Trying to be brave

The week following my sad Christmas was strange at work. I was doing yoga every day, which is the shit by the way, and feeling a lot better as a person. BP might be mildly interesting in me as a distraction but I don't see a future with some guy who has so little interest in me.

Work Guy's parting words "It's sad you don't know how to chase someone you love" kept echoing in my ears. Have I missed out on someone special because my pride was too great and kept me from pursuing love when I thought I would meet rejection? I always felt like if someone didn't want me, they weren't worth it to bend down, lift their ego up, and beg for something they weren't going to give me anyway.

I still stare at my feet when Work Guy crosses my path. He looks at me, waiting to be acknowledged, but I can't do it. I want to disappear.

Back to the evil internet dating. I browse, put some feelers out there, and actually found a guy I was remotely interested in. He lives near the slope, is a year older, went to Catholic school for 13 years and, according to his pictures, is hot. We've emailed a couple times but we'll see where that goes.

At any rate, I am feeling more ME again. Not needing anything, just going with the yoga flow.

Yesterday at work, the branch manager position gets posted again for Salt Lake. I couldn't contain myself! Maybe Work Guy would move and I would never have to see him again. My slow, slithering healing process would speed up and I would stop dreaming about him! I forwarded the email to him and asked if he was going to reapply. Unfortunately, he had promised with his recent promotion to stay in that position for a year... Hopes dashed, I plummetted back to earth. I would have to see him every day for another year. No speedy recovery in my future.

We ended up emailing back and forth. I told him about yoga, he commented something about my mich ultra (the guy had to have thought I was an alcoholic), I emailed back how I can't manage the beer and yoga, he sent me picks of his best guy friend doing yoga, which led to him claiming he could do the splits.. Today I told him to prove it. Friendly banter. Asshole probably didn't understand how much that hurt.

Finally, I did something I have forbidden myself to do at work. I spoke to him. As he passed by (like he does several times a day) I told him I wanted a demonstration of his splits. He hedged. I was making him extremely uncomfortable. I took hold of that and boosted my confidence like I haven't had in a looooooooooooooooooooong time. I remembered how I used to be able to tongue tie him and outwit the cleverest come back. I won, this time.

As he walked away, a little unnerved that I'd spoken to him, I was so hopped up on my insignificant victory that I misjudged my own power and knocked my water all over the desk. I spent the next ten minutes cleaning up. He didn't see. Thank God.

The day was wrapping up and my boss stopped by the desk to invite me to happy hour. Not everyone gets invited. I asked if my old boss was going to be there. Affirmative. Hmm. I really want to go to yoga. I brought my bag. But I need to play a little of the corporate game, right? This is how a person can swing coming in late and slacking off occasionally and get s promoted. It worked for Work Guy.

Then I was stupid enough to ask who else would be there. Another sales rep and Work Guy. Of course. I immediately started to sweat. If I went, I would have to pretend everything was hunky dory. If I didn't go I might lose out on future invites and it would be reported that I declined because my ex would be present. I had to be brave.

So, I went. I got there ahead of my boss. The sales rep was one from my training class, older guy and nice enough so he started talking away. I talked with Work Guy as if we had always been friends and nothing more. I was sweating so bad! It's cold outside but I was more nervous than a prostitute in church. I had resolved to have one beer, head home to drink copious amounts of water and go to yoga. My boss bought me another beer when I was hedging to leave. Work Guy had ordered two drinks, so I thought his girlfriend was going to show up any minute. I had to leave, had to, had to, had to. But they were both for him.

After a heated politically incorrect conversation I decided to have a cigarette. My boss joined me and I mentioned how I thought I had made Work Guy sufficiently uncomfortable by coming.

"Good! He needs that. The guy puts on a brave face but I don't think he's as confident as he'd like everyone to believe."

We segued into work stuff, I got the insider perspective and all was good with the world. Back at the table my old boss brought up the guy I sit next to who I call affectionately The Serial Killer in Training, mostly because he looks like Elijah Woods in "Sin City". Old Boss asked if we'd gotten up to any more antics this week. I felt Work Guy's ears perk up and his eyes dart in my direction. I laughed and simply told the story about our music fight. We were friends, he has a girlfriend. Nice Guy, not a lech like Work Guy. Didn't say that, but eluded to the fact that there was nothing there but a work friendship.

Work Guy left before I did so I wouldn't have to worry about walking alone in a parking lot where he had first kissed me with him watching and knowing.

It was like being a parallel universe. The one I should have stayed in before ever becoming involved with him in any way. The one where I would have kept on believing he was an entertaining lech who was fun to be friends with instead of my current domain where I fell in love with him even though I knew I would never be what he wanted.

So I drove home, knowing that after those two wretched beers I would be unable to do a standing bow pose which as what I would rather have been doing than drinking with those people. I missed out doing something I loved just to put on a brave face and show that I could still hang like the rest of them. That I am impervious.

I think this might be my problem. In my quest to not be That Girl, I block out any opportunities I might have with my stone cold frigid wall.