The Mustache Man

OK, still here.  Still losing it.  Fast approaching 1 year anniversary of no sex.  Slightly dying inside.  It should shame me saying that a whole sex-free year is a record, but it doesn't.  I'm that sick.  Fast approaching zombie mode... must have sex... must have SEX...

I have spent more time talking to Kelly who came up with a business plan for us:

Kelly: We should open up a store and target women in their thirties.  Our campaign can be "Don't want to be a ho no mo?  Come to Vibrators 'R' Us, and get your groove on with yourself.  Satisfaction guaranteed and no risk of STD's!
We could be millionaires.  Let's just buy a bunch of vibrators and do it, screw corporate America. LOL

Me: OMG!  I am laughing so fucking hard right now!! We need a business plan!

Kelly: No we don't.  We need vibrators...  I thought of a new name "Good Vibrations"  Hahahahaha!

Me: We could sell them out of the back of my car in front of Weight Watchers and fro yo places!

It was the best text of my life! Just imagining Kelly scrunching up her nose cackling in her car between meetings.  Too perfect!  I had to share with the poor Mormon kid sitting next to me and Anastasia at work. 

Kelly recently got out of a relationship that she doesn't want me write about, but it really messed her up.  In an effort to hang out more we met at Nordstrom on Sunday to find her shoes.  Neither of us enjoy shopping.  After an hour in Nordstrom I realized why she didn't like it.  Hot Australian with perfect suit and dashing silver hair waited on us.  I talked to him like a co-commiserate, Kelly asked for MORE shoes. 

As we left, Kelly reserving a 24 hour hold on shoes she said she wouldn't buy, I told Aussie guy we'd be back in an hour. He crinkled when he smiled.  Kelly said he was flirting with me.  Uh-uh.

As we strolled in and out of a few shops where we didn't have the money to buy anything I stopped dead in the middle of the mall.  From within a new shop stood a man.  A tall man in a suit vest that matched his pants.  With a tie, and shirt sleeves rolled up.  He had dark hair combed back in a 1930's style.  So elegant.  Debonair, I dare say.  This man had a handle bar mustache and I wanted to jump his bones immediately.

Kelly paused with me and started to walk toward the store, as if I had seen something I wanted to buy.  Could I buy that?  I stopped her, whispering about the call of the hot guy with inexplicable mustache.  "The mustache guy?" she laughed incredulous at my reaction.  And normally I would have to agree, I find mustaches pretty creepy, but...

The Mustache Man and his cohort noticed us standing there staring and I had to make a decision.  Go in and make some inane inquiry about his wares or walk away.  I glanced up and looked at the sign.  It was a freakin' shave shop!  I have no men in my life, and you shouldn't really mention men if your life while attempting to pick up a mustached gentleman, so there was really no reason I should be entranced by that store unless I was a sex deprived 30 year old eejit.  I walked away. 

Kelly thought it was hilarious and many a "mustache ride" jokes followed.  But I had felt drawn to that classy looking man.  It made me want to put on my new boots and a dress and walk in there saying something like "Oh!  My brother in law would simply adore this for his birthday!" while pointing at something with my bare LEFT hand.  Instantly I remembered I need to stop biting my fingernails again.

When we walked past later after lunch on the way to reclaim Kelly's 24 hour hold shoes, I slowed my pace and checked out Mustache Man with a customer.  I asked Kelly if she thought the mustache was real.

"I don't know, but judging from the thick 5 o'clock shadow he has going on I'd say he has a big dong.  'Cause you know if it's thick there, it is everywhere!"  I laughed hysterically, she is getting too good with her naughty rhymes.

But I kept thinking about that Man....

I even mentioned, somewhat casually to my co-worker with goatee that he could maybe do some reconnaissance at the mall for me.... Anastasia tamped that one down.

So, the zombie is definitely out.  I just keep reciting to myself that "I don't wanna be a ho no mo..."