Drivel

So, I have been compiling my bog entries and other crap I've worked on over the years and am trying to formulate a book. My only problem is, who would want to read such a boring thing? There is no happy ending, no point, just endless ramblings of my idiotic love life.

It made me want to think and write more. From a different perspective. Most of all, it made me realize how very much I am still in love with Work Guy. I realized that I allowed myself to start a relationship through the death of a relationship while never finding my footing. Work Guy was born in the last dying breath of the Principal, and even though I tried for space and time to heal I still went forward into a full blown saga with Work Guy. I can see now that my fight for control with Work Guy was over what I lost with the Principal, protecting myself.

What did I do to make myself feel better? I bought a romance novel about rekindling relationships even though I know Work Guy is irreparable. Now I have this irrational idea that I should tell him how much I still love him, seen the errors of my ways, and understand that he no longer loves me. I want to look him in his green eyes and with every part of me communicate just how much he has always meant to me, how I wish we would have met at a different time, started our relationship at a different moment.... I guess I just need him to know I love him.

But I will never do that. I have to work with this guy every day and can't stand the idea of him telling all our co-workers how I am infatuated by him. It would just make me look so sad.

If I was put in the right place or time I could say all of that to his face though, in my current frame of mind, I would. I could take the repeat performance of my heart breaking all over again just to let him know. Just to tell him all the things I kept inside because I was so freshly hurt and afraid of what would happen again. I made it happen again. I was responsible this time. I need to take ownership of that.