him to meet your mother because you don't think he's that serious about you? You don't. You evade the subject and try to make him feel good about not going. In theory, this would have worked perfectly.

I told the Principal that I wasn't sure that he should go because my mom would ask him uncomfortable questions about our "relationship". Hand signed the quotations for him. I silently added that if he couldn't talk about our "relationship" with me he sure as hell wouldn't enjoy discussing it with my mother in front of an audience. His response: "I can handle it."

Ugh.

During the week he kept asking about it and I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted him to go. Actaully, I was quite certain that I did NOT want him to go, but you can't say that nicely so I didn't say it at all. I kept on thinking about it. By Thursday, I could think of no kind way to say the Principal shouldn't go with me to the Salsa Festival. I warned him that my mother would harrass him, but he was determined to let me know he wasn't scared. As if this was a bravery test.

So, I caved. I would take this dude that I have been "seeing", who can't define our relationship, who kinda shows me he likes me the one day a week we see each other, who only calls me if a friend of mine dies and then doesn't talk about it with me, who sleeps on his side of the bed and doesn't like to cuddle.... I'm going to introduce him to my lovely mother who can only see the glass as being half empty with a crack at the bottom. This should be fun.

The Principal showed up to my place on time Saturday. While I finished getting ready he ran to the store for some beer, returning with the kind I like especially for me. Awww.. showing me he cares, right? After some canoodling we headed off to the magical land of Maricopa for the Salsa Festival. On the road I asked the Principal how I should introduce him. This is a simple, but potentially loaded question. I simply can not resist asking. True to form, the Principal responded in jest:

Hey Mom, This is the Principal,
A) Who is as brilliant as he is good looking
B) The guy I'm crazy about
C) The greatest guy ever

I gave him the evil eye and focussed back on the road. I would just say his name as introduction and that would have to do. Should have guessed that by asking this question I would never get a straight answer. Then, the Principal turns in his seat, eyes lighting up with mischeif and says, "Well, when my parents come to town next month I will introduce you as my girlfriend."

I was momentarily speechless. Two weeks ago he didn't know how to "define us" and now he wants to be my boyfriend? Good grief! I came out of my coma to let him know that I was thankful for the heads up because if he would have just spit out that girlfriend line in front of his parents I probably would have some choice words and odd facial expressions he might not appreciate. Hearing that the Principal thought of me as his girlfriend should have made me ecstatic, but instead I felt like my insides dropped down to my toes where they promptly began to dissolve in acid. Was I boxing myself in with an emotionally devoid individual. Seal my coffin and wait for the dead to rise.

At the Salsa Festival I introduced him by his name and left it at that. Since the tent was hopping and I had to get right to work, I don't think that the Principal noticed. Of course, my lovely mother had to get in a comment about his aloofness within the first 3 seconds of meeting. Other than that we had a great time. He helped out a lot more than I thought he would by smiling, being charming and attentive to my needs...

My mom was amazingly on her best behavior, aside from snickering that I'd lost another "boyfriend" to the Salsa Festival while the Principal was off buying me beer. She believed that after the Needy Guy I should keep all men away from Maricopa (and her). Later, she attributed her lack of nastiness to the fact that my sister had called and demanded mom behave in our presence. Gotta love good ole Meggie! Lovely mother had to put in her own two cents, though, and added that she was just too busy to grill the guy.

After we dished out all the salsa, the Principal and I walked around the park drinking beer and in search of the elusvie Pink Panther ice cream bar. I have waited years to find one. The Principal had spotted it at an ice cream truck, rushed back to tell me all excited that he had found my dream popsicle! And of course they sold out before I could get my hands on that cool, pink goodness! I opted for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle instead, but that fucker turned my whole mouth green. I threw it out halfway through. Everyone got a good laugh whenever my green tongue appeared, so I decided to show it off as much as possible when anyone mocked me.

We won for the fourth year. We jumped up and down like hedgehogs and screamed like coyotes. Amada decided it was our last year at the Maricopa Salsa Festival, since no one else clapped for us... We'll just move on to bigger and better competitions! Tempe watch out! I think the Principal thought we all lost our minds, but he was kinda drunk so he didn't seem to care.

Back at my house we watched a little TV before bed. When the Principal curled up on the couch in a fetal position, I knew it was time to hit the hay. I sort of felt like leaving him on the couch while I dove into a book and a couple of beers on the patio. He was sleeping so its not like it would bother him, right? Grrr... I gently hit him in the head and told him it was time to move off the couch. So, we went to bed together to sleep each on our own sides.

I awoke. It was light out. Something was very wrong but I couldn't place it. Trying to make sense of this mystery, I rolled over and buried my face in the pillow. Nothing rolled off my leg. Nothing was thumping its tail against the ground at my noisiness. Nothing was screaming to be fed while stalking me from the bottom of the bed. The Principal was also missing from my bedroom... Coming slowly more conscious I could hear the muffled sounds of a TV, probably with sports on, and coffee brewing. I lurched out of bed, figuring I better feed the beasts before the cat gets itself killed by the Principal.

When I arrived in the kitchen, looking like a zombie, the Principal glanced sheepishly over the back of the couch. Obviously, he hadn't been trying to wake me but here I was with hair sticking up all over the place looking like the grinch. With a wave of my hand I headed over to the pantry saying I just wanted to feed the animals before they drive him bonkers.

"I already took care of that. You can go back to bed, I know you wanted to sleep in." I whirled around and narrowed my eyes as if he had just told me that he buried my cat alive in the backyard. I can understand why he would feed my dog, looking all cute and doe eyed like he never gets fed. Strangers want to feed my dog. People Facebook me about how much they love the Cutterboy. But why would he feed my cat? Nobody likes the cat, not even me and especially not the Principal.... Was he trying to distract me from the fact that he was defiling my TV by watching sports on it? So I simply asked him... why?

Apparently, my new boyfriend pays attention. He had overheard me telling my mother that I'd be sleeping in until at least ten a.m. and therefore would not be coming down to Casa Grande at the buttcrack of dawn to try on clothes. He fed the beasts because they woke him up. He made coffee because he wanted some and he was perfectly content watching sports while I slept in. Hmmm... I think I like this, but since I am forced to think about whether or not I like this I am now awake and will be unable to go back to bed.

We spent the rest of the morning watching Nascar. I felt dirty afterward but think it would be fun to drink beer on top of an RV in the middle of some really fast cars. I was told that drinking beer on the roof of a mobile home is not the point of Nascar, simply a by product. I told him it was the only fucking product of this sport that was worth participating in.

I think he was bit concernee after hearing my Nascar comments and seeing my shaggy back yard that I might be leaning toward white trash. Better get to work on that. The Principal went to Lowe's to buy me weed killer which he administered to my crazy ass backyard.

He also brought back doughnuts. He lost a point for NOT getting any long johns. You can't forget long johns when you bring home doughnuts. I don't care if they DO count as two doughnuts, they are totally WORTH it! This is very important for men to know. It should be taught in sex ed classes because that's probably the only place they pay attention at a young age. Or they could put doughnut ads in with condom commercials to get the point across.
Whatever the solution, it must be done.

I ate a glazed instead.