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Do you ever get the feeling there is a word, or sentence, or a paragraph sitting on the edge of your tongue waiting to jump? It can't simply fall, because that would be natural. Gravity forcing the weightiness behind your word to take the plunge. A force of nature all its own compelling the conversation as if from destiny's own shove. No, my words always have to jump. My will behind them, carving my own path. My words are eager to commit their own verbal suicide because my mind refuses to hold on to them any longer. Jump, and find out what lays beyond...
Some days, I can resist a little bit.
I am excited by the prospect of a new beginning with my most recent Match.com guy. I will call him Scotty, due to the fact he's first generation American from Scottish parents. I will feel free to change the before mentioned name at any time he presents something more apt to call him by.
Even though I really want to see him, a new concept for me, I am waiting until our next date. Even though the perilous words at the tip of my tongue are there, hopping up and down to do a swan dive out into the ether.... "Why don't we get together for some frozen yogurt tonight instead of waiting until tomorrow?" But that would be unnatural for me. Too forward. Implying something more, right?
I have let loose a few texts about how into Scotty I am without being a complete sap. We have only been out once. It would be asinine to insinuate I am looking forward to weekend hikes or watching movies cuddled up on a couch. Did 30 fry my brain? Have I had a stroke? I do not think like this and I am going to ruin everything if I don't keep these little cliff-hanger words in their place.
At the evil place of work, I was so bored I turned on Facebook and was rewarded with an IM from BP. We messaged back and forth a couple weeks ago and I wondered if he suddenly got bored with whatever distraction that had made him forget about me. It was benign. Yet still hours later, at home, those words laced with question marks were marching around my mouth eager to kamikaze into space.
Why did BP just stop pursuing me? What had I done wrong (besides sleep with him)?
Sitting here on my patio, staring at my phone while waiting for Scotty to call me after his run, I was possessed with the need to know why BP still IM'd me, acting like nothing ever happened. And I began the slow decent:
Me: Hey there
BP: New phone. No contacts. Help me out here. (This was exactly what I use when I delete someone from my phone, am contacted again by them, and don't want to text that)
Me: Ha. Kate
BP: New phone yesterday. No idea how to swap contacts. What's up.
Me: Technology is a tricky thing. Just thought I'd say hi. (At this point, the words are receding back into my throat toward the hollow place in my stomach)
BP. Well hello. What are you up to?
I say I'm doing the usual, he says he's hanging out with friends. I say have fun.
BP: You should come down and have a drink with me. (Interpretation: Since you are lonely enough to contact me, drive 30 minutes to my house to have uncomfortable sex)
Me: It's a little late. (Interpretation: Gee thanks for thinking of me. Ass.)
He insists it is not late, I insist that it is. Maybe some other time, but thanks for the invite.
BP: You look too deep into things. Wasn't looking for anything crazy.
Me: I didn't think that you were. (If by not crazy you mean I could drive all the way down to have a couple of beers, be contorted into freakish positions while you had your way at my body- I won't even say with because somehow I always managed to feel conspicuously absent- and then have the option of driving home very late at night or very early in the morning)
BP: So I'll be sitting home alone, and so will you. Shame.
Me: Such is life. We get used to it eventually, right? (Meaning: It hasn't bothered you before.)
More texts about how we need to live a little, he's all for spur of the moment.
Me: Is that why you're always out doing wild and crazy things?
BP: I don't do much. I just jump at opportunities.
Me: Ah, so jumping at the opportunity to have someone drive 30 minutes to keep you company? (Sounds like you're more trying to take advantage) Btw, didn't you get a puppy?
BP: I'd drive 30 minutes to keep you company if needed. (Was that all it would have taken? Because there were several months where I could've used the company) Puppy has been put on hold.
Me: How come? The puppy I mean
BP: Haven't found the right one
And I found that the perfect place to stop responding to him. I'm sure he will never realize the perfect alignment of his half-assed hook-up attempt and the fact that it has taken him 5 months to commit to a puppy he promised his daughter for Christmas. Maybe he doesn't feel the reason those words are dying to escape from his mouth. Maybe he doesn't see that he doesn't want anyone or anything for companionship when he can just take advantage of certain opportunites. Just like he didn't see how ridiculous he looked, or sounded, when he was kissing me all over saying "What are you worried about, Kate? That I won't call you in the morning?" then faded away into nothing.
And I never had to ask why he just stopped seeing me. It no longer mattered. The words that had been so eager to be spoken, had their questions answered.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
What I Want
I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I’m watching “Lost.” And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame, and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed - like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms, like a damned Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me. Even when I’m old. And that’s what I want.
- Liz Lemon, 30 Rock
This is what I want. Someone who will love me even when I look like an Irish potato farmer after hot yoga. Who doesn't mind the fact that I want to wear sweats to the grocery store or expect me to look like a Victoria's Secret model when I go to bed and understands that just poking me in the back with his "thing" does not make me get all hot and bothered.
I want someone who thinks about me as much as I think about them. Loves my crooked teeth and white skin. Who I can call to say "I miss you" but not be obligated to spend every waking hour together. I want someone to snuggle, hug, kiss and do dirty things to when the mood strikes but doesn't need me to wash his clothes. Someone who likes to do yard work, can hold a conversation without having to check his phone or Sports Center, and wants to call me when he hears a stupid joke.
It really isn't a lot to ask.
- Liz Lemon, 30 Rock
This is what I want. Someone who will love me even when I look like an Irish potato farmer after hot yoga. Who doesn't mind the fact that I want to wear sweats to the grocery store or expect me to look like a Victoria's Secret model when I go to bed and understands that just poking me in the back with his "thing" does not make me get all hot and bothered.
I want someone who thinks about me as much as I think about them. Loves my crooked teeth and white skin. Who I can call to say "I miss you" but not be obligated to spend every waking hour together. I want someone to snuggle, hug, kiss and do dirty things to when the mood strikes but doesn't need me to wash his clothes. Someone who likes to do yard work, can hold a conversation without having to check his phone or Sports Center, and wants to call me when he hears a stupid joke.
It really isn't a lot to ask.
I'm Back!
Ok, so again I conveniently forgot to cancel my Match.com membership. Auto-pay is a bitch in any industry apparently. That being said, I started scanning again, still uninterested in the prospect of any man but feeling like I should put myself out there just in case. But let's get real... This is never going to happen.
New guy winks at me, sends me an email asking if we should start right off with a 20 questions game. He's pretty funny so I bite. I mean, I'm not doing anything else right now and this might be a welcome distraction from doing other things like fixing my pool, doing yard work or cleaning the house. The email-palooza begins! I shoot him 5 questions, he comes back with answers and questions, I respond with answers to my own questions, his questions, more questions! It is highly entertaining! I am laughing! What the hell is going on here?
It seems like eventually, but is really only after about two days, he sent me his phone number. Our emails turn to texts. He's funny, smart, quick witted, and best of all he thinks I am the same. After a particularly crappy day at work, the one where Work Guy's Girlfriend comes in to make a domestic appearance and I spill tea all over myself, I went home to drown my sorrows in beer. New Match Guy is texting me like crazy and after about 4 bottles I think "Why the hell doesn't he just call me?" So I call him.
He was laughing when he answered the phone, knowing full well I was having a beer night. We talked for two hours, me being hilariously witty (or at least thinking I am) and he egging me on. We have a very similar sense of humor, which is scary. He recently took in a cat his co-worker couldn't keep any more, didn't think I was strange for keeping a zoo. His dating history is like reading the cliff notes of mine: With one person for 5 years, living together, separating. Took time off, dated another for a few months. Didn't work. Dated another for almost a year, crazy.
All of our conversation was great, text and phone, that I was beginning to think there would be no way I could be attracted to this individual if I ever actually met him. We agreed to meet up for a couple drinks Saturday afternoon. He had plans to meet a friend downtown at 7pm, which gave us both an excuse to bow out at a reasonable hour. I was intrigued to see if this was fabricated or not.
We met at a bar around the corner from my place at 4pm, or in my case 4:12pm. I was glad I'd warned him I am habitually late to every function on earth. He found it hilarious that I was honest. Parked at a booth, I could better evaluate this potential suitor. Taller than me in my platforms, has all of his hair in a receding fashion most men in their mid-30's have without losing the thickness. Gap between his front bottom teeth that is slightly annoying. Eyes remind me of the Principal, round, smiling, crinkling up when he thinks he's been funny. Arms were toned but not obnoxiously. I found him quite attractive.
The world must be about to end because I find him attractive, fun, disarming, comfortable, and easy to talk to. Sitting there sipping my Stella, talking about how my dog once ate 5lbs of dog food and proceeded to shit and puke for 12 hours and he was still looking at me like I was fascinating. None of this is making any sense. He grabs my hand across the table from time to time just to touch me...
His friend bailed on their 7pm plans. I was dying to ask if there had really been any plans or if it was his escape hatch, but I kept my mouth shut and thought "I'll just ask him after we're dating for a while." What the WHAT? Where had this thought surfaced from? I barely know this dude!
Another crazy connection between us= he lives next door to the very condo I had lived in with the EX before moving to my house. He moved in a year after I left, knows all my old neighbors and haunts the same down-the-street bars I used to meet Ange, Kelly and Markie at. He smoked up until December when he took up running and quit cold turkey, but understands the fact that I can't quit until I decide to quit.
So that takes us out to a mostly deserted patio where I have a couple of cigarettes and we continue to jammer away at each other. I'm telling some story, this guy is looking at me really intently. He has the "I'm going to kiss you look" on his face and my mind hops into overdrive. With eyes darting back and forth, anywhere but forward, this is what shoots through my head while I'm telling him some pointless story about God knows what:
-Is he seriously going to kiss me?
-This is the middle of a first date/meet-up, is it acceptable to kiss on the first date without implying you're easy?
-What if he's a bad kisser?
-What if he kisses away the pound of make-up I applied and realizes I'm not attractive?
-Does his wanting to kiss me so early make him a lech?
-Do I want him to kiss me?
-Should I lean away and start into my new-found belief system that I need to take things slow?
-Should I judo chop him in the head?
-Should I tell him he's looking at me funny?
-Would telling him that he's looking at me funny just make him jump into action more quickly or would it turn him off the idea completely?
-Why had Insurance Guy said he wanted to kiss me but never looked at me with even a semblance of this expression after saying how interested he was?
-What am I doing here?
-I'm kind of hungry....
-Could we get food?
-Would suggesting food be too forward? I mean he is paying for the drinks and all...
But then he stood up to go to the bathroom, leaned over and kissed me. Right there. It wasn't tentative or demanding, just like a statement. Here, I want to kiss you and I am. To my utter astonishment, I kissed him back. It was more than nice.
For the next hour or so we continued to talk, hold hands (yes that still icks me out quite a bit), and kissing. It felt normal, like a routine I have enjoyed with this stranger for a long time. I declared it was 9pm and time to go so he walked me to my car, which I had unconsciously parked next to his. I would like to say we kissed, hugged and parted with a sigh, but alas.... I made out with him like a crazy hormonal teenager.
Up against the side of my car, bodies entwined, kissing fervently, nipping at necks, ears, arms. Laughing, joking. I realized this was the first time I was actually turned on to a person rather than the action since last having my heart plopped in a blender. It was dizziness coupled with warning. Stop here. You're getting very close to the New Year Resolution you made not to make any what the hell decisions.... This is a first date with an Internet dude. Keep. It. In. Your. Pants.
So, as we are intimately wrapped in each other's arms, probably to the horror of all bar patrons passing by, I tell him. I will not be jumping into bed with someone I am not emotionally intimate with first. He laughs, pulling my face up to look at him which horrifies me as I am fairly certain my makeup has dissolved. But he makes me meet his eye. He doesn't mind waiting a month or a year, as long as it isn't forever.
Damn men, they know how to work it. This made me just want him more. But I extricated myself from his grasp with more kisses, got into my car and headed home.
New guy winks at me, sends me an email asking if we should start right off with a 20 questions game. He's pretty funny so I bite. I mean, I'm not doing anything else right now and this might be a welcome distraction from doing other things like fixing my pool, doing yard work or cleaning the house. The email-palooza begins! I shoot him 5 questions, he comes back with answers and questions, I respond with answers to my own questions, his questions, more questions! It is highly entertaining! I am laughing! What the hell is going on here?
It seems like eventually, but is really only after about two days, he sent me his phone number. Our emails turn to texts. He's funny, smart, quick witted, and best of all he thinks I am the same. After a particularly crappy day at work, the one where Work Guy's Girlfriend comes in to make a domestic appearance and I spill tea all over myself, I went home to drown my sorrows in beer. New Match Guy is texting me like crazy and after about 4 bottles I think "Why the hell doesn't he just call me?" So I call him.
He was laughing when he answered the phone, knowing full well I was having a beer night. We talked for two hours, me being hilariously witty (or at least thinking I am) and he egging me on. We have a very similar sense of humor, which is scary. He recently took in a cat his co-worker couldn't keep any more, didn't think I was strange for keeping a zoo. His dating history is like reading the cliff notes of mine: With one person for 5 years, living together, separating. Took time off, dated another for a few months. Didn't work. Dated another for almost a year, crazy.
All of our conversation was great, text and phone, that I was beginning to think there would be no way I could be attracted to this individual if I ever actually met him. We agreed to meet up for a couple drinks Saturday afternoon. He had plans to meet a friend downtown at 7pm, which gave us both an excuse to bow out at a reasonable hour. I was intrigued to see if this was fabricated or not.
We met at a bar around the corner from my place at 4pm, or in my case 4:12pm. I was glad I'd warned him I am habitually late to every function on earth. He found it hilarious that I was honest. Parked at a booth, I could better evaluate this potential suitor. Taller than me in my platforms, has all of his hair in a receding fashion most men in their mid-30's have without losing the thickness. Gap between his front bottom teeth that is slightly annoying. Eyes remind me of the Principal, round, smiling, crinkling up when he thinks he's been funny. Arms were toned but not obnoxiously. I found him quite attractive.
The world must be about to end because I find him attractive, fun, disarming, comfortable, and easy to talk to. Sitting there sipping my Stella, talking about how my dog once ate 5lbs of dog food and proceeded to shit and puke for 12 hours and he was still looking at me like I was fascinating. None of this is making any sense. He grabs my hand across the table from time to time just to touch me...
His friend bailed on their 7pm plans. I was dying to ask if there had really been any plans or if it was his escape hatch, but I kept my mouth shut and thought "I'll just ask him after we're dating for a while." What the WHAT? Where had this thought surfaced from? I barely know this dude!
Another crazy connection between us= he lives next door to the very condo I had lived in with the EX before moving to my house. He moved in a year after I left, knows all my old neighbors and haunts the same down-the-street bars I used to meet Ange, Kelly and Markie at. He smoked up until December when he took up running and quit cold turkey, but understands the fact that I can't quit until I decide to quit.
So that takes us out to a mostly deserted patio where I have a couple of cigarettes and we continue to jammer away at each other. I'm telling some story, this guy is looking at me really intently. He has the "I'm going to kiss you look" on his face and my mind hops into overdrive. With eyes darting back and forth, anywhere but forward, this is what shoots through my head while I'm telling him some pointless story about God knows what:
-Is he seriously going to kiss me?
-This is the middle of a first date/meet-up, is it acceptable to kiss on the first date without implying you're easy?
-What if he's a bad kisser?
-What if he kisses away the pound of make-up I applied and realizes I'm not attractive?
-Does his wanting to kiss me so early make him a lech?
-Do I want him to kiss me?
-Should I lean away and start into my new-found belief system that I need to take things slow?
-Should I judo chop him in the head?
-Should I tell him he's looking at me funny?
-Would telling him that he's looking at me funny just make him jump into action more quickly or would it turn him off the idea completely?
-Why had Insurance Guy said he wanted to kiss me but never looked at me with even a semblance of this expression after saying how interested he was?
-What am I doing here?
-I'm kind of hungry....
-Could we get food?
-Would suggesting food be too forward? I mean he is paying for the drinks and all...
But then he stood up to go to the bathroom, leaned over and kissed me. Right there. It wasn't tentative or demanding, just like a statement. Here, I want to kiss you and I am. To my utter astonishment, I kissed him back. It was more than nice.
For the next hour or so we continued to talk, hold hands (yes that still icks me out quite a bit), and kissing. It felt normal, like a routine I have enjoyed with this stranger for a long time. I declared it was 9pm and time to go so he walked me to my car, which I had unconsciously parked next to his. I would like to say we kissed, hugged and parted with a sigh, but alas.... I made out with him like a crazy hormonal teenager.
Up against the side of my car, bodies entwined, kissing fervently, nipping at necks, ears, arms. Laughing, joking. I realized this was the first time I was actually turned on to a person rather than the action since last having my heart plopped in a blender. It was dizziness coupled with warning. Stop here. You're getting very close to the New Year Resolution you made not to make any what the hell decisions.... This is a first date with an Internet dude. Keep. It. In. Your. Pants.
So, as we are intimately wrapped in each other's arms, probably to the horror of all bar patrons passing by, I tell him. I will not be jumping into bed with someone I am not emotionally intimate with first. He laughs, pulling my face up to look at him which horrifies me as I am fairly certain my makeup has dissolved. But he makes me meet his eye. He doesn't mind waiting a month or a year, as long as it isn't forever.
Damn men, they know how to work it. This made me just want him more. But I extricated myself from his grasp with more kisses, got into my car and headed home.
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