Dreams

Dreams have always meant too much to me. I remember mine the next day and for years to come. They're clear to me as movies, so clear that sometimes I wake feeling as if it had truly happened. Most times I realize I'm dreaming during it and observe. My most memorable dreams are of green water, but that's a different story.

When Work Guy first was pursuing me I dreamt of him one night when I lay beside the Principal. In my dream I was in bed alone, though it could have been any room, and so dark. All I saw was his face hovering over me. He was wearing a light blue baseball hat. He smiled and made to leave but I reached up and curved my hand around the back of his head, through his hair. So gently, I pulled his face to mine and kissed his lips. To keep him. That was it, but it was haunting. He had that exact hat on the night I forced him to meet with me after he broke my heart.

Through out our relationship I had a recurring dream about showing up at his door. His roommate would answer and give me a dirty look. I would ask for Work Guy. He would come up behind the door and stare at me. This was always the cliff hanger. The dream went one of two ways. 1) Work Guy would pause staring at me with an unreadable look which could be interpreted as angry, lost, stunned, then he would run forward, crush me against his chest and take me inside the house. 2) He would pause to stare at me with before mentioned look before demanding to know why I was there. I was not welcome.

Last night I dreamt I was with a man. No one in particular, but he was important. The object of my affection. But I never really saw him. He gave me a rope of a necklace. It was pinkish, strong and made of braided heart-flesh. It made me think of heart strings while I was dreaming it, but it was not very stretchy. He tied it around my neck, securing each end with black thread causing the ends to ball together like a fist. It was weighty. I was in awe. It was beautiful and he loved me.

It occurred to me as I kissed him in thank you that I was naked. The room had a rosy warm glow and I was pulsating with need for him. I just needed to be with him, have everything right then. He kissed me back but kept resisting slightly to say "sign it". Then that strange thing that happens to a dreams timeline interfered, confusing me. His wife was in the room. She didn't care what we were doing as long as I signed something which said I would marry him. He was trying to get me to sign something that said I wouldn't. And then it would reverse.

All I wanted, or needed, was to make love with him. Yet all I had to do was sign. As much as I ached, I would not yield. Not with any determination but more like I didn't care. It wasn't an uncomfortable sensation, though it should have been. In another moment I was trying to take the necklace off. I couldn't unravel the thread because it just dug deeper into the heart flesh. I tried yanking it up and down to break it off but it was too strong. Frenzied, frightened I tried harder to remove it. I ended up choking myself with its weight.