Meet the Parents

The Principal picked the parents up from the airport Thursday night. My foolish expectation had been that the Principal would come over to my house to stay the night Friday, we'd go to the graduation together, and afterward I would meet these people with whom he shares DNA and eat some pizza.

This had been the plan. This was what I had vaguely been told. Years of experience should have taught me to ask more questions and nail down a definate plan of action prior to any event with a man. They just don't think a plan of any sort is necessary. Idiots.

So, midddle of the day on Friday the Principal texts me asking if I can meet at his place by 6:30pm to go for pizza. This is not the plan. I know that was not ever the plan. I began to panic sitting at my desk. It was Friday and therefore ponytail day. No need to look nice or do my hair, right? Freaking men do not understand there are things that need to be put into motion for women to look their best when they meet parents for the first time. We need to feel like we look clean cut, elegant and polished.

What would his mother think if I showed up with a ponytail? That I was childish? Lack style? Would she gossip about me at the beauty salon with her friends saying "Oh God, she wore her hair in a ponytail? Has she no taste?" And they would shake their heads and talk badly about me the rest of the afternoon.

If I get off work at 5pm, rush home to take care of the animals and then fight traffic over to his place, I would have NO time to do anything to this grease trap sitting on top of my melon! Calmly, I texted the Principal: Few things I need to take care of before heading over but will be there by seven. No problem. I ran home, sternly told the cat he did not want to fuck with me right now and jumped in the shower.

I was on the road by 6:30 feeling good that I would make it to his place by 7pm. I looked nice, simple straight hair, fresh makeup. I was going for the "not trying hard" look. The only drawback is that they might think I don't care to try hard enough.... I thought I was going to faint as I drove down the 202.

This is too much pressure and way too damn awkward. I need more time to prepare my mind for this! I needed a fucking beer! The Principal had a couple beers before he had to meet my mother and that was in a busy crowded place where he had every opportunity to run away if things got weird.

When I knocked on the door the Principal answered before I was finished. Like he was waiting there for me. The guy has serious sensor alarms. I smiled tensely as he ushered me in. The Principal asked if I was nervous. I nodded. He laughed at me. I visualized tazing him in the groin.

This is it, I thought. You can run away now and perhaps these parent people will just think their son made the whole "girlfriend" story up. They'll go home and tell their friends their poor child is delusional. I'd be free to go home, put my clean hair in a nice new ponytail and finish my book over an ice cold beer. There will be no stress, other than the frantic texts from the Principal who desperately wants me to convince his parents that I'm not fictional. I could cackle at his futile attempts and refuse to respond to him.

Sigh. It would be utter bliss. But instead I walked through his place, was handed a beer and followed him to the outside patio to meet my fate.