Breaking up with the Principal

Following my birthday trip, so disconnected and getting further apart, I knew something needed to change. The Principal stayed in NM the next weekend and we texted intermittenly. It seemed like I was treading water with this guy. No I miss you's or I love you's. Just "I'm painting the kitchen."

A few times I asked what his plans were for Christmas. Of course he would spend it with me and mine. I wasn't sure we ever discussed it, he just made the decision because after buying a house he really didn't have the money to fly back home.

How sweet. It was a monetary decision. Yes, I've become bitter.

2 weeks to Christms he returns. Despite the number of times I have told him about my company Holiday Party, he says he will drive to AZ for the wekend (like he's doing me a favor) because he has to do some Christmas shopping anyway. Like he has no other reason to come here. I mention the party and all I get is "Oh yeah, and that too." Maybe he's being funny. So why don't I think it's funny?

He gets into town, I was dreading it. Would he make an effort? Would I? What is going on here? Should I tell him this whole relationship is making me unhappy? That I want out two weeks before Christmas?

Instead he said something that irritated me and I started in on how we don't communicate enough. He never calls, hardly texts and then only in response to mine for a short time. We fought until I could no longer look at him without saying we should end this. I craved freedom from the oppression his dirty looks were causing.

Needles to say, as I wrote before, we did not break up. In the end, I thought things might work out. If I tried harder.

Christ mas was fine. Walking down the street on Christmas Eve should have been romantic. He attempted The Principal version of romance where he talked about helping me sell my house so I could move to NM with him. He has money stashed away, freaking Republican. That money could have bought me a birthday present or a card at the very least. I ddin't take his offer seriously. I made myself clear: The only way I would move to NM with him was if we were married. Unclear add on: I am not ready to marry the Principal with our current deficiancies.

But the holiday was ok. We hung out, opened presents. He played zombie killimg video games with my brother-in-law. He even got me a Wii, on sale of course. I went to clean, and he went shopping with my family.

When he left, I felt like it would be all too soon until he returned for New Year's and my back would start to ache at the effort of being normal when I really needed so much more. This relationship was heading somewhere, I could feel it. I just wasn't sure if I could live my life with a man who didn't need to share any closeness with me.

He returned 2.5 days later. When I got home from work, there he was. Lounging comfortably on the couch. He didn't even get up to hug me. My stomach was in knots. He cuddled with me a few moments before I escaped. He made no attempts to make out with me. No attempt to kiss me. No attempt for anything more. We went to pick up a pizza. H edropped me off in front of the store so I could go in and get it.

New Year's Eve. I decided to get my hair cut and he decided to go get his done too. In the car I said three sentences about what I might do to my hair. He went off on some other tangent about something completely unrelated. I glared hard at him. Have I just become uninteresting or has he decided that whatever comes out of my mouth is just not worth merritting. He shut up. Mission accomplished.

We lunched with my mom. I worried about her spending the evening on her own. I paid. He offered to after I was already slipping my card into the leather folder.

On a trip toward domestic bliss we went to the grocery store. Apparently we were going to bring in the New Year crockpotting soup. I paid for the groceries. he paid separately for the beer.

At home, he cooked, I drank. At some point I lay down to nap wishing it wasn't New Year's Eve and I could just stay nestled in the warm caccoon of my bed. He woke me up.

We sat out in the cold by the firepit drinking beer most of the night. I read for a little while, talked to my sis on the phone, then my mom. He watched a movie. I beat him at Wii bowling. The all dropped. We kissed for less than 30 seconds. I called my sis again, talked for a while, then I went to bed. The Principal came in after I fell asleep an hour later.

New Year's Day. I woke up. The knot was worse. I kept thinking, you just have to say it. You just have to say it is over. It isn't working. You want out. Say it. Say it. Say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it say it.......

So I sat down at the kitchen table while he tapped at the computer.

"We need to talk." I said it.

"Ok just let me finish this and you can lay the bad news on me." after he was done he looked me in the eye. "What's up."

"This isn't working."

"Why." There was an edge. Not so much a question as a demand for proof. I spelled it out. He took it. He wanted to know why I didn't want to work out our deficiancies.

"I've grown cold, numb. I don't have any feelings anymore."

The Principal was not mean. Or angry. He packed his things and left. I watched him get in his car, rake his hands through his hair. I started to cry. He came back, grabbed me with actual emotion brimming in his eyes and said:

"I don't agree with this decision." And he kissed me. Then he turned to leave and I let him go.