Childhood Crush

Over the past decade since I left high school I have had a recurring dream about my childhood crush. Every time I have a dream, always different, I have an overwhelming urge to find him and see how he's doing.



We met in grade school. I would beat him up on the playground and he always came back for more. We walked in the same group of kids homeward bound each afternoon. His mom disliked me even as a child (might have something to do with my chasing after her cat... or perpetually clubbing her son over the head, both apparently bad things...)



In the second grade his best friend had a crush on my best friend so they tried to double date us on the walk home. Those were magical 15 minutes, let me tell you. They decided to give us both a peice of jewelry from their mother's collection. I gave mine back. In the third grade, I beat him up outside the title company because he called the crossing guard "Nacho". Turns out that was really his name but I still felt it was offensive therefore I should defend the old man's honor. My mom's boss caught me and found the scene hilarious. My lovely mother did not.



Fourth grade was when he started sending me love letters. I told him, in a very sophisticated voice, that I was not allowed to date until I turned sixteen and he should look me up then.



Fifth grade, my best friend and I decided we should kiss him in the tree house. He sat in betwen us and was made to close his eyes and wait. We giggled and pointing at one another to go first. She did. It was the first time my stomach sank over a boy. All I could think was that she got to kiss him first. I would never get that back. So I declined and clambered out of the tree house. We all went back to playing, jumping on the trampoline, racing in a flirtatious tag. On the otherside of the house he asked why I chickened out. I just shrugged. He told me I could still kiss him. So he closed his eyes again. I leaned forward and pecked him on the lips. Then ran away.



Sixth grade. The love letters advanced to poetry. He had beautiful penmanship. I felt so excited that this boy would create such amazing poetry just for me... Until I realized he was just copying it out of my favorite poetry book in the library. I'm still sad I didn't go klepto on that book. It was old and worn and huge. Smelled like books should smell. I miss it and if ever I find myself at that Elementary school again my sticky fingers will totally jack that volume... So watch out Evergreen librarian.



Junior High was a blur of crushes. New boys to beat up and learning the art of flirting that hadn't been introduced to me yet. There was still some romancing from my Crush but we were separated by new people and friends (and a growth spurt on my part that made me feellike he looked to be my younger brother..). One year, I convinced him to date my friend who was desperately in love with him. He was cold to her and broke her heart by dumping her. I was so angry for hurting my friend I stopped talking to him until Freshman year when we sat next to each other in English.



As Freshmans, we were all a little scared. But I was convinced I wouldn't talk to him at all. Ever. For being so mean to my dear friend. One Monday morning I realized I had forgotten my news clippings to discuss for class. I was sitting there, wringing my hands because this teacher was horrible if you forgot your work. He leaned over and handed me some extras he brought. I was touched. We started passing notes. Around Valentine's Day the school had a dance. Still not allowed to date, I was going to meet a guy there with a group of girls. My Crush passed me a note in English asking me. I felt that sinking feeling again. No, I had already agreed to go with the other boy.



The dance was awkward and interupted by my friend's parents dropping in to see if I'd heard from her. She had run away. My "date" didn't understand why I had to leave to go home to see if she would show up at my house....



On Valentine's Day, I was sitting in my closet reading a book (long story) and waiting for someone to call me. Anyone. I was in high school, you were only as important as how much you talked on the phone. Crush called and asked me to go outside. I was in a faded yellow pair of gym shorts and a cheer t-shirt, but outside I went. There he was, standing outside my gate with a big white teddy bear and fancy roses. Right behind him was his mean looking mom in her car. All I could do was shuffle back and forth, say thank you and go back in the house. It was so sweet. But weird with his mom staring at me like I might come after her cat again.



Nothing came from it. He still passed me notes. I still smiled at him shyly and threatened to beat him up.



Sophmore year. Like before, we had a few classes together. In the new school, recently built, there were more new people to meet. That was when I was introduced to the guy who would be my high school sweet heart. Two weeks before Homecoming, my Crush asked me to the dance right after I met the Sweetheart (who already had a date). He wasn't my boyfriend and all that so I said yes. The Crush, like always, was super romantic. Bought a red tie to match my dress, and a beautiful corsage even though most people didn't wear those to Homecoming. The whole night was overshadowed by the fact that Sweetheart was becoming my boyfriend and Crush knew it. We never talked about it again.



Junior year I broke up with Sweetheart just before prom. We still went together and were surprisingly the happiest couple. My crush on the Crush redeveloped. I handed him a note one day, even though he had a girlfriend, that said



"I know you have a girlfriend, so this will make no difference, but I still felt I had to tell you. I like you. I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable."



He read it. Looked up and asked who it was from. I stuttered that it was from me. He stared at me, then walked away. It was what I had been expecting.



A few weeks later, though, he was single and asked me out. We went to a restaurant in Phoenix and were extremely awkward around each other. The next day my mom woke me up by setting a rose in a vase with a teddy bear on my nightstand. The card read, "Thank you for going out with me last night". I smiled.



We went for walks in the evenings and ran through the sprinklers. One night it started raining and we jumped into an apartment pool. He carried me in the water and we kissed. He took me to a movie, then played "The way you look tonight" on his car radio in his driveway so we could dance. His mom interupted us with the excuse that it was late and I should go home. Crush walked me to my car and kissed me goodnight. Again with the mother from the front door calling out "Goodnight! Call us so we know you made it home ok." With sarcasm. I lived a few streets over. But I called anyway. Just to be sarcastic back.



He came over after my dad had his first surgery and we discovered the cancer. 3 months to live. My aunt had bought me beer, we talked trash about all of our family members then she "went to bed" when he came over. Crush cleaned up the house and laid me down on the couch. He would only kiss me once. He didn't want to take advantage. I chastised him for being such a goody-goody. Yes, I used those words. But he was, didn't drink or smoke or do drugs. All he did was get good grades and go to school.



The rest of the summer I didn't have much time for anyone. I drove my dad to treatments at 5:30am, returning home 12 hours later Monday through Friday and worked at Dairy Queen Saturday and Sunday. All summer. Right before the end of the summer, I had a quick reunion with the ex-Sweetheart. He was preparing to go to college. We met for lunch and of course I ran into the Crush and his mother. The look she gave me was scathing. The Crush had given me space for my dad, but I never felt like anything had developed between us. I did not get back with the Sweetheart. He moved to the big city to start college and I wanted him to enjoy that. Also, I did not want to get married right after high school and he would. In fact, he got married one week before I graduated.



The Crush changed. He started doing all the things I had chastised him about. He started hanging with the rich kids, drinking and smoking pot. He acted differently and I missed the sweet guy who used to send me notes. We graduated. He went to Tucson, I went to Phoenix.



A few months after moving he called me at my apartment asking me to come stay with him at his dorm. He sounded so strange and was implying more than a visit. This was not the boy I had been in love with over and over again since the age of 6. I told him no, and never heard from him again.



Then, one night when I was 23 I had a dream about him. I had only heard smidges of gossip about him, drugs and drinking. Now I had this intense urge to find him, see if he was ok. I looked on MySpace, nothing. So I tried Classmates.com. I even paid for a membership so I could contact him. It was lame. I wrote him an email:



"This will sound really weird but I had a dream about you and thought I should check in to see how you have been."



He replied and we began chatting again. He asked to take me to dinner sometime if I was "unattached". I told him I was and we tentatively set a date for the weekend before Valentines Day. My heart soared! What if, all along I was meant to be with this guy and had missed my chances only to reunite now! I was waiting to hear back as to when we would meet. Friday night, still no word but I wasn't worried. Then on the way home from rehearsal, my dad called. Odd, usually my mom called.



Apparently, that day an engagement announcement was in the paper and my Crush was getting married. Heart sank. And I was angry. Why would he make such a big deal about my being unattached for us to have dinner when he was freaking engaged?!? Here I was thinking I had a date but in reality it was just two old friends having dinner to catch up. Or did he want something else? One last chance to bang me before getting married?



I went home and looked up the engagement announcement and was disgusted. No email from the Crush. So I sent one congratulating him. Took a few days to get a response. He had wanted to tell me in person and still wanted to get dinner or lunch with me.

Not sure how to proceed, and wanting to seem worldly I accepted. He met me at my apartment and we went to Macayo's for lunch. He had filled out, no longer the string bean I remembered from high school, still handsome. We chatted about life and what we had been up to. I had 2 margaritas and got a little sloppy. Mistake. I admitted to thinking he had asked me out on a date and he apologized. The whole afternoon was nice and I gave him a long hug before he left. All in all, it worked out fine (even though he didn't sound too excited about getting married.)

After he left he sent me a text: "I was fine not hearing from you for years. Now it feels like my world won't be complete without you in it." I was drunk and found it sweet. But I never heard from him again. He was getting married after all.

This year, I had another dream. Just basic, looking through socks and worrying about money. He was there and helped me sort the socks, asking why I was upset. We walked around the house and talked about my worries. That's it. But the compulsion returned and I had to see how he was doing.

I looked on Facebook and myspace, even googled him. Nothing. As a last resort I checked my phone, and wonder of all wonders still had his number. I called, swearing he couldn't have the same number 6 years later. He answered..... I threw my phone in my purse, jostled it around and later sent him a text apologizing for purse dialing him. Never heard back.

My compulsion is relieved. I know he is ok, still out there somewhere doing his thing.