Another Run Down Memory Lane

Something about the change in weather always makes me nostalgic.  I have been dreaming about long lost relationships, my parent's house, trips from years ago.  Songs come on the radio and I am transported into that time, I can see and smell the memories.  I have always been this way, but this year it feels like an assault.

Friday night, my only remaining friend from high school was in town for her mom's 60th birthday.  Jane has always been my crazy friend but close, though even in high school we never got together very often.  Over the years it has been less and less, but we always seem to pick things back up where we left off in the short times we saw each other. I was at her first wedding 10 years ago and will be at her second one in January.  I love her like my crazy cousins.

Apparently, Jane has been feeling the nostalgia too.  After over a decade away from Arizona she is planning to uproot her life and head home.  I worry for her, AZ isn't as eclectic as she's grown accustomed to in San Diego.

In Casa Grande there is slim pickings when it comes to night life.  We chose a mostly deserted dive and ran into my old estranged DJ friend.  Flashback to weird high school through 20's memories:

At 16, the most popular place to work in town was Dairy Queen.  My sister worked there with all her friends so it seemed like a natural job for me.  You got to spend time with your buddies and go out to parties together.  It was a strange tribe.  More so, were the non-Dairy Queen regulars.  Friends who would stop in and mingle.  One day I was cleaning the counter when DJ walked in.  I had seen him at school, some of my friends had had a thing for him freshman year.  He had been untouchable with a steady girlfriend.  Long careless hair, penetrating blue eyes, grunge style clothes, notorious for parties.  I had never talked to him before, and here he was walking toward the counter.  He wanted a "blue thing".  (Blue Raspberry Mr. Misty, for the laymen)  He didn't get charged, the gang told me.

I started hanging out with the Dairy Queen group, and DJ.  When I was dating the guy who was my "first" I was invited to DJ's house only to find my boyfriend had taken off to a party.  My shoulders sagged, because I had lied to my parents to buy an extra two hours before having to get home and would now be early.  DJ insisted I stay, have a beer and proceeded to teach me how to flick bottle caps, a skill I used frequently for years.

DJ's little sister Cara was very serious until I got to know her.  She was a hard ass who thought I was too prim, until she got to know me.  We became really close and I would stay over at their house often, DJ taking us to parties and home.  One night after many beers, DJ and I were alone on the couch talking and he kissed me.  So sweetly.  Just kissed, and held each other until we fell asleep.  Cara found us the next day full of questions, but DJ became detached and told me he didn't want to date me.  I was too young.  A whole 18 months younger.  We tried to be friends, even got ice cream together a week later, but I was smitten and he didn't want that.  Yet every time we were out at parties he would watch and smile.

A couple months later at a desert party he saw me kiss a new guy I had been dating two days and chewed me out.  Oh high school!  How we can be so silly and immature.  DJ and I were at odds, Cara thought it was hilarious.  We saw each other through our social group but DJ kept his distance and I dated yet another asshole who would later cheat on me.  Then slam me between a door.  And threaten me, and slam me on the concrete.  DJ was the person I called.   When our friend and Cara's boyfriend overdosed, we leaned on each other to try to be there for her.

When I moved away DJ would come visit me.  It was always platonic, watch a movie or go out.  We became friends, best friends.  No matter where he was he would call to check in on me. At 19 I had my nervous breakdown, quit college, was working at a strip club waiting tables 6-7 nights a week, watched a friend die in a motorcycle accident... and DJ was right there.  A vacation was needed, so he drove me to Rocky Point.  The first night we sat on the beach drinking and talking, I cried about my life and he such a good friend listening.  He would even stand at the end of the bar while I got drinks so boys could flirt with me.

The next day at lunch, a group of Air Force Guys sat next to us and one asked me if I would like to try his Orgasm (shot).  DJ laughed as I downed the whole thing.  DJ played hackey sack with some of the guys on the beach while I flirted with what was to become Air Force Guy.  On the way back AFG mentioned how cool DJ was about sharing his girlfriend.  "He's not my boyfriend.  He's just my best friend."  Later that night DJ mingled and had fun while I made out with AFG, then carried my drunk ass back to the hotel.  We listened to Shaggy the whole trip.  When I went to NM to visit AFG months later, DJ was working 100 miles away but came to see us.  We did a swing dance at the military bar in front of everyone.

DJ would surface here and there for years.  Once in a blue moon he would kiss me simply, right before I wouldn't see him again for months, but we would go back to just being friends.  Once we made out like teenagers.

I was 23 when DJ's best friend died cleaning a gun.  This guy was like his brother.  He asked me to come to the funeral, and though DJ wanted me sitting upfront with him, I had only known his friend at a distance so I stood in the back.  I went with him to the after wake, held him when he finally cried in my car.  It was that night that we finally changed.  DJ wouldn't let me rest in the background while he partied with people who had been an every day part of his life with his newly lost brother.  He wouldn't let go of my hand.  Then he just held on to me, or hugged me, and finally was just wrapped around me while everything else went on.

I stayed the night in his bed.  He kissed me, wanted me, and oh just to make him feel better I wanted to give in to seven years of him never before wanting me this way...... But I knew it was grief.  I was his friend, and I would give him anything, but I wouldn't lose him over something so stupid.

We became inseparable.  Talking all the time, seeing each other all the time, until one night I had been out drinking early and was sobering up by 10pm.  Not exactly sober, but close enough (at that idiotic time of my life) to drive to Casa Grande and finally have sex with DJ.  I drove my roommate's car to the bar he worked at and the smile he gave when he saw me was like the sun coming out at night.  When we slept together, it was a perfect fit.  I was so happy to have my best friend.  To have all of him.  One night during, I was just so full I said it.  I said I loved him.  Which was so true.  There were so many different kinds of love and I felt he was family (checking in on my dad when I wasn't around because he liked my dad), friend (all the years and things we had gone through), and as a lover.  I think I scared the shit out of him.

Sometime later, at the bar where he worked DJ was so drunk one night.  I was in my dance clothes after teaching for three hours.  He started yelling at me that he loved me.  This wasn't right.  Where was my friend?  Where was the person who shielded me, took me from parties before a fight or cops happened, who lovingly kept his distance for seven years because it was never the right time for us?  A few days pass, DJ planned to come up to Tempe and I was making dinner.  I have since learned that if I try to cook and be domestic my relationships end shortly thereafter.  He never showed.  He never called.  He didn't answer his phone.  For TWO days.  I couldn't call Cara because she was in boot camp.  I didn't know how to get a hold of his mom.  So I waited.  And got pissed.

Sitting with my roommate, I decided to call the bar.  I asked if DJ was there and the bartender told me to hold on.  I threw the phone at my roommate.  She told DJ I had left some things at his place and she was coming to get them tomorrow night, then hung up.  We had been dating less than three months.  Seven years of friendship was fucked in less than a quarter of a year.  I went to get my stuff, and he had the puppy dog eyes.  Some shit had happened regarding his 2nd DUI, he was worried about driving to Tempe, had left his phone at his moms...  I told him to stop the excuses.  If he had wanted to see me, contact me, he would have come hell or high water.  I could have helped him.  He cried.  I told him he needed to start being a man.

We were never the same again.  I would see him around town, he would watch like all those years ago at parties. Then he stopped.  He had a girlfriend who didn't like the looks of me when I came to say hi.  He ignored me.  I would get a phone call once in awhile wanting to know how I have been.  I missed my friend...  He called when he heard my dad died, but didn't come to the funeral.

He has a daughter now with the girlfriend who didn't care for me, has been sober 5 years, and owns his own company which is doing really well.  I started ignoring his voice mails, twice a year, after yelling at him one night 4 years ago at a wedding that he couldn't be my friend anymore even though I missed him.  It was the most embarrassing night of my life for soooooo many reasons- the night of not being able to walk, talk or see, a WHOLE separate story. 

So, back to Friday night and seeing him again.  It was strange to see this person who will forever be a part of me, but I can no longer share any closeness.  Looking into his eyes, the kind that look like they know what you are thinking, I wanted to go back to high school and flick beer caps with him.  I gave him a hug, then went to get a drink with Jane and her fiance'.  We found a little table to sit at and not five minutes later

"Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby
Shorty, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Girl, you're my friend when I'm in need, lady

Life is one big party when you're still young
But who's gonna have your back when it's all done
It's all good when you're little, you have pure fun
Can't be a fool, son, what about the long run
Looking back Shorty always mention
Said me not giving her much attention
She was there through my incarceration
I want to show the nation my appreciation

Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby
Shorty, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Girl, you're my friend when I'm in need, lady

You're a queen and so you should be treated
Though you never get the lovin' that you needed
Could have left, but I called and you heeded
Begged and I pleaded, mission completed
Mama said that I and I dissed the program
Not the type to mess around with her emotion
But the feeling that I have for you is so strong
Been together so long and this could never be wrong

Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby
Shorty, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Girl, you're my friend when I'm in need, lady

Uh, uh
Girl, in spite of my behavior, said I'm your savior
(You must be sent from up above)
And you appear to me so tender, say girl I surrender
(Thanks for giving me your love)"

He remembered. 
Maybe one day we will get to be friends again.