The Boring Life

Ok, so it seems that romance novels and witty comedy movies have it all wrong.  Dating sucks.  It is a myriad of disappointments and confusion that do not ALWAYS have a happy ending.

I have been seeing Scotty for a few months now.  At first it was all making out.  Then the texts with "babe", "sweetie", and other such nonsense emerged.  It appeased my loneliness.  Made me get out of the house more.  Gain weight by eating out more often.  He is jokey and fun.  But my resolve to wait to have sex did not move.  I wanted to feel an emotional connection before pursuing the erotic.  And it was making my vagina sad.

Every time we would get together there would be intense kissing, which leads to groping which leads to me putting my foot down and drawing lines.  And while he said he respects me for it, he keeps pushing.  I became the police.  It made my vagina disappear.  My sexual hunger for him vanished and try as I might, I haven't been able to get it back.

After a very pleasant make out he slipped into "third base" and I lost control.  I said what the hell, but he backed off.  It happened again, then again, and I tried to talk about feelings.  "I like hanging out with you and seeing where this is going".  Ok, that translates to absolutely nothing.  The next time it happens and we very nearly have sex, he pulls back again.  No condom.  I try again with the "how do you feel about me, where is this going" and got the same answer as before at which point I lose all hope of ever getting laid again.

I had enough.  If Scotty was waiting to see where this is going he can stay on "first base" like a good little boy.  I was starting to feel idiotic with my attempts to keep it PG. 

In June I met his best friends, a couple.  I liked her, but the male half was a dick.  I cried quietly in the bathroom twice that night feeling like I didn't belong.

For the 4th of July I was lucky enough to have my sister and brother-in-law coming to town.  I planned a pool party with BBQ and invited my mom and her friend.  Start scene:  My sis and BIL meet Scotty, we cut veggies and wait for my lovely mother to show.  I warn my sis that I told mom to be there around two, which meant she would be there at two and we need to show some sign of work has been done otherwise she will bitch.  I have been cleaning frantically so she won't criticize my house.  Scotty keeps saying "Would she really make a big deal about that?"  Yes, that is what she does, how she works, what she lives for!  Doesn't he have a mother?

As we chop, the clock on the stove turns to 2pm and the doorbell rings.  Meghan laughs, Scotty's eyebrows hit the roof.  In enters my lovely mother with two bags full of her cats.  We put them down and the newest one, Emma is screaming like a banshee.  I put her in the kitchen where she continues to yowl.  My mom is yelling and talking and walks straight into the kitchen where Scotty is still chopping and screams "Shut the hell up!" to Emma. 

"Mom, I'd like you to meet Scotty."  She turns white.

The rest of the day went ok.  It rained, so there was no swimming.  I kept trying to get Scotty's tongue out of my ear, which was no longer turning me on but irritating me to the point I considered "accidentally" stabbing him with a fork.  I mean, he isn't my boyfriend and even if he was I don't think my family wants to see him trying to impale my ear.

After he left, Meghan inquired about the situation.  My response: We are dating and having fun.  We'll see where it goes.  And said no more.  Which isn't me.  This isn't me.  I'm not really me anymore.

The rest of the week was great, I got to yoga with Jeff and Meggie, make dinner, talk, swim.  Meghan surprised me by painting my bedroom.  Mom came back and I did not kill her (it was a close call though.)  I was so sad after they left.  Walking out of yoga I tried to talk to my instructor and was left feeling like I shouldn't have.  I walked to my car in tears, wondering when I became so inept at social interaction.

My loneliness had not been abated, it had been distracted.  Now it was back in full force.  Slamming into me with a dark cloud of depression.

I continued to see Scotty, but I was aloof.  His joking manner became less banter and more of a recap of every ridiculous thing I have ever done in his presence or disclosed.  If we brought up dinner, he would tease me about how I caught the crock pot on fire when I made eggplant pasta.  If I tripped over something, it was tease-fest about how I am constantly clumsy.  If I told him not to stick his tongue in my ear, he did it more and laughed.  If I was hungry he made fun of my love for pizza, why wasn't I eating pizza, was I going to get pizza?  It was as if he prerecorded sound bites of a select things for him to remember about me and used them over and over in an arsenal of what was becoming patronizing jokes. 

One night he asks if I will go with him to buy an IPhone then to dinner.  I recommend Espo's, great Mexican.  He counters with another place.  Sigh.  Whatever.  I don't really care.  I thought he understood my punctuality, or lack there of.   No, Scotty wants me to be ready AT 7pm, even though I don't get home until 6:30 and have to feed the animals who have been cooped up all day and take a shower.  I leave out the shower.  He could have gone and gotten his phone without me while I was still at work.  After and hour and a half at Sprint, Espo's is closing and we go to Chili's instead.  He mocks me for putting his phone bags under the seat.  It finally irritates me. 

"Fine.  If you want someone to break into your car I will set them back out in the open again.  I was only trying to help."  He is making me feel stupid every time I open my mouth.

Then it was a debate.  Whatever I would try to discuss he would turn around.  He called me a know it all when I would try to have intelligent conversation.  Finally, we achieved the correction stage.  We had planned to go to Whole Foods for dinner and a beer followed by some organic shopping.  The day we had agreed to go he texts me and asks me what I want to do for date night.  Ummm, I thought we were doing the before mentioned?  Every time we made plans he questioned them, making me question whether or not he wanted to do something different.  It was exhausting!  Well, he wanted to know if I was sure.  Yes, I was sure.  And blah, blah, blah.

I really just wanted to stay home at this point.

So, Scotty picks me up.  On the way to the store I strike up conversation about how I have been to Whole Foods a couple times for happy hour.

 "A couple?  How many is a couple?"  I know where this is going and internally roll my eyes.

"Four, maybe five times."  He starts laughing and pats my knees.  Thank God there are no sharp objects.

"That is more than a couple, babe"  He really thinks this is funny.

"Sorry.  I have been there a few times then."  He continues to laugh and tell me it's ok.

As we walk into the bustling store he continues to correct me and I call him out on it.  We look at all the food, and of course he makes a point to say how I will get pizza.  I don't.  He decides he doesn't want beer and we can just sit someplace else.  I gawk at him.  I wanted a beer.  They have cool beer here. But I grab a soda and can barely look at him while we eat. 

The grocery shopping was just as painful.  He grabbed a cart and told me to share when I attempted to pick up a basket.  Meanwhile, he and the cart took off wherever he wanted to go while I read up on stuff before grabbing it and I was left carrying a bunch of vegetables in my arms and missing the stuff I had wanted to buy because he wanted to move more quickly.

On the short drive home he corrected me again about something and I lost it.  I told him how it made me feel, and when he started to angry I thought "Yes!" this is my moment to end this, whatever it is.  But he quickly regained his composure and said he didn't want to have that type of relationship with me.  This isn't a relationship. This is dating.

And so it began.  My downward spiral into feeling nothing.  We hang out and I can't wait for it to be over.  He is nice enough, but there is nothing there.  I am beginning to think there never will be anything ever with anyone.  There may never be a happily ever after.

This leads me to my current situation.  Scotty and I have been weekend hiking up in Sedona and Payson, but each time I thought I could have done it on my own.  Even craved it.  I need to break things off, but how do you break up with someone when you're not even officially going out?

Today he texted me that he wants me to go with him to meet his family in the end of September.  I have yet to respond.  I can't do this anymore!