Still

This weekend was Easter. My sister and brother-in-law flew into town late Thursday and stayed for the whole weekend. Pressuring me to bake cookies and such. It was lovely. My stomach is now a balloon.

The perfection of the weekend was overshadowed by the memory of last year when I was with Work Guy off in the opulent California meeting his family, riding in a dingy gazing at mansions. Someplace I desperately didn't feel I belonged. I couldn't help but think as I was driving home with my family Thursday night how last year I'd been in Newport on the side of the house making love listening to water lap in the bay. Getting scared that a boat would see us, running inside to take up where we left off. Or Sunday as I was cleaning offices, how uncomfortable I felt at the expensive country club watching heiresses trot around in sunhats with their metro sexual cohorts in lavender linen suits, only later to go back to the hotel and be taken passionately against a wall. Surely, history was repeating itself for him. Only with someone else. I'm sure he wasn't remembering.

Meanwhile, I sat on the patio texting the baby in front of my sister. He was bummed because it was overcast and he had really wanted to lay out to improve his tan. Meghan snorted.

I told her I wasn't really interested in him. Oh, flattered and elated someone was interested. But he wasn't really interested in me.

Funny how it all sometimes comes together. I fell in love with Work Guy, because he genuinely acted like he loved me. With all my imperfections he could look at me and take my breath away. I still wonder if I had fucked it all up by being scared, or if he simply didn't have the capacity to wait. If love was so permanent to me and transitory for him. Not that it matters, but as far as moving on I suppose it might.

I have also thought a lot about The Principal lately. Missing the little things which had led me to love him. There is always that if.... If I had been more patient or demanding or.... But that would not have changed the fact that he wanted me to fit in his life. Not partner in mine.

This weekend I saw a family friend who tried to date me a couple years ago, right before I met The Principal. Our families have been friends for years, my sister even dated his brother in high school. While his eyes were the same he kept his distance. He wanted to date me a month before he was leaving the country, spending his time between Idaho and South America with a month of Arizona in between. I had been connected to him, enchanted a little bit. He didn't understand why I would be concerned with his leaving. He would always come back and I could come to visit. Ha. I told him no. Then missed him desperately when he'd left. When he returned, he looked down his nose at me for dating The Principal. Now he communicates with my sister and treats me like a stranger.

BP Facebooked me today. I really need to get rid of the evil social network. "How are you? What have you been up to?" Go fuck yourself.

So, what is the recipe for love? Does it have to be easy? Do you just meet the right person and click? Or are some people just better off alone? I need to stop with the romance novels. They make you think the one you love will be willing to give up more than they would ever ask of you, and you would do so in return.