Rolling in the Deep

Some people have told me "Don't shit where you eat." I should have listened. Instead, I dated a guy from work. He chased me down, convinced me we could work despite all my protests. Told me he would do anything for me. Said he was saving money to buy me a ring.

And dumped me in a text message.

Best diet ever. I've already lost five pounds.

Four weeks have passed and I have to see him everyday at work. See his company wide emails. Walk past him on my way to the bathroom. It is a living hell.

Normally, when I have a break-up I look forward. I become numb and analyze all the reasons it didn't work. I don't get this bothered. On this relationship, all I have is sadness. I see the back of his head and want to touch him. I come home and think about how nice it would be to curl up in his arms and kiss him on the shoulder. Listless walking about the house ensues.

This week, he sends me a work email about how well I'm doing in sales. We email like we used to all day. That bitch spark of hope brings the sickness back to my heart and I am being ripped apart by the time I get home. So, I text him. Mistake. It just keeps happening.

This man-child never really loved me. He wanted to be in love. He wanted to win "the girl." He did, but then he was stuck with her. And I wasn't worth it anymore. What he wanted changed. And I am left cold.

So I am left to secretive glances in his direction at work every day. Sharp little knives digging into my chest. How did I get here? Why did I ever believe this person could have been sincere about anything?

I reach out to my sister. Tell her how heartbroken I am. "You just haven't met the right person yet". I try to get the funny out of the situation. "You're such a drama queen." Perhaps, no one can tell when I really am upset. Perhaps, I am speaking another language.

What I need to do is find another job. Never seeing him again, wanting him still, would be like a cool salve to my blistered life.