The Toy Theory

After 3+ months of being dumped, you’d think that I’d be over it. I would be looking forward to dating again, not at all concerned about the hairy bastard who dumped me. Especially when said hairy bastard feels the need to text me so I’m aware he’s moved on and will be bringing his new girl to the company holiday party. I shouldn’t have wanted to kick his ass, but I did.

I have realized lately that he is still all I think about. When it’s quiet in my house, when I drive past a place we used to go to, when I go to bed, when I wake up, even when I dream. It is like an ongoing conversation in my head that ranges from anger to wistfulness.

I feel like I have been asleep for a very long time, and finally woke up. A year ago I was in Disneyland, celebrating the last year of my twenties but it seems like a decade has passed. At the time I was in a relationship with someone who I loved. Someone who behaved as if I was inconsequential and I broke up with him little over a month later because I believed I would become so if I continued down that path.

There had been the silver lining of Work Guy, who behaved as if I was the light shining out of his darkness. The most blinding light he’d ever seen.

I struggled for months to see what he saw in me, only happy that I still had any pull to draw a man to his knees the way he had. That fairy tale longing that the right man would love me for me and crush me to him seemed to be happening… So I believed in magic. And like most kids, when you finally believe in fairies, you grow up. It all disintegrates. You see what the magic was shrouding and you become disenfranchised with the whole thing.

I have sat heartbroken and cast off for three months. Now, on the eve of my 30th birthday I see the true light. The blinding anticipation of his true love was to make me feel something he wanted. To win. Like a toy cast aside I was no longer interesting. Needed maintenance. Needed work. He won me. I loved him. But the game was over and he needed to move up and out. Any residual feelings I may have only strengthened his victory.

Somehow, knowing that our relationship and epic love was never really heading to forever, that he merely said he wanted to marry me to cast more of the magic, has replaced the confusion and anger with understanding. Work Guy did really feel that he loved me, at some point. Then, it was no longer fun. His idea of magic was getting everything he had dished out for me, no arguments no misunderstandings. Only perfection.

That is not the type of person I want to marry. I do deserve more than a self-absorbed toddler.

Regardless of my epiphany, I think I would rather shove hot pokers up my nose than date again. All that trust shit and believing in someone else... Give me a break. At any given moment that selfish bastard can activate his exit strategy and leave me feeling like a schmuck who allowed goo-goo eyes to get in the way of existing.

Analyzing all the things I should have done, how I should have changed, how he didn’t want me anymore and trying to understand how he could have loved me like he claimed then shut the switch off. Was I really so terrible? Then I switch to the “Toy Theory”.

Work Guy was raised in a very wealthy family. In their basement they had a play room with tons of toys everywhere. But being the little super social butterfly that he is, constantly strayed from home to play with his friends and their toys. When his friends discovered the play room they were mystified. Here, in his very own home, he had stacks of toys, video games, arcade machines, etc. Why would he ever leave? Why wouldn't he have invited them over sooner? Work Guy shrugged, proud of his abandoned toys. They weren’t fun to play with any more. He went in search of other people and toys to play with. (this is a true story)

That is the Toy Theory. I was no longer new and shiny and exciting. There was nothing left to conquer, because I was his, loved him and wanted to be with him. Almost as soon as he felt comfortable in my constitution did he grow distant and I got anxious.

The biggest difference between us is how I value people and he does. It goes back to the toys.

When I was a kid, I felt bad for leaving certain toys out. I made the ones I couldn’t fit in my bed at night their own beds on the floor, toy box, closet, drawers. I wanted everyone to feel equally loved. I worried that some of my older toys would get jealous of the new ones I received on birthdays or Christmas, so I made sure I played with them on their own or incorporated them in the new games. All my toys are still in storage, I can’t bear to give me them away even though I no longer need them….

How does this relate to relationships? Work Guys parents have both been married 3 times. When things don't work, you move on. Like getting a new toy. They probably don't see it that way, otherwise things would be different. I'm sure Work Guy doesn't even realize how transient his feeling for women are. But in my family, we love for life. Regardless of what an asshole someone can be at the time, or even for years. You soldier on, and things work. You don't just replace your toys when they need maintenance.

This theory was designed to make me feel better. Instead it makes me sad. I wasn't fun enough to be played with half as long as some of his other serious girlfriends. I wasn't smart enough to see all the signs in the beginning when he bragged about what a womanizing prick he was. I wasted 8 months on a poser. Oh, the shame...