After-Break-up Dinner with The Principal

After more communication than we'd had during our entire relationship The Principal asked me on a date. Dinner. To prove to me that we are perfect for each other and he can change.

I stared at my evil little cell phone and chewed my nails.

All of my feelings for The Principal have vanished. It makes me think, do we develop these feelings based on the promise of what will come and when reality falls short they just go up in smoke? I still think he is a good guy, but if he loved me, desired me and was excited by me I believe our relationship would have been very different.

Another thought: Was he expecting to drive all the way from NM to have dinner with me and stay the night at my house? That would be unacceptable. I can't see us working things out or him changing...

So.... I texted back asking if he was just driving in to town to have dinner and then driving back. Direct and evasive. I hope he got the point. True to his form, the Principal alleviated my fears by telling me not to worry about it. Right. Lovely. Changing already I see.

The other hard part was the fact that I have been seeing Work Guy. I didn't want to say "Yeah, we've been broken up 2 weeks and I'm dating again..." What is wrong with me?

To make matters worse, Work Guy was all over me to spend time with him. I tried explaining that I want to take things slow, just ending a 1 year relationship. He got all bent out of shape because I was doing Bikram yoga and having dinner with my ex in lieu of spending time with him. I wanted to tear my hair out.

The evening before the Principal was coming in to town his communication dropped off. He probably didn't want to waste any words, or was reverting back to the old "Well, I'll just be seeing her tomorrow" routine. I texted him that I thought dinner was a bad idea and was filling me with anxiety. I'm trying to get better at saying what I really mean. He came back with equivalent of "it will be all right when I see you tomorrow." There was no stopping this. I am being forced to endure more torture because I am a bad person for dating again too soon.

Of course Work Guy had to text me before dinner to let me know I was missing out on his friends' couple night where he would be the 7th wheel. Argh.

The Principal showed up a little after seven with a dozen purple roses, because they were purple (not because he knows purple roses are one of my favorites) and a box of Christmas gifts from his parents. Oh the guilt!

To make matters worse, he was wearing a white button down shirt and a sport coat with shiny shoes. I was in a sweater and Uggs. I mean, it's cold outside and I wanted to be as comfortable as possible while he inflicted his torture.

Angus was excited to see me and Cutter. They went out in the yard to play for a bit while we made chit chat. Is this how divorced parents sharing custody feel? Ick. Another reason not to get married.

We drove to the restaurant in perpetual chatter. The Principal was making a point to to ask about every single detail about my life. He'd even researched Bikram so he could seem interested and made a point to say how he should try it out with me. By the time we were seated at a cute little table on a patio with heaters I thought my back would break. We "shared" a meal, which I thought was cheap of him, but turned out to be the perfect portion. Still, I wanted my own damn meal.

There was talk of what would change, how he loved me and wanted nothing more than to make things work. I couldn't see things working... Then we walked down to Tempe Town Lake. People were strolling arm in arm romantically. The Principal was giving me the eyes. I ended up wearing his jacket and taking his arm because, again, it is damn cold outside for AZ.

By the lake we sat and talked more. I explained how low my self-esteem had gotten being in a relationship with him. Begging for affection, being brushed off. The lack of interest and communication. Feeling alone. The lack of physical intimacy. At length, he explained why it was so hard for him to show me. I listened by my mind was caught on the irony of the place where we sat. Almost ten years ago I sat there with the EX at the beginning of our relationship listening to him about how great things would be for us. And here I was ending another relationship was that was doomed to be a repeat. It took me ten years to come full circle.

I said no. It is over and will not change by getting back together. My feelings and hope are gone. I'm sorry.

We walked back to the car apart and quiet. The ride home, he apologized for the silence. I said I understood. The dogs played again, ran around. He was reluctant to leave without one more stand. Wrapping me up in his arms he begged. Please give him the chance, he would do anything, work harder because he had never felt this way about anyone in his entire life. My heart ripped a little. I have already started seeing someone, otherwise I probably would have caved. I said no. It is over and won't work.

The Principal got down on his knee. My heart stopped. He was not going to propose. Please God, if you have any mercy at all he will not propose. He didn't. He pleaded.

When he got in his car, he dropped his head into his hands and cried. I am the coldest person alive.