Return to Me

On Thursday I strolled into work uncharacteristically happy. Normally, I roll out of bed tired, pissed off and late. I had stayed up waaaaay past bedtime talking on the phone with a friend, drinking beer-there was no sensible reason to feel this good. But I had jumped out of bed, thrown my hair up and gotten ready.

At the office I waited. The headache was supposed to come, the clammy hands, waiting for the thunder cloud that usually shows up between 7 and 8 a.m. But there I was, laughing with the guys I sit by. Sing-songing my way through the customers, training a newbie.

The guys all wanted to know what was up with me. I hadn't a clue. I was sleep deprived? It didn't even dampen my mood to see that thunder cloud standing up all day (which normally causes a hunching of the shoulders, leaning as far into my computer as I possible can, and trying to keep my insides from tearing their way out.) Nope, I was feeling fine. Smiling and laughing even.

It could be due to the fact that I was taking Friday off for the hell of it. Freedom was calling. I wouldn't have to see him for three whole blessed days!

When the newbie went to grab lunch my neighbor leaned over to ask if it bothered me to be stared at. He had noticed a couple weeks ago that Work Guy would stand up and look at me from time to time. I thought he'd stopped that. I'd told my neighbor that it made me want to stick my head in an oven.

"He's been doing it all day. Kind of glaring too. Have you guys been talking again?"

"No, I haven't so much as emailed him in two weeks."

"But he does it ALL the time. I guess I just thought maybe you guys had a fight or something."

"You are ruining my blissful day..." he looked appalled. The boys in my corner like the happy me. Doesn't everybody? "I think today is the first time I have felt good since it happened."

Then I told him how I got dumped. His mouth could have caught flies. He looked pissed and pitying. Not the best combo. That's when I deflated. My heart began to hurt again. I wanted to look at Work Guy but I made myself NEVER do that, not even a peek.

"So, if you see him looking over here, please don't tell me. Just waive at him or something. If he knows you see maybe he'll stop." He nodded vigorously.

I went back to work, but I was counting the minutes again until I could leave. My mind, which had been a happy bubble all day began to form a film. The same destructive thoughts reappeared. Why wasn't I good enough. Was he angry at me for being happy, was I supposed to suffer longer? Did he think I was flirting with these fun loving children? Was he talking about me badly? Did he miss me?....... Don't go there, don't go there.

The next two hours crapped by and I was a shell again. The tormenting agony was gone but I wasn't numb.
Maybe if I didn't have to see him 40 hours a week I could start to heal. I needed time to rebuild.. again. As I walked out with my head held high, I vowed I would do just that.