The End of Work Guy

What can I say? I crashed and burned again.

Work Guy texted me last and asked if it bothered me that we no longer discussed moving in together. For the past 2 months we have been distant. After that rocky trip to California I cried after a baseball game. I sensed the wrongness of what was going on between us and didn't know how to fix it. He just had this tired look on his face like "Just be happy."

I think what changed was that Work Guy settled into his "relationship mode" and I believed he was tired of me. He started treating me like a novelty instead of me, and I was getting the impression that he was wanting the type of relationship he's had before. Only problem: He didn't like those relationships.

I started becoming his ex, or probably worse. I wonder if she was really as bad as he made her seem or if he created that monster himself.

At the beginning of August an internal job opportunity came around. Out of state. I remembered when we used to talk about the Principal. Work Guy said he would never consider moving while in a relationship with me, or at least not without some serious discussion. Our discussion involved him telling me he wouldn't apply unless the job met his criteria and he didn't think it would. He had a long talk with his uncle about. Within a few days he applied. I was bewildered. What did that mean for us.

I threw a fit. I never wanted to be the girl that said "What about me!" but there was no other way. A year to the month my last boyfriend was in the process of leaving town for a job and I thought Work Guy would be a little more sensitive to how that would make me feel. I'm such an ass.

He said "You knew this was something I wanted to do. We have talked about how I would need a branch manager position to move up and that would most likely involve a move."

As a hypothetical, yes, I understood that. But deep down I also knew this would end our relationship. My only solace was the reassurance he would make me a part of it through discussion.

I said "We haven't discussed it!"

He said "There is nothing really to talk about until I get offered the job. And I probably won't even get it."

I said "So after they offer you the job you want and need to move up in the company we will discuss it? So basically I get the choice of having a long distance relationship, AGAIN, or losing you. Sounds win win to me." What was I supposed to say?

He said "We would work it out. I would only be there a year, year and a half tops. And once I got settled we could talk about moving you out there." De ja fucking voo. I began drinking more beer and staying home by myself. Wrong decision.

I ranted and raved about how terribly appealing that all sounded. He accused me of making him wear the Principal's sins. He knew all about my last relationship, he should know he chose to try those sins on for size.

We nearly broke up. I started to withdraw, again, which is my defense mechanism when I am certain I will get hurt. He asked if I wanted him to withdraw from the application. I didn't want to make him do anything. I just wanted to be involved, have some reassurance that we were actually in this together. I didn't get the reassurance because apparently we were not.

Last weekend we went to Couer d' Alene to visit his grandfather. Work Guy was coming in on a different flight and I had a layover in Boise. After meeting with my cousin, I missed my flight. I couldn't believe this. After our near breakup I was attempting to be a quieter version of me. Just be involved with Work Guy and his life, don't talk about myself. Don't draw attention to my crazy. maybe he'll like me better if I'm.. less.

Well, I threw a fit. I could not control the undulating sobs that racked my body. I called him for reassurance, for help. I needed him so much right at that moment I thought my heart was breaking. He sounded like a distant version of a caring person. I know he wanted to help me, but he just kept asking me what I was going to do. I didn't know what I should do. I really just wanted to lay down on the tarmac and become an airplane pancake.

Each time I called him it got worse and worse. I wanted guidance, he just wanted me to figure it out and tell him what I was doing. My brilliant plan to rent a car was shot down as being to long and dangerous. After 2 hours of bawling and running around the Boise airport I relented, got a hotel room and watched my phone for trickling of texts. My outburst of emotion was terrible. I felt like a fool. But all I really had wanted was to have him hug me and tell me everything would be ok. He went out to the bar with his cousin and texted me briefly.

I wanted to be held. I am stupid for thinking it is ok to request this. I am stupid to think because he was sweet, tender and understanding 3 months ago he would just want to hump me now. I told him such. Ooops. Forgot not to be me.

There was an incident involving ribs. While dinner was being prepared, Work Guy casually mentions that he and I will run into town to get something I will eat. I became uncomfortable. His grandma gave me a skeptical look. Here I was a guest in this house and refusing to eat their food. His grandpa assured me I could whip something up from last nights turkey. Work Guy shrugged and got himself a drink. Leaving me alone in a million dollar kitchen with his grandma.

I gingerly poked around, not that I mind making my own food, but having to ask a stranger in their kitchen where everything is can be kind of stressful. I threw some leftovers in a pan with spices, olive oil, and salad dressing. Grandma told me it didn't look very good and asked if I cook that stuff for Work Guy. No, I don't cook often. I have issues with cooking which was making this even more fun.

I thought I was going to cry, wondering why I am such a freaking crybaby all the time with this guy. Why do I always feel on the fringes of doing something wrong? Why can't I just whip something up and banter happily with his family? Why does it take me so long to warm up to people? What is wrong with me?

The next day we had fun jet skiing, even though Work Guy was distant. He doesn't like me, he doesn't like me, he doesn't like me. Why did he ever like me? How am I supposed to act?

We stopped for some drinks at a picnic bar (only the rich). He shared a story about his ex. Once his mom had gone out to get dinner. She brought home a bunch of pork salads for everyone and mixed them all together. Then, when she realized his girlfriend didn't eat lettuce, it tasted watery and strange, his mom proceeded to pick the lettuce out for her. His girlfriend was so embarrassed and mad at him for putting her in that position.

I stared at him. This story was meant to make me feel better, I think. Because his ex's dislike of foods is stranger than mine. I pointed out how embarrassing it was for me to go about eating something different and could relate to his ex. I don't think he liked that. To him it wasn't a big deal. Probably because it did not directly affect him, therefore should not bother anyone else. I'm sure his ex would not have been angry with him had he been able to empathize.

Later at a different dinner, I was having a great conversation with his grandpa, whose personality is much like my father's. The topic of road trips came about and Work Guy immediately complained about how many bathroom stops I needed. Yes, I pee a lot. He knows this and thank you for sharing. But the look on his face and tone changed. This was not playful teasing, he was actually irritated. I tried to make it banter, tease him for shopping around in the stores we stopped at. But I was still getting the dirty look. My skin crawled. Does he hate me because I have to go to the bathroom frequently? This may seem extreme, but he had never looked at me this way or talked about me in such a disapproving manner.

Anyway. So last night I ask where he is going with this not talking about moving in together stuff. Still in text. Trying to be light. Hopeful because he is opening up. I didn't think we'd be moving in together anytime soon. There were things to work on, but I wanted it to work with him. Without further ado, the man who said he wanted to marry me, had been saving for a ring, said he loved me more than anyone he had ever known, told me he no longer felt as strongly and couldn't see a long term relationship with me anymore. He wanted to be open about this because I want to have children (someday). Lots of little things, he just doesn't think we are compatible. He was ok dating me in the short term if that was what I wanted.

Who wants to be with someone who doesn't really want to be with them? Not me. The ironic part is that I was the one in the beginning who thought we weren't compatible, and he pushed. I was the one who warned him that I would someday want to get married and have kids and I didn't think that was something he wanted. I was wary because I feared he would not be as excited by me when the chase was over and he had me. Then I let go and embraced him.

I know I write all the bad stuff in here, because that's what gets the blood boiling. But I genuinely loved Work Guy. When he stopped putting on a show for people he was very sensitive, sweet, caring and smart. He became my best friend. Then he decided we weren't compatible. He didn't want to work on things because he had already made up his mind that we wouldn't work.

I am so sick and sad and angry. I have the cliche "Can't eat or sleep or stop crying and shaking." All I can think is that he lied to me about the way he felt, or lied to himself so he could get the goal. I wish I had never met him. I wish I had been different, done things better. I regret the 10 pounds I gained back after painfully loosing them last year.

Going in to work was dreadful. I knew he would be there. He brought me coffee, I jumped, muttered thank you, and couldn't keep myself from crying. I know he saw, even though he tried not to look at me directly. After half the day was over I told my boss I was ill with allergies and needed to go home. Where I forced some food in me so I would not puke. Where I cannot sleep. Where I sobbed uncontrollably because this man made me feel like the biggest loser in the entire fucking world.

I wondered who he has lined up next.

When we were friends I had the perfect girl pegged for him:
Cute, bubbly.
Hobbies:
Working out all the time so she can look good in designer jeans
Cocktails with the girls at posh places
Perfect hair and nails, always
Intelligent, but can play it down
Content being a girlfriend, not an individual

I thought he needed someone who could depend on him to make her feel good, which he would know he is responsible for, and in turn she would make it her mission to please him, which is what he feels he deserves for being such a good guy for her. I don't think he would see this as co-dependent. Where as I just wanted to be myself, and be loved. Have him be himself, and love him.

It is over, and I am heartbroken.
Now I am off to Ange's house to watch he dye her roots, her medicine for the hole in my chest.