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We talk ALL the time. About whatever. I feel like I'm in high school, but for the first it is a good feeling. Not the normal, Oh, God! That boy is soooo cute, I wonder if he'll call me.. type of way. Just the exciting, everything is new type of way. Every day at work he tells me how cute I look, or that he likes my outfit, or how pretty my hair is. I can't help but wonder what this guy's deal is.
After breaking up with the Principal, Work Guy thought he had the green light to date me whenever he wanted. He started showing up at my house and asking me out constantly. I need space! Who would have thought after complaining about being alone for the past 4 months of my relationship with the Principal, this overzealous attempt to win my affection would seem overbearing? I am a loner...
One night after work I explained to Work Guy that I wanted to go home, read a romance novel and go to bed. He didn't see why that meant we couldn't see each other. I arrived home and there he was. Waiting. He walked up to me while I glared mercilessly. Bribery. He brought me a 12 pack, a romance novel, cigarettes in a gift bag. I glared more. "Fine. I guess you bought your way in."
He followed me into the house and began making out with me. After a while I explained how manipulative his approach was. I just ended a 1 year relationship, one that I had hoped beyond hope would lead to marriage and all that junk, and I needed to evaluate where I'm going in life. He gave me those doe eyes, like a little beaten puppy when I sent him on his way. I had to institute some boundaries...
So the next day, as planned, we went to Lolo's Chicken and Waffles. My God! Chicken and Waffles in Phoenix! I had begun to believe the only place close to me to get yummy, greasy chicken and waffles was Roscoe's in LA. Anyway, Work Guy picked me up and we drove downtown where I proceeded to gorge myself. He laughed at my joy, but honestly it is the best freaking meal ever. We discussed favorite foods, that are really bad for you and after leaving Lolo's visited Carolina's Mexican food down the street. It was a hole in the wall where they make their own tortillas every day and I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Work Guy bought me a dozen fresh tortillas and we headed home. In the car, I fell asleep on his shoulder to the aroma of warm flour tortillas.
When we arrived at my house he offered to come in and rub my full belly (which is apparently what his friend's wife does after a Lolo's outing) but I declined. I was full, happy and ready to be alone. Chicken and waffles requires a serious nap and this guy was probably going to try to stick his tongue in my mouth. No thanks.
The next few weeks followed the same pattern. He asked me out, I had to turn him down 50% of the time just to feel normal. The whole experience was forcing me to re-evaluate what the hell I want out of a relationship.
Too much space=unhappiness. Too much attention=anxiety attacks. I can be so open about things but then I crave my privacy. All this self analysis has made me believe I will just never get married because I don't know what I really want.
Except I do know that I want more chicken and waffles...
Monday, February 28, 2011
Valentine's Day Flowers
The Saturday before Valentine's Day my doorbell rang. Since I do not have a peephole and was not expecting anyone, I crawled on the floor in the guest bedroom and peered out the blinds. Florist...
I ran to answer the door and retrieve my gift, a tiny vase with a handful of red carnations and 2 roses. Who the hell would send me this? The card was no help, simply said "Happy Valentines Day". Much like Sherlock, I called the florist and was told they would call me back with a name. 8 hours later I called them again. They needed to get clearance from the sender.
I figured it was my mother or sister who would send such a little arrangement to make me feel better. Nope. Not Work Guy either... So I texted the Principal. Yup, problem solved. Except... I was struck by what a poor attempt he made to win me over with such a palrty bouquet. Could he really be that cheap?
I felt petty for wondering this, but my lovely mother made it very clear that if a man is trying to win you over he should pull out all the stops.
Valentine's Day I wake up to a text from Work Guy to look by my front door. A dozen roses, a box of truffles and a sweet card explaining how much he cares about me. At work, a potted bouquet of tulips, chocolate covered strawberries and a funny card. After work he took me to a nice restaurant with candlelight and made me a romantic mixed cd to listen to on the way home. I was shocked and felt super special. The poor guy was sick and still went out of his way just to make the one over-commercialized romatc holiday of the year a treat for me.
The Principal texted me that he loved me and missed me very much. My response was "Happy Valentines Day."
I ran to answer the door and retrieve my gift, a tiny vase with a handful of red carnations and 2 roses. Who the hell would send me this? The card was no help, simply said "Happy Valentines Day". Much like Sherlock, I called the florist and was told they would call me back with a name. 8 hours later I called them again. They needed to get clearance from the sender.
I figured it was my mother or sister who would send such a little arrangement to make me feel better. Nope. Not Work Guy either... So I texted the Principal. Yup, problem solved. Except... I was struck by what a poor attempt he made to win me over with such a palrty bouquet. Could he really be that cheap?
I felt petty for wondering this, but my lovely mother made it very clear that if a man is trying to win you over he should pull out all the stops.
Valentine's Day I wake up to a text from Work Guy to look by my front door. A dozen roses, a box of truffles and a sweet card explaining how much he cares about me. At work, a potted bouquet of tulips, chocolate covered strawberries and a funny card. After work he took me to a nice restaurant with candlelight and made me a romantic mixed cd to listen to on the way home. I was shocked and felt super special. The poor guy was sick and still went out of his way just to make the one over-commercialized romatc holiday of the year a treat for me.
The Principal texted me that he loved me and missed me very much. My response was "Happy Valentines Day."
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Childhood Crush
Over the past decade since I left high school I have had a recurring dream about my childhood crush. Every time I have a dream, always different, I have an overwhelming urge to find him and see how he's doing.
We met in grade school. I would beat him up on the playground and he always came back for more. We walked in the same group of kids homeward bound each afternoon. His mom disliked me even as a child (might have something to do with my chasing after her cat... or perpetually clubbing her son over the head, both apparently bad things...)
In the second grade his best friend had a crush on my best friend so they tried to double date us on the walk home. Those were magical 15 minutes, let me tell you. They decided to give us both a peice of jewelry from their mother's collection. I gave mine back. In the third grade, I beat him up outside the title company because he called the crossing guard "Nacho". Turns out that was really his name but I still felt it was offensive therefore I should defend the old man's honor. My mom's boss caught me and found the scene hilarious. My lovely mother did not.
Fourth grade was when he started sending me love letters. I told him, in a very sophisticated voice, that I was not allowed to date until I turned sixteen and he should look me up then.
Fifth grade, my best friend and I decided we should kiss him in the tree house. He sat in betwen us and was made to close his eyes and wait. We giggled and pointing at one another to go first. She did. It was the first time my stomach sank over a boy. All I could think was that she got to kiss him first. I would never get that back. So I declined and clambered out of the tree house. We all went back to playing, jumping on the trampoline, racing in a flirtatious tag. On the otherside of the house he asked why I chickened out. I just shrugged. He told me I could still kiss him. So he closed his eyes again. I leaned forward and pecked him on the lips. Then ran away.
Sixth grade. The love letters advanced to poetry. He had beautiful penmanship. I felt so excited that this boy would create such amazing poetry just for me... Until I realized he was just copying it out of my favorite poetry book in the library. I'm still sad I didn't go klepto on that book. It was old and worn and huge. Smelled like books should smell. I miss it and if ever I find myself at that Elementary school again my sticky fingers will totally jack that volume... So watch out Evergreen librarian.
Junior High was a blur of crushes. New boys to beat up and learning the art of flirting that hadn't been introduced to me yet. There was still some romancing from my Crush but we were separated by new people and friends (and a growth spurt on my part that made me feellike he looked to be my younger brother..). One year, I convinced him to date my friend who was desperately in love with him. He was cold to her and broke her heart by dumping her. I was so angry for hurting my friend I stopped talking to him until Freshman year when we sat next to each other in English.
As Freshmans, we were all a little scared. But I was convinced I wouldn't talk to him at all. Ever. For being so mean to my dear friend. One Monday morning I realized I had forgotten my news clippings to discuss for class. I was sitting there, wringing my hands because this teacher was horrible if you forgot your work. He leaned over and handed me some extras he brought. I was touched. We started passing notes. Around Valentine's Day the school had a dance. Still not allowed to date, I was going to meet a guy there with a group of girls. My Crush passed me a note in English asking me. I felt that sinking feeling again. No, I had already agreed to go with the other boy.
The dance was awkward and interupted by my friend's parents dropping in to see if I'd heard from her. She had run away. My "date" didn't understand why I had to leave to go home to see if she would show up at my house....
On Valentine's Day, I was sitting in my closet reading a book (long story) and waiting for someone to call me. Anyone. I was in high school, you were only as important as how much you talked on the phone. Crush called and asked me to go outside. I was in a faded yellow pair of gym shorts and a cheer t-shirt, but outside I went. There he was, standing outside my gate with a big white teddy bear and fancy roses. Right behind him was his mean looking mom in her car. All I could do was shuffle back and forth, say thank you and go back in the house. It was so sweet. But weird with his mom staring at me like I might come after her cat again.
Nothing came from it. He still passed me notes. I still smiled at him shyly and threatened to beat him up.
Sophmore year. Like before, we had a few classes together. In the new school, recently built, there were more new people to meet. That was when I was introduced to the guy who would be my high school sweet heart. Two weeks before Homecoming, my Crush asked me to the dance right after I met the Sweetheart (who already had a date). He wasn't my boyfriend and all that so I said yes. The Crush, like always, was super romantic. Bought a red tie to match my dress, and a beautiful corsage even though most people didn't wear those to Homecoming. The whole night was overshadowed by the fact that Sweetheart was becoming my boyfriend and Crush knew it. We never talked about it again.
Junior year I broke up with Sweetheart just before prom. We still went together and were surprisingly the happiest couple. My crush on the Crush redeveloped. I handed him a note one day, even though he had a girlfriend, that said
"I know you have a girlfriend, so this will make no difference, but I still felt I had to tell you. I like you. I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable."
He read it. Looked up and asked who it was from. I stuttered that it was from me. He stared at me, then walked away. It was what I had been expecting.
A few weeks later, though, he was single and asked me out. We went to a restaurant in Phoenix and were extremely awkward around each other. The next day my mom woke me up by setting a rose in a vase with a teddy bear on my nightstand. The card read, "Thank you for going out with me last night". I smiled.
We went for walks in the evenings and ran through the sprinklers. One night it started raining and we jumped into an apartment pool. He carried me in the water and we kissed. He took me to a movie, then played "The way you look tonight" on his car radio in his driveway so we could dance. His mom interupted us with the excuse that it was late and I should go home. Crush walked me to my car and kissed me goodnight. Again with the mother from the front door calling out "Goodnight! Call us so we know you made it home ok." With sarcasm. I lived a few streets over. But I called anyway. Just to be sarcastic back.
He came over after my dad had his first surgery and we discovered the cancer. 3 months to live. My aunt had bought me beer, we talked trash about all of our family members then she "went to bed" when he came over. Crush cleaned up the house and laid me down on the couch. He would only kiss me once. He didn't want to take advantage. I chastised him for being such a goody-goody. Yes, I used those words. But he was, didn't drink or smoke or do drugs. All he did was get good grades and go to school.
The rest of the summer I didn't have much time for anyone. I drove my dad to treatments at 5:30am, returning home 12 hours later Monday through Friday and worked at Dairy Queen Saturday and Sunday. All summer. Right before the end of the summer, I had a quick reunion with the ex-Sweetheart. He was preparing to go to college. We met for lunch and of course I ran into the Crush and his mother. The look she gave me was scathing. The Crush had given me space for my dad, but I never felt like anything had developed between us. I did not get back with the Sweetheart. He moved to the big city to start college and I wanted him to enjoy that. Also, I did not want to get married right after high school and he would. In fact, he got married one week before I graduated.
The Crush changed. He started doing all the things I had chastised him about. He started hanging with the rich kids, drinking and smoking pot. He acted differently and I missed the sweet guy who used to send me notes. We graduated. He went to Tucson, I went to Phoenix.
A few months after moving he called me at my apartment asking me to come stay with him at his dorm. He sounded so strange and was implying more than a visit. This was not the boy I had been in love with over and over again since the age of 6. I told him no, and never heard from him again.
Then, one night when I was 23 I had a dream about him. I had only heard smidges of gossip about him, drugs and drinking. Now I had this intense urge to find him, see if he was ok. I looked on MySpace, nothing. So I tried Classmates.com. I even paid for a membership so I could contact him. It was lame. I wrote him an email:
"This will sound really weird but I had a dream about you and thought I should check in to see how you have been."
He replied and we began chatting again. He asked to take me to dinner sometime if I was "unattached". I told him I was and we tentatively set a date for the weekend before Valentines Day. My heart soared! What if, all along I was meant to be with this guy and had missed my chances only to reunite now! I was waiting to hear back as to when we would meet. Friday night, still no word but I wasn't worried. Then on the way home from rehearsal, my dad called. Odd, usually my mom called.
Apparently, that day an engagement announcement was in the paper and my Crush was getting married. Heart sank. And I was angry. Why would he make such a big deal about my being unattached for us to have dinner when he was freaking engaged?!? Here I was thinking I had a date but in reality it was just two old friends having dinner to catch up. Or did he want something else? One last chance to bang me before getting married?
I went home and looked up the engagement announcement and was disgusted. No email from the Crush. So I sent one congratulating him. Took a few days to get a response. He had wanted to tell me in person and still wanted to get dinner or lunch with me.
Not sure how to proceed, and wanting to seem worldly I accepted. He met me at my apartment and we went to Macayo's for lunch. He had filled out, no longer the string bean I remembered from high school, still handsome. We chatted about life and what we had been up to. I had 2 margaritas and got a little sloppy. Mistake. I admitted to thinking he had asked me out on a date and he apologized. The whole afternoon was nice and I gave him a long hug before he left. All in all, it worked out fine (even though he didn't sound too excited about getting married.)
After he left he sent me a text: "I was fine not hearing from you for years. Now it feels like my world won't be complete without you in it." I was drunk and found it sweet. But I never heard from him again. He was getting married after all.
This year, I had another dream. Just basic, looking through socks and worrying about money. He was there and helped me sort the socks, asking why I was upset. We walked around the house and talked about my worries. That's it. But the compulsion returned and I had to see how he was doing.
I looked on Facebook and myspace, even googled him. Nothing. As a last resort I checked my phone, and wonder of all wonders still had his number. I called, swearing he couldn't have the same number 6 years later. He answered..... I threw my phone in my purse, jostled it around and later sent him a text apologizing for purse dialing him. Never heard back.
My compulsion is relieved. I know he is ok, still out there somewhere doing his thing.
We met in grade school. I would beat him up on the playground and he always came back for more. We walked in the same group of kids homeward bound each afternoon. His mom disliked me even as a child (might have something to do with my chasing after her cat... or perpetually clubbing her son over the head, both apparently bad things...)
In the second grade his best friend had a crush on my best friend so they tried to double date us on the walk home. Those were magical 15 minutes, let me tell you. They decided to give us both a peice of jewelry from their mother's collection. I gave mine back. In the third grade, I beat him up outside the title company because he called the crossing guard "Nacho". Turns out that was really his name but I still felt it was offensive therefore I should defend the old man's honor. My mom's boss caught me and found the scene hilarious. My lovely mother did not.
Fourth grade was when he started sending me love letters. I told him, in a very sophisticated voice, that I was not allowed to date until I turned sixteen and he should look me up then.
Fifth grade, my best friend and I decided we should kiss him in the tree house. He sat in betwen us and was made to close his eyes and wait. We giggled and pointing at one another to go first. She did. It was the first time my stomach sank over a boy. All I could think was that she got to kiss him first. I would never get that back. So I declined and clambered out of the tree house. We all went back to playing, jumping on the trampoline, racing in a flirtatious tag. On the otherside of the house he asked why I chickened out. I just shrugged. He told me I could still kiss him. So he closed his eyes again. I leaned forward and pecked him on the lips. Then ran away.
Sixth grade. The love letters advanced to poetry. He had beautiful penmanship. I felt so excited that this boy would create such amazing poetry just for me... Until I realized he was just copying it out of my favorite poetry book in the library. I'm still sad I didn't go klepto on that book. It was old and worn and huge. Smelled like books should smell. I miss it and if ever I find myself at that Elementary school again my sticky fingers will totally jack that volume... So watch out Evergreen librarian.
Junior High was a blur of crushes. New boys to beat up and learning the art of flirting that hadn't been introduced to me yet. There was still some romancing from my Crush but we were separated by new people and friends (and a growth spurt on my part that made me feellike he looked to be my younger brother..). One year, I convinced him to date my friend who was desperately in love with him. He was cold to her and broke her heart by dumping her. I was so angry for hurting my friend I stopped talking to him until Freshman year when we sat next to each other in English.
As Freshmans, we were all a little scared. But I was convinced I wouldn't talk to him at all. Ever. For being so mean to my dear friend. One Monday morning I realized I had forgotten my news clippings to discuss for class. I was sitting there, wringing my hands because this teacher was horrible if you forgot your work. He leaned over and handed me some extras he brought. I was touched. We started passing notes. Around Valentine's Day the school had a dance. Still not allowed to date, I was going to meet a guy there with a group of girls. My Crush passed me a note in English asking me. I felt that sinking feeling again. No, I had already agreed to go with the other boy.
The dance was awkward and interupted by my friend's parents dropping in to see if I'd heard from her. She had run away. My "date" didn't understand why I had to leave to go home to see if she would show up at my house....
On Valentine's Day, I was sitting in my closet reading a book (long story) and waiting for someone to call me. Anyone. I was in high school, you were only as important as how much you talked on the phone. Crush called and asked me to go outside. I was in a faded yellow pair of gym shorts and a cheer t-shirt, but outside I went. There he was, standing outside my gate with a big white teddy bear and fancy roses. Right behind him was his mean looking mom in her car. All I could do was shuffle back and forth, say thank you and go back in the house. It was so sweet. But weird with his mom staring at me like I might come after her cat again.
Nothing came from it. He still passed me notes. I still smiled at him shyly and threatened to beat him up.
Sophmore year. Like before, we had a few classes together. In the new school, recently built, there were more new people to meet. That was when I was introduced to the guy who would be my high school sweet heart. Two weeks before Homecoming, my Crush asked me to the dance right after I met the Sweetheart (who already had a date). He wasn't my boyfriend and all that so I said yes. The Crush, like always, was super romantic. Bought a red tie to match my dress, and a beautiful corsage even though most people didn't wear those to Homecoming. The whole night was overshadowed by the fact that Sweetheart was becoming my boyfriend and Crush knew it. We never talked about it again.
Junior year I broke up with Sweetheart just before prom. We still went together and were surprisingly the happiest couple. My crush on the Crush redeveloped. I handed him a note one day, even though he had a girlfriend, that said
"I know you have a girlfriend, so this will make no difference, but I still felt I had to tell you. I like you. I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable."
He read it. Looked up and asked who it was from. I stuttered that it was from me. He stared at me, then walked away. It was what I had been expecting.
A few weeks later, though, he was single and asked me out. We went to a restaurant in Phoenix and were extremely awkward around each other. The next day my mom woke me up by setting a rose in a vase with a teddy bear on my nightstand. The card read, "Thank you for going out with me last night". I smiled.
We went for walks in the evenings and ran through the sprinklers. One night it started raining and we jumped into an apartment pool. He carried me in the water and we kissed. He took me to a movie, then played "The way you look tonight" on his car radio in his driveway so we could dance. His mom interupted us with the excuse that it was late and I should go home. Crush walked me to my car and kissed me goodnight. Again with the mother from the front door calling out "Goodnight! Call us so we know you made it home ok." With sarcasm. I lived a few streets over. But I called anyway. Just to be sarcastic back.
He came over after my dad had his first surgery and we discovered the cancer. 3 months to live. My aunt had bought me beer, we talked trash about all of our family members then she "went to bed" when he came over. Crush cleaned up the house and laid me down on the couch. He would only kiss me once. He didn't want to take advantage. I chastised him for being such a goody-goody. Yes, I used those words. But he was, didn't drink or smoke or do drugs. All he did was get good grades and go to school.
The rest of the summer I didn't have much time for anyone. I drove my dad to treatments at 5:30am, returning home 12 hours later Monday through Friday and worked at Dairy Queen Saturday and Sunday. All summer. Right before the end of the summer, I had a quick reunion with the ex-Sweetheart. He was preparing to go to college. We met for lunch and of course I ran into the Crush and his mother. The look she gave me was scathing. The Crush had given me space for my dad, but I never felt like anything had developed between us. I did not get back with the Sweetheart. He moved to the big city to start college and I wanted him to enjoy that. Also, I did not want to get married right after high school and he would. In fact, he got married one week before I graduated.
The Crush changed. He started doing all the things I had chastised him about. He started hanging with the rich kids, drinking and smoking pot. He acted differently and I missed the sweet guy who used to send me notes. We graduated. He went to Tucson, I went to Phoenix.
A few months after moving he called me at my apartment asking me to come stay with him at his dorm. He sounded so strange and was implying more than a visit. This was not the boy I had been in love with over and over again since the age of 6. I told him no, and never heard from him again.
Then, one night when I was 23 I had a dream about him. I had only heard smidges of gossip about him, drugs and drinking. Now I had this intense urge to find him, see if he was ok. I looked on MySpace, nothing. So I tried Classmates.com. I even paid for a membership so I could contact him. It was lame. I wrote him an email:
"This will sound really weird but I had a dream about you and thought I should check in to see how you have been."
He replied and we began chatting again. He asked to take me to dinner sometime if I was "unattached". I told him I was and we tentatively set a date for the weekend before Valentines Day. My heart soared! What if, all along I was meant to be with this guy and had missed my chances only to reunite now! I was waiting to hear back as to when we would meet. Friday night, still no word but I wasn't worried. Then on the way home from rehearsal, my dad called. Odd, usually my mom called.
Apparently, that day an engagement announcement was in the paper and my Crush was getting married. Heart sank. And I was angry. Why would he make such a big deal about my being unattached for us to have dinner when he was freaking engaged?!? Here I was thinking I had a date but in reality it was just two old friends having dinner to catch up. Or did he want something else? One last chance to bang me before getting married?
I went home and looked up the engagement announcement and was disgusted. No email from the Crush. So I sent one congratulating him. Took a few days to get a response. He had wanted to tell me in person and still wanted to get dinner or lunch with me.
Not sure how to proceed, and wanting to seem worldly I accepted. He met me at my apartment and we went to Macayo's for lunch. He had filled out, no longer the string bean I remembered from high school, still handsome. We chatted about life and what we had been up to. I had 2 margaritas and got a little sloppy. Mistake. I admitted to thinking he had asked me out on a date and he apologized. The whole afternoon was nice and I gave him a long hug before he left. All in all, it worked out fine (even though he didn't sound too excited about getting married.)
After he left he sent me a text: "I was fine not hearing from you for years. Now it feels like my world won't be complete without you in it." I was drunk and found it sweet. But I never heard from him again. He was getting married after all.
This year, I had another dream. Just basic, looking through socks and worrying about money. He was there and helped me sort the socks, asking why I was upset. We walked around the house and talked about my worries. That's it. But the compulsion returned and I had to see how he was doing.
I looked on Facebook and myspace, even googled him. Nothing. As a last resort I checked my phone, and wonder of all wonders still had his number. I called, swearing he couldn't have the same number 6 years later. He answered..... I threw my phone in my purse, jostled it around and later sent him a text apologizing for purse dialing him. Never heard back.
My compulsion is relieved. I know he is ok, still out there somewhere doing his thing.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
After-Break-up Dinner with The Principal
After more communication than we'd had during our entire relationship The Principal asked me on a date. Dinner. To prove to me that we are perfect for each other and he can change.
I stared at my evil little cell phone and chewed my nails.
All of my feelings for The Principal have vanished. It makes me think, do we develop these feelings based on the promise of what will come and when reality falls short they just go up in smoke? I still think he is a good guy, but if he loved me, desired me and was excited by me I believe our relationship would have been very different.
Another thought: Was he expecting to drive all the way from NM to have dinner with me and stay the night at my house? That would be unacceptable. I can't see us working things out or him changing...
So.... I texted back asking if he was just driving in to town to have dinner and then driving back. Direct and evasive. I hope he got the point. True to his form, the Principal alleviated my fears by telling me not to worry about it. Right. Lovely. Changing already I see.
The other hard part was the fact that I have been seeing Work Guy. I didn't want to say "Yeah, we've been broken up 2 weeks and I'm dating again..." What is wrong with me?
To make matters worse, Work Guy was all over me to spend time with him. I tried explaining that I want to take things slow, just ending a 1 year relationship. He got all bent out of shape because I was doing Bikram yoga and having dinner with my ex in lieu of spending time with him. I wanted to tear my hair out.
The evening before the Principal was coming in to town his communication dropped off. He probably didn't want to waste any words, or was reverting back to the old "Well, I'll just be seeing her tomorrow" routine. I texted him that I thought dinner was a bad idea and was filling me with anxiety. I'm trying to get better at saying what I really mean. He came back with equivalent of "it will be all right when I see you tomorrow." There was no stopping this. I am being forced to endure more torture because I am a bad person for dating again too soon.
Of course Work Guy had to text me before dinner to let me know I was missing out on his friends' couple night where he would be the 7th wheel. Argh.
The Principal showed up a little after seven with a dozen purple roses, because they were purple (not because he knows purple roses are one of my favorites) and a box of Christmas gifts from his parents. Oh the guilt!
To make matters worse, he was wearing a white button down shirt and a sport coat with shiny shoes. I was in a sweater and Uggs. I mean, it's cold outside and I wanted to be as comfortable as possible while he inflicted his torture.
Angus was excited to see me and Cutter. They went out in the yard to play for a bit while we made chit chat. Is this how divorced parents sharing custody feel? Ick. Another reason not to get married.
We drove to the restaurant in perpetual chatter. The Principal was making a point to to ask about every single detail about my life. He'd even researched Bikram so he could seem interested and made a point to say how he should try it out with me. By the time we were seated at a cute little table on a patio with heaters I thought my back would break. We "shared" a meal, which I thought was cheap of him, but turned out to be the perfect portion. Still, I wanted my own damn meal.
There was talk of what would change, how he loved me and wanted nothing more than to make things work. I couldn't see things working... Then we walked down to Tempe Town Lake. People were strolling arm in arm romantically. The Principal was giving me the eyes. I ended up wearing his jacket and taking his arm because, again, it is damn cold outside for AZ.
By the lake we sat and talked more. I explained how low my self-esteem had gotten being in a relationship with him. Begging for affection, being brushed off. The lack of interest and communication. Feeling alone. The lack of physical intimacy. At length, he explained why it was so hard for him to show me. I listened by my mind was caught on the irony of the place where we sat. Almost ten years ago I sat there with the EX at the beginning of our relationship listening to him about how great things would be for us. And here I was ending another relationship was that was doomed to be a repeat. It took me ten years to come full circle.
I said no. It is over and will not change by getting back together. My feelings and hope are gone. I'm sorry.
We walked back to the car apart and quiet. The ride home, he apologized for the silence. I said I understood. The dogs played again, ran around. He was reluctant to leave without one more stand. Wrapping me up in his arms he begged. Please give him the chance, he would do anything, work harder because he had never felt this way about anyone in his entire life. My heart ripped a little. I have already started seeing someone, otherwise I probably would have caved. I said no. It is over and won't work.
The Principal got down on his knee. My heart stopped. He was not going to propose. Please God, if you have any mercy at all he will not propose. He didn't. He pleaded.
When he got in his car, he dropped his head into his hands and cried. I am the coldest person alive.
I stared at my evil little cell phone and chewed my nails.
All of my feelings for The Principal have vanished. It makes me think, do we develop these feelings based on the promise of what will come and when reality falls short they just go up in smoke? I still think he is a good guy, but if he loved me, desired me and was excited by me I believe our relationship would have been very different.
Another thought: Was he expecting to drive all the way from NM to have dinner with me and stay the night at my house? That would be unacceptable. I can't see us working things out or him changing...
So.... I texted back asking if he was just driving in to town to have dinner and then driving back. Direct and evasive. I hope he got the point. True to his form, the Principal alleviated my fears by telling me not to worry about it. Right. Lovely. Changing already I see.
The other hard part was the fact that I have been seeing Work Guy. I didn't want to say "Yeah, we've been broken up 2 weeks and I'm dating again..." What is wrong with me?
To make matters worse, Work Guy was all over me to spend time with him. I tried explaining that I want to take things slow, just ending a 1 year relationship. He got all bent out of shape because I was doing Bikram yoga and having dinner with my ex in lieu of spending time with him. I wanted to tear my hair out.
The evening before the Principal was coming in to town his communication dropped off. He probably didn't want to waste any words, or was reverting back to the old "Well, I'll just be seeing her tomorrow" routine. I texted him that I thought dinner was a bad idea and was filling me with anxiety. I'm trying to get better at saying what I really mean. He came back with equivalent of "it will be all right when I see you tomorrow." There was no stopping this. I am being forced to endure more torture because I am a bad person for dating again too soon.
Of course Work Guy had to text me before dinner to let me know I was missing out on his friends' couple night where he would be the 7th wheel. Argh.
The Principal showed up a little after seven with a dozen purple roses, because they were purple (not because he knows purple roses are one of my favorites) and a box of Christmas gifts from his parents. Oh the guilt!
To make matters worse, he was wearing a white button down shirt and a sport coat with shiny shoes. I was in a sweater and Uggs. I mean, it's cold outside and I wanted to be as comfortable as possible while he inflicted his torture.
Angus was excited to see me and Cutter. They went out in the yard to play for a bit while we made chit chat. Is this how divorced parents sharing custody feel? Ick. Another reason not to get married.
We drove to the restaurant in perpetual chatter. The Principal was making a point to to ask about every single detail about my life. He'd even researched Bikram so he could seem interested and made a point to say how he should try it out with me. By the time we were seated at a cute little table on a patio with heaters I thought my back would break. We "shared" a meal, which I thought was cheap of him, but turned out to be the perfect portion. Still, I wanted my own damn meal.
There was talk of what would change, how he loved me and wanted nothing more than to make things work. I couldn't see things working... Then we walked down to Tempe Town Lake. People were strolling arm in arm romantically. The Principal was giving me the eyes. I ended up wearing his jacket and taking his arm because, again, it is damn cold outside for AZ.
By the lake we sat and talked more. I explained how low my self-esteem had gotten being in a relationship with him. Begging for affection, being brushed off. The lack of interest and communication. Feeling alone. The lack of physical intimacy. At length, he explained why it was so hard for him to show me. I listened by my mind was caught on the irony of the place where we sat. Almost ten years ago I sat there with the EX at the beginning of our relationship listening to him about how great things would be for us. And here I was ending another relationship was that was doomed to be a repeat. It took me ten years to come full circle.
I said no. It is over and will not change by getting back together. My feelings and hope are gone. I'm sorry.
We walked back to the car apart and quiet. The ride home, he apologized for the silence. I said I understood. The dogs played again, ran around. He was reluctant to leave without one more stand. Wrapping me up in his arms he begged. Please give him the chance, he would do anything, work harder because he had never felt this way about anyone in his entire life. My heart ripped a little. I have already started seeing someone, otherwise I probably would have caved. I said no. It is over and won't work.
The Principal got down on his knee. My heart stopped. He was not going to propose. Please God, if you have any mercy at all he will not propose. He didn't. He pleaded.
When he got in his car, he dropped his head into his hands and cried. I am the coldest person alive.
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