Another Dream

Last night I had another vibrant, realistic dream.  It spanned so many scenes I cannot begin to write it all down.  Most important was the hug.  More important than the blood on the walls, the strange island or the half green person wanting me to dig a grave.  It made me really consider where I have stood in my apathy these past three years.

I was floating in the green water of an ocean or sea not too far from land.  There was some mission I needed to get to but I was content floating toward it.  Getting there in my own time.  Over the water flew a man, I knew he was different because, well, frankly because he was flying.  He asked why I was just floating when I needed to get to this place and I nonchalantly replied "I'll get there eventually." and did a lazy backstroke.

He gently plucked me from the water into the air.  The friends I hadn't known were around me watched as we climbed through the air and with the weightlessness I let my dangling legs drift up with us to settle around his hips.

My arms around his neck, his arms around my waist we held each other in a light embrace.  It was as if we were suspended in water, not rushing air.

I sighed and asked "Why can't we just stay like this forever?"

It occurred to me when I awoke and felt lonely that I haven't been hugged without fear of falling in a very long time.

The Principal Resurfaces

I haven't heard from The Principal since the middle of summer when I last called him, drunkenly, and suggested he start dating.  I admit he took it like a man when I laughed at him for mentioning we meet up for a vacation and swiftly got off the phone.  I neatly placed him in the "Do not Disturb" file and went about my life.

Until September when I drunkenly texted him:
Been thinking about you lately.  Hope you are doing well.

I know I should be shot and let sleeping dogs lay and all that but I was lonely and stupid.  I was, however, smart enough to suspect he couldn't receive my message or wouldn't be bothered to reply.  And I was 100% ok with that.

Two weeks later........ Email from the Principal:
Hello there. Not sure if you got my message.  Sorry for delay but was in the Congo and only got the text when I got back to South Africa. So you were thinking about me? What were you thinking?  I'm kidding.  Thought about you many a time.  Hope all is going well with marketing for old people living:)  pics below are how I spent my birthday! 

I looked at his shit eating grin and kind of wanted to smack him.  Glad you're having fun being single while all I really want to do is curl up next to someone when I go to bed and eat out more.

Me:
I didn't get your message, didn't really expect a response because I wasn't sure if you could receive texts. Had just been thinking about you a lot and figured I would say hi.

Looks like you caught the world's ugliest fish there!  How's everything going with the job?

My building is still in progress, delayed till mid-December.  I've been helping with some of their other projects.  It has been a strange start, but I am learning a lot which will be an asset as I move up with this company or another.  


Other than that, my Mom is back in Iowa, Meghan is in Puerto Rico shooting a movie with John Cusack.

Principal:
I get texts but for some reason I can't send.  That is a beautiful fish!  Guy holding it even more so ;) It's a Dorado also known as mahi-mahi.
Job is good, stressful but good. Have senior vp's telling me I'm doing fantastic stuff and keep it up.  I'd rather they said with $ than compliments ;) 
Glad to hear you are at least getting some good learning on the job. If I knew more seniors I'd have them call you.
John Cusack in Puerto Rico?  What a dull life she has:) hope you take advantage and have a little holiday there!
Anyway, miss you, all the best. If you download whatsapp on phone then I can reply


PS

Any good plans for New Year's Eve?

Why the hell would he want to know what I'm doing for New Year's?  Is this a jab because I broke up with him on New Year's Day nearly 3 years ago?  He's really not that good at piecing things together....

Me:
Mahi mahi is one of my favorite fish, but I never have to look it in the face!  
Glad things are going well and you look happy on your birthday trip.  I'm sure you'll be running that company before long.

I need more seniors so if you know any send them my way!  We have some great residents on board but construction delays have put us out to opening in December.  I wish I had the time to visit Meghan... she sends such tantalizing pics from the beach which makes me want to maim her.  Hoping to spend Thanksgiving in either LA, if her shoot runs long, or Iowa if not.  No more wedding, they are getting divorced.  Loooong story.  No plans for New Year's other than sweat pants and too many animals :-)  Miss you too.

Eh, why not be honest.  It's an email so what can it hurt?

Principal:
Well since you have no plans I invite you to be with me.  Here are the necessities.
1.  You will need a passport
2.  You will have to pack bags
3.  You will have to find an animal sitter

I can't tell you where cuz that would spoil the sense of adventure but I will say this.  If u accept u will be given a plane ticket, round trip as I would never leave you stranded:) then all you have to do is go to the airport and board a plane. Simple


I don't hold my breath in anticipation that you will say yes but it would be oh so great to see you and spend some time together.  I know it's extravagant maybe mysterious and I'm being coy but  why not take a leap of faith and know that we will have a fantastic time.

What the WHAT?  I will so not go to South Africa if that is what he's suggesting.  But... it has been on my New Year's resolution list forever to leave the country and he had said before he left we could meet up in Ireland or someplace in Europe.  Could he really mean he would pay for everything and I would get my wish fulfilled?

Me:
I am surprised and intrigued by your mysterious offer.

I would need to know the following in order to make an informed decision:
1) Travel time required 1 way
2) Length of time for the entire trip 

3) Climate

Principal:

I can only say 5-6 days.  Anything more would just be giving it away. However if you become insistent I may fold.  But then again I may not ;)

Me:

I will have to be insistent about the flight time and climate.... I would need to know how to pack.  If it sways you at all to give in and share more... I am considering this.

And a week goes by without a word.  I'm checking my email throughout the day feeling like a moron because he ALWAYS does this to me!

Principal:

Ok I'm caving in. Would have been sooner but jeez have things gotten busy.  I will be in Europe, probably Paris.  It will be cold but not that bad. And yes it is a lengthy flight.

So I began to feel excited... I could finally get to see some of Europe!  Granted it's a short trip but I haven't taken a vacation longer than 4 days in years.  I glance over the computer screen to see Julie eyeing me critically and immediately asks what's up.

Me:  Ummm... I've been emailing The Principal.

Julie: And what the hell does that little asshole want now?  Is he still in South America?

Me:  It's South Africa, totally different continent much further away.

Julie:  Whatever.  He's still an asshole.  What does he want?

Me:  He's offered to pay for a trip to Europe for New Year's.  He said all I have to do is get a passport, pack and get on a plane.

She narrows her eyes at me.

Julie:  And what if you go over there and he breaks your heart all over again?

Me:  It's not like that... It will just be a platonic vacation.

Julie: (rolling her eyes) Right.

Me: It's not like I'll actually go... I can't take that much time off work so close to our opening.

Julie:  F that!  You're going!  You never take any time for yourself.

Me:

Definitely considering this.  Andrea has already approved me taking the time if I decide to go but I need some more details.....  Dates and such.

Principal:

Leave on the 29th arrive on the 30th. Then back home on 3rd or 4th.  Either one you are back in phx same day just late like 9pm.  So you take that week off and no worries. If yes then need all your details cuz I have a shit memory

Address

DOB

Phone

Passport ID

And so I sent him my deets, took the time off work and I AM GOING TO PARIS!!!!

The Restaurateur

During my online attempts to find love- wait no- companionship.... wait, no- a single male... ah, fuck it.

Anyway, this online guy starts texting me.  His profile is pretty standard: Loves family, wants to meet Miss Right to settle down with, spends every Sunday engrossed in football.  He seems nice except he texts a lot and seeing as how I have a work phone that gets more action than my personal phone I had been sort of ignoring him.  Yet, he still wants to meet me.

I leave straight from work in a nice dress, the polka dot one evil people call The Baseball dress, tights and boots.  I'm really wishing we weren't meeting at a Catina type place so I wouldn't feel over dressed but maybe looking nice will score me some points.  Who knows?  It isn't like I'm going to trek all the way home just to change so this what he'll get.

I spot him right away at a table and head over.  Quick side hug and order a beer.  He's really tall.  Plus.  A little on the husky side but good smile.  Plus.  Seems pretty confident but not cocky.  Good sign.

I'm surprisingly not uncomfortable...

This guy does most of the talking, which works for me.  He and his family own and operate a couple sandich shops on the west side and planning to open up a third.  Very business focused but loves to go out, laugh and have fun.  Very into his family and looking to start his own sometime in the future.

We had two drinks and I needed to get home to the animal horde.  He was very gentlemanly by walking me to my car, nice hug and asked to see me again.  While I wasn't lusting after him I thought he was definitely the type of person I would enjoy being around.

Texting back and forth he decided on a fancy restaurant for our next date.  I mean really fancy... like waiters in tuxes who call you by your name when they arrive at your table and recommend a proper bottle of wine fancy.  I tried to breathe.  Do I tell him I'm more of a dive bar girl?  Did dressing too nice set a bad example of who I am:  The Girl Who Thinks Sweat Pants Should Be Classified as Acceptable Going Out Clothes....?

It was a lovely meal.  He had been thoughtful enough to choose a place that specialized in seafood so I would have plenty to pick from.  We ordered beer instead of wine because he listened when I talked about how allergic I am to sulfites.  He asked questions.  In the end he walked me to the elevator at the parking garage and gave me a very nice kiss.  It did not melt my bones or make me want to jump him but I found myself thinking I wouldn't mind doing that again.

He even called me later to make sure I got home ok.  Such a sweet guy.

But....

But he seemed to be doing a lot of fast tracking.  Talking about if we were together at Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Inviting me to a family party the following week.  Asking me if I'm a cuddler or really affectionate when in a relationship.  It made me a little itchy but Anastasia and the rest of my peeps at work convinced me this is normal....  But I was just getting this intense foreboding that if I dated this guy for six months he would want to be in love and getting engaged and married in a year.  Which wouldn't be a bad thing if I was crazy about him.....

We agreed to hang out on Sunday and he would let me know what he has planned.  When he suggested brunch with his family I felt the need to be honest.  I wasn't comfortable meeting his family on the third date.  He was very understanding.

And I never heard from him again.........

(I wrote this in sweat pants and a very ginormous robe)

Fibber McGee's

Going back and forth between the idea of dating again I decided to make a few attempts on EHarmony.com which resulted in the typical lame responses.  At first there were a few fish biting.  That narrowed down to a few I deemed adequate enough to continue communicating with and eventually I gave my number out to three men.

Bachelor #1: Sent a couple brief texts and arranged to meet at Kona Grill.  I got a cold and asked to reschedule.  Never heard from him again.

Bachelor #2:  Sent a couple texts that were closed ended.  That went no where.

Bachelor #3:  Sent more interesting texts and CALLED (novel idea, right?).  We had a three hour phone conversation about books, work, what we are looking for in dating, animals.  It was fun.  Even though I wasn't exactly tingling, I felt like I could do this again.

We continued to text a little and he called again the following weekend.  Another long conversation where we started to open up more about past relationships and politics, work ethic.  The getting to know you crap I normally despise wasn't so terrible.  A couple days later we had another long call, talked about my dad and his dad's illness.  Maybe I have finally met a normal human being!

Bachelor #3 invited me to have a drink at Fibber McGee's on a week night.  I wasn't stressed or worried, I was just going to be myself and see where this goes.  Running late getting home from work I texted him I would meet him around 8pm.  I showered, did my hair and dressed casual nice.  No butterflies.  Maybe I'm maturing!

Maybe I have a sixth sense....

Bachelor #3 is decent looking guy.  Taller than me.  Big green eyes.  We had a beer and made small talk.  I was a little awkward at first but managed to loosen up.  I can't really pinpoint the moment it got weird, but weird it most certainly got.  He began to lose control of the conversation, or his ability to focus on it.  He started to complain about his job as a manager at a pizza chain because obviously he made so much less money than when he was a professional poker player and certainly a lot less than what I make.  I tried to reign it back in...

He got up to go the bathroom after we ordered a second round and knocked into a chair.  Maybe he's just clumsy?  I walk into stuff all the time...  When he came back it was pretty obvious he was a couple drinks ahead of me.  I asked if we could go outside to smoke, this was starting to stress me out.  He could barely walk out the door and propped himself against a wall.  He starts asking if he can kiss me.  No.  No.  Fuck NO.  He's slurring his words, eyes rolling around in his head.  For the love of God, how much has this guy been drinking?  He moves to grab his beer off the table and nearly falls over on it.

I direct him to a chair as he's chanting "You hate me, I can't believe this.."  I asked how many he's had and he attempts to tell me its only 4-5 including the beers he's had with me.  False.  He's a tall guy and I don't get this freaking sloppy when I overindulge.  He tries the kissing thing again and I want to smack him.  People are looking in our direction.  I take a sip of my beer and declare that we need to close out and I'll drive him home. (I am too nice, and or stupid, for my own good.)  With a sigh, Bachelor # 3 starts to pour the rest of his beer into my beer but spills it all over my lap instead.

He stumbles to the bar while I try to keep a straight face.  I just want to get rid of this guy and go home.  I let him pay the tab, not feeling one little bit like I should pitch in at all.  He sways out the door, walks like a sailor all the way to my car and nearly falls on his face missing the door handle.  Then he proceeds giving me crap directions to his home, like I'm going drastically change lanes when I am soaked in beer.

At his townhouse, he tries to convince me to "just come in side."  I explained during our phone calls that I'm not looking to get my sex on with just anyone.  Why the hell would I go into a drunk stranger's abode?  He pleads that I should at least come to the door to meet his dog.  I am a sucker for dogs.  I left my car running, told him I would say hello and then I needed to go home.  The big dog starts barking excitedly inside while Bachelor #3 takes an eternity to figure out which key on his key ring is most likely to gain entrance to his home.  The door is opened a year later, the dog surges forward and proceeds to pee.

Urine is splashing ff the tile, all over my leg and shoe.  Poor beast continues to pee nervously in a circle.  The only time a large dog does this:  They haven't been let out in a really long time.  He looks so ashamed I call him outside for petting because it isn't his fault, it's the fault of his asshole owner.  The dog bounces off to pee more, Bachelor #3 is swaying and making more excuses.  The dog runs into the street where headlights are approaching.  I scream, calling him back.  Bachelor #3 says the dog is fine, he knows the area....  I'm so sick for the beast, he's dirty, hasn't been out all day from the looks of it and his alcoholic owner doesn't care if he gets hit by a car.  Wow.  I sure can pick 'em.

As I was driving home I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.  So I announced out loud "I just got peed on." and bust out cackling.  This was hands down the WORST date I have ever been on.

I stopped at a gas station and opened up to the female cashier.

Me: "I just have to share this with someone right now.  I went on a first date tonight.  The guy ended up getting drunk, spilled beer in my lap.  Then, I had to drive him home where his dog peed all over me."

Her eyes popped out and her jaw dropped.  I could see she was furiously trying to come up with a response.  I shrugged and headed to the door.

"You deserve better than that!" she called after me.

"God, I hope so!"

This story, however, was lot's of entertainment the following day at work.

My kind-of attempts to get into dating....

I've reached a funny stalemate with myself about dating.  The truth is, I would very much like to meet a guy, go out, get to know him, share my thoughts, laugh, joke, cuddle, be romantic, and all that shit.  The problem is that from what I hear and see of other people's relationships dating is just a farce.  Lie about how easy going you are.  Pretend to be OK with the other person's emotional distance.  Set aside pieces of yourself so things go more smoothly.  Do this until you get married and then it's open season on how unaccommodating you want to be or accept it and lose those little pieces for ever.

It seems like a lot of bullshit to go through just for some semi-regular sex and the right to post kissy pics on FB.

With that in mind, my Internet dating is a little wah-wah-wahhhh..... Very few prospects and all the answers make me bored.  Plus, the majority of my matches are short.  I was very clear in my settings that I didn't want to date someone under 5'9" (because I'm 5'6" and sometimes like to wear heels that make me 5'10" and anyone under the approved height minimum would make me look like a freaking Amazon.)  They need to make a new website called NapoleonComplexSingles.com where all the short people can go to pretend to find love.

I've been texted by 3 of the guys I went through the communication process with and they are all inept in some way.  One just wants to meet up and I've forgotten everything I've learned about him already.  Two goes with the closed ended statements about himself.  How am supposed to respond to that Two?  Say how awesome your statement is just to keep up this disappointing illusion of a conversation?  Not gonna happen.  Three is hit or miss and has already used the word kinky.  All 3 chose to text rather than call.

Needless to say I have been on zero dates.

This doesn't upset me, just makes me less enthusiastic about even trying to date.  Sure, I want all the mushy crap and sex but I want that to be a accompanied by a brain and some genuine interest thrown my way.  So, I'm not going to sweat it.  I will continue to go about my business and wait for an opportunity to jump a stranger.  (With that comment I expect a call from Chloe "seeing how things are going")

I Am Robot

I have been on several dates with the Beard.  Anastasia tells me he's a good guy.  He's sweet, texting me all the time telling me I'm beautiful.  He thinks of thoughtful dates.  I mean like seeing Princess Bride on the big screen and fancy restaurant type dates. We have fun together. He brought me flowers.  He drank non-alcoholic beverages at my 4th of July party with my crazy family.  He helped me shop for accent shit for work.  He took me to the circus.

But....

But........

Sigh.

He kisses me like we are in junior high.  Or we need a safe word.  I'm completely comfortable around him with the exception that there is no passion.  I have been hanging out with this dude since the end of May and he hasn't tried ANYTHING.

So last week we went to a nice dinner and comedy show.  I went out and bought a nice new dress, bra and undies.  Not expecting anything, but to get my mojo going in general.  It was fun, he even made sure that I had a good view after some head bobbing.  I had tried to probe some info out of him about prior relationships but discovered he had non.  26 years old, recovering alcoholic and no prior relationships.  End of the night.... Barely even some tongue.

What am I doing?  This is not dating!  He doesn't ask about my work.  We don't talk about his plans other than paying off DUI fines and his apartment smells like dog piss.  I have finally regressed to college.

How difficult is it for me to date?  Let's see... Two years ago Chloe was still hung up on her ex, now she has an amazing boyfriend who is looking to propose in the next few months.  They're freaking inseparable, which both makes me sick and happy at the same time.  Kelly, is married.  Anastasia has a steady boy toy.  And me?  I'm still reliving the freaking Principle and Work Guy (1st out of country the second getting engaged.  Oh yeah, the EX is having a baby!)

I was watching New Girl yesterday and realized it has been YEARS since anyone has kissed me because they felt compelled.  YEARS.

To end this sorry note....

I signed back up on internet dating today.

Sigh.  More beer for me.

What the Crap is Dating?

An ex-coworker of mine who is male and let me push him around invited me to a baseball game via the hated Facebook.  He's a little younger than me but I thought it would be a fun outing.  Trying not to be too naive, as I know men and women can never just be friends, I accepted on a friend level.  I would shank him if he tried to put the moves on me and dress as unattractively as possible.  Ponytail, oversized khakis, thermal, flip flops.  Done.

Now, the Beard is a nice guy and all but I had some trouble not being my normal work ice queen self.  He wanted to pick me up and I threatened that I would have to kill him should he discover my lair.  I drove to his complex and let him drive from there.  I knew he was in AA but the breathelizer in his car still shocked me.   I politely clasped my hands in my lap and looked the other way.  The game was fun, he was funny, but my back was starting to hurt from trying to be social.  And I wanted a beer.  But I can't drink in front of a person who has been sober a year and a half... that would be wrong.  But it's everywhere!  Men shouting out "Ice cold beer!"  This kiss camera lit up the stadium and the Beard laughed about whether we would get shot and I gave him the most withering look of repulsion that could come naturally to my face.  I felt bad about this later, afraid I insulted him.  Oh well, at least our seats were amazing and the Diamondbacks won (a rare occasion.)

We had a nice platonic hug before I headed home and I thought, maybe that was just a friendly outing.  No sparks or moves or suggestions.  I could deal with that.

The following week Anastasia, who still works at my ex-job, texted me shocked that I had a date with the Beard and not notified her. 

ME:  Was not date.  Just friendly baseball game.

Anastasia:  Men and women cannot be friends!  How was it!?  He could be good for you!

ME:  Was NOT date.  If it was it didn't go very well seeing as he hasn't contacted me since.  LOL!

And I truly thought it was funny for the first time in my life I hadn't analyzed whether or not someone liked me.  I texted the Beard a week later requesting he hit the Mormon kid I used to antagonize in the head with a ball, to which he responded with said Morman's pissed off pic.  And in what I assume was a strategic nudge from Anastasia, he asked to hang out again.  In a week and a half.  Friends make plans that far in advance and I assumed I was safe.  We agreed to educate me on the series Dexter.

Drawing it out with The Principal

In January I was convinced The Principal was not into me.  In June I am further convinced.  Why I allow myself to focus on people's good qualities in hopes that they will outweigh their bad is a sign of my terminal stupidity.  My most recent experiences have left me completely jaded towards the male species.  As if anyone thought I could get MORE jaded...

I'll make this short as possible, because it mostly repeats my past relationship with this guy.

I continued to see The Principal.  We had dinner, talked occasionally.  All the while he was accepting the job in South Africa and planning his move.  He'd throw a line out there about wanting to take me with him.  How I could not work and focus on my writing.  When he started putting the moves on me my reaction was so alien I began to believe I was a different person.  We made love.  So very different from before, when we were just getting it on.  I stared into his eyes and thought "you're imperfect, but I love you for it".

But he didn't talk.  There was no platitudes about how he would miss me, just "The timing is never right."  I would ask about feelings and never get a straight answer.  I was busy trying to love someone who would never truly love me back.  His goals, his making up for lost time being a productive business man, would always take precedence over me.  Like all stupid bitches in love I wondered if it was just that or if I was the wrong girl for him.  What was I lacking? 

The Principal and I met for dinner in Chandler.  I sat patiently as he talked about all his travel arrangements to leave the country in a week.  All I could focus on was the fact that he hadn't hugged me, or kissed me, or touched me all night.  Next week he would be across the country and he didn't feel any urgency to be near to me.  Every bit of this is wrong.  I said so.  He told me he had to do this, leave to make a career for himself.  I tried to listen but there was soft buzzing in my ears, dread.

When we parted ways he said "I'm just not the right one for you, am I?" and despite my strong composure throughout our entire time knowing each other I launched myself into his arms and cried.  He could have been if he wanted me as badly as I wanted him.  He could have tried harder.  He could have tried at all.

And we continued to talk after he left.  I counted the hours difference and waited but it took a week before he contacted me.  Emailed he would call tomorrow and never did.  I was in a state of nervous turmoil checking my phone all day, all night, waking up to check at 3am.  After two days of this, exhausted and un-sleeping I gave up.  But that's always when he calls.  I began to depend on calling him late at night or mid morning.  Venting about my new job, just hearing his laugh.  He would back in AZ in a month and I would get to see him. 

As he made his journey across the ocean and the country I counted the hours, marking where he would be.  He'd said on the phone he wanted to see me when he got in, jet lag be damned.  I was more important.  My heart, stupidly, jumped.  When I rang the bell at his house I was considering just launching myself into his arms.  Even if he was tired we could wrap around each other, talk, hold on...  But I had to ring the bell again and waited.  My cheeks began to burn.  He forgot?  Passed out?  Missed his flight?  Eventually he answered the door only to stare at me in confusion and scratch his head.  He noticed a package and bent over taking 5 minutes to try to retrieve it mumbling about how sleepy he was.  I wanted to run.  My face was in shock position. 

Reluctantly, I entered his lair.  He plopped on the sofa where I was forced to sit and chat about my work while he continued to snooze.  I wanted to cry.  I left 15 minutes later so I could do just that.  He didn't call for two days, then we only spoke for five minutes about how he had to go to NM to check his house before his parents came into town, then got off the phone to eat his pizza saying he'd call me a little later.  The next day all I got was a text he was in NM.  Then silence.  For a week.  I woke up in the middle of the night and left him a voice message, anticipating he would just take off back to South Africa without telling me or seeing me again.  It two days before he called me back.

I was sitting at a restaurant with Julie when he called.  I answered "Ah, so you are alive." but had no desire to speak to him.  I learned he had another week in AZ before heading out again.  Do you think he asked to see me?  No.

The Principal is out of the country and I never want to hear from him again.

What ever happened to good-byes?

The Principal Responds...

I awoke Monday morning, glanced at my phone and still nothing.  I had been completely blown off by the Principal and I needed to get over it.  Truth is, all my anger had drained to the point where I felt empty.  Men simply did find me worthy enough to share their mediocre lives.  Time to embrace being a single lady for the rest of my days. Yes, I am 31 and I give up.

9:00am Principal:  Wow.  That's some interesting messaging.  Would have helped if I had read it yesterday rather than this morning.

Who the hell doesn't look at their phone for over 24 hours?  Who?  My 66 year old mother checks her IPhone regularly.  Did it not occur to him to contact me at all yesterday?

9:24am ME: That's it?

10:54am Principal:  Well I wanted to let you know that I had just read these given your assumption.  I think the fact that I'm being extremely cautious about you and I and feeling things out slowly is likely making it appear that I'm "not interested".

11:15am ME: Taking things slow is one thing.  Wondering if you're interested is another.

11:38am Principal:  I am interested but I'm moving at a snail's pace.  I didn't see a question asking me that only a revelation that you decided was the case.

Should I have been more direct?  Sure!  Have I always been the one who has to draw out how he feels about me?  Yes!  So forgive me if I just wanted to make a statement about how you happen to consistently come across.

11:47am ME:  It wasn't a question, it was a conclusion.  The lax communication was beginning to give me heart burn.

12:08pm Principal:  My apologies,  Not my intentions.

12:34pm ME:  It was a pointless text.

And no more from the Principal.  I hada fraction of a hope he would be waiting at my house when I drove home from work.  Or left flowers.  But I bet the thought never even crossed his mind.  He didn't bother to call either.

I drove over to Julies's where she made me dinner and discussed the many dysfunctions of men.  I just feel empty.  Even my ex-boyfriend who had once loved me couldn't get excited enough to be with me.  What hope would I ever have to find someone who does?  How could I be stupid enough to think the Principal would go out of his way to tell me he cares?

If this man can't even call me, I guess he can't really ever love me.

User's Guide for Women

Some easy tips for men not to be such idiots.

1) Call or text daily.  It doesn't have to be a long, involved conversation.  Just contact.

2) Ask what SHE has been doing.

3) Mention the following on a regular basis or insert into silences
         A.  I missed you
         B.  I have been thinking about you/ You have been on my mind
         C. You are beautiful/pretty/cute/funny/wonderful

4) Bring up how you thought about something discussed previously or that something reminded you of her

5) Make eye contact

6) Touch her arm/neck/back/knee (keep it PG, perverts)

7) Kiss her or hug her just for the hell of it

8) Make plans a couple days or a week out to show a future. It says "See!  I will still want to be with you in a week!"  The plans could be simple, like coffee or watching a movie together.  It is the time that matters.

9) Go out of your way every once and a while and you will be rewarded ten fold.  Example:  If she has had a really tough time at work offer to pick her up for lunch to get her mind off it or send flowers or a thoughtful card/email.

10) Just be present.  When talking or in silence just be aware of her.  No one wants to be an accessory.

If men did half of this a woman would never doubt his interest.      

People Do NOT Change

I am mad at the Principal, but really I can only be mad at myself.  Following a Merry Christmas text the Principal did not contact me the rest of the week.  My sister and brother-in-law were texting me non-stop asking if I had heard about the job yet.  While I hadn't counted on hearing before the new year, I got a call Thursday.  They loved me and felt like they hit the jackpot.  I love being loved!!!

I wanted to wait until the Principal initiated contact before telling him.  He should, after all, be pursuing me.  By Saturday I was pissed.  So what if he is Indiana?  He couldn't take 5 seconds to text me?  Man, he must be over the freaking moon to have another chance with me, right?  Knocking down my door practically.

Stupid me texted him.  And he congratulated me.  And I said thanks.  The end.

He ended up calling me later that night after drinking scotch with his dear old dad.  My heart was in take off position but decided to stay on the tarmac after he went into a rant about his family's bickering.  I listened, read part of my book, scanned Facebook, drank beer, anything that would keep me from going insane.  After about a half hour I interrupted and went into what my family had fought about and my job offer.  He asked a few questions, I thought the conversation was actually starting to take off... then, engine failure.  Back to him.

In the days following I kept the contact up, knowing full well that I deserved to be strung up for such treason to myself.  But the little part of me inside was begging, no starving for some attention knowing I would never be satisfied.  New Year's Eve I gave up.  He could contact me when and if he wanted to.

Julie and I decided to stay home, drink beer alone and occasionally text each other.  Built a fire, drank way too much with the dogs and fell asleep on the couch.  Julie came over the next night to watch me bake cookies and rant about her EX whom she failed to sever contact with.  When I had irritated her enough with my opinions, she asked about the Principal.

"You text that asshole right now and ask if he's still fucking alive."

So I did, and he was.  Just got back into town and was feeling sickly.  I told him to feel better.

"You should have told him to go to hell..."

Nothing the next day.  Which was Wednesday, my cut off day for asking me out for the weekend.  Thursday he texted that he was dying and asked if I had any last requests.  Ha.  Ha ha.  Some sex?  That he would pull his head out of his ass?  In the end I primly responded that if he was dying too quickly for medical care he probably didn't have time for last requests.  He agreed.  Then nothing more from me.

Friday night he left a voice mail at 8pm.  Too late.  I might be doing something at that time of night other than watching the Karate Kid series and Bruce Lee movies.  I called him back and left a voice mail at 1pm the next day.  He didn't feel the need to call me back until close to seven.  I remember this.  I hated this.  Looking at my phone constantly.  Waiting.  Analyzing.  Feeling like I just wasn't exciting enough for him to respond.

I answered this time and he whined about his cold, which he had not yet gone to the doctor for.  As fun as this was to talk about I had promised Julie I would go to a bar with her to "hunt" for available men.  I told the Principal what I needed to get in the shower for and got off the phone.  But when I thought about it, the last place I wanted to go was a bar and listening to Julie talk to guys while I sat there with no one paying any attention to me thinking about how very unappealing I must be to the male species.  Or worse yet, meeting someone who will inevitably ignore me or dump me via text like my most recent ex's. 

So I texted Julie a rain check, took a shower and changed into more comfy sweats and read a romance novel.  (Shut UP Chloe, they are healthier than crack!)  I was enjoying myself, loving the patio fire when I got hit for the second time this week by the justice train.  The Principal was just not that into me.  In the three weeks since he has re-entered my life, but not me because I have a pox against any chance of ever getting laid again, my confidence and happiness has shrivelled.  I have turned into that desperate 28 year old waiting by her phone just in case he decided I was worthy of his attention.  Well, NO MORE.  No more men, no more Principal, no more opportunities for people to walk all over me.  I am a strong person who can take care of herself and a small horde of beasties.

Saturday 11:20pm Me: I am having a great revelation tonight.  You are still not "that" interested in me and I should just stop worrying about it.

The next day: Nothing.

Sunday 9pm Me:  I am interpreting you silence as agreement.

Still nothing.  Seems like his vow to change his flaws and communicate better was extremely short lived.

The Engineer Gets Weird

I had hoped the Engineer would just fade away but I am never that lucky.  A few days after our date I was in Kohl's, the most horrible store on earth, trying to find a suitable pair of black dress pants to wear at my job interview.  And I also needed a new bra, as the one I was wearing every day since I bought a year ago had elected to go rogue and was currently stabbing me in the rib.  Shopping when you have to is painful. 

Anyway, my phone starts buzzing and I see it's the Engineer calling.  Sigh.  I would call him back when I finally made it home and let him down that we are not a match.  I listen to his voicemail while sifting through the 1.2 million bras messily arranged so no one would EVER find the right style and size.  He was going on and on and ON about how he knew how much he liked me when we met at the bar and felt like he really connected to me on our date and had some great ideas for our next one but would rather discuss over the phone than by voice mail so if I could just please call him back?  I hate to say this but I was a little freaked out.

I arrived home after spending too much money and way too much time, but a girl has to look good for an interview, right?  I saw I had a text from the Engineer.  It was another novella.

Engineer:  I feel like I know you pretty well.  You would have answered my call or text if you were interested in going on another date.  I am disappointed, but I am a big boy and I understand the complexities of meshing to two lives.  Kate, I respect you opinion... I would appreciate any advice you can give me on dating or how I may come across.... be honest...... I always want to better myself in any way I can.  thx

This text made me unreasonably angry.  First of all, he had called me little over an hour ago and he had no idea what my schedule is like or what I might be doing.  The disappointed shtick?  Ugh!  We went out once!

Me:  I just got home from shopping and have not had a chance to listen to my voice mails.  I see you called at ten to 7, and I have not received any texts from you today.  I'm sorry I did not respond to you more quickly.

That may have seemed nice when written down but I looked furious tapping it out.  He responded quickly apologizing and still wanting to go out and asking what I bought.  I bought "None of your fucking business!"  I told him that dating is tough but he should really not assume the worst and wait to hear from someone.  And because I am so nice/stupid I agreed to go out one more time where I would tell him thanks but no thanks.

The Engineer continued to send me long texts which he inserted his "talent" for story telling and I wanted to scratch out my eyes.  The holidays came and went and the day loomed nigh that I would have to see him again.  After the hell of Christmas, I needed time away from people.  So I told him I had a cold.  He asked if I really wanted to get together again.  Scented my lie and called me out on it.  I told him I hoped I would get better soon.  The out of nowhere he sends this long text, in poem format about how he had doubted me and was so relieved I still wanted to see him and how now all that concerned him was my health.  Gak!  I chose not to respond.

Needless to say, he took this as it was intended and sent me another goodbye.

Engineer:  Let's face it.... When I am single I go out too often, I drink too much and I forget how old I am.  I usually worry about dating a girl I met in a bar.  I don't want to date someone who drinks too much or too often.  If I meet a good girl then they will think the same of me.  Basically, it never works.  I;m just about sure that is what happened here.  If this was going to work we would have gone one a second date by now.  I appreciate the time you have invested in this and if I see you out again I hope you will say hi.  Thanks for everything.

What a freak show. 

Me:  OK.... I wish you well.  Happy New Year.

But later that night my version of Kelly's justice police flared and I thought, what the hell.

Me:  I have to tell you I've been put off by your ability to assume.  you met me in a bar on the rare occasion that I went to one.  I was not looking to date but liked you and your friends and took a chance.  The holidays are stressful and time consuming therefore limiting communication.  I felt like you were constantly looking for my rejection and, quite personally, I had not gotten to know you well enough to form an opinion on the matter.  I really do wish you well and hope to see you out again but please do not assume you know what someone else is thinking or feeling.

Justice served until he came back with apologies and wanting to go out again.  What the fuck is wrong with him?  Oh, OK.  I would love to go out with a needy, assuming bastard who's texts are longer than my hand.  Sounds dandy.  But wait, sorry I have already committed to sticking my head in the oven.

I did what I should have done in the beginning.

Me:  Thank you, but no.

2nd Second Date and So On with the Principal

The Principal invites me to dinner at a nice restaurant in Phoenix for our second date, the 2nd time around.  I'm a bit nervous for several reasons.  First, I don't know if I want to give this another try.  People can't really change and we didn't work the first time.  Second, it is raining, making it prime sit on my patio reading a book time.  Third, he had mentioned wanting to kiss me when we talked on the phone and I wonder if there will be any spark there...

Well, the restaurant was very hip.  Delicious food- he paid.  The Principal was so cheery.  Conversation was a great back and forth.  I talked about my upcoming trip to Denver for the final interview of a job I now really wanted.  He talked about his travels for work.  We were having such a nice time we went back to Rosie's across the street for another drink.  I was really enjoying myself!  I was reminded of all the good times we had when we were getting to know one another, only this time we were able to have a blast after all the crap we'd gone through!

He drove me back to my car and we sat in his chatting for a while.  He leaned over "I'm going to kiss you now" and I let him.  We made out in a very PG fashion for several minutes, his hand in my hair, my hand about his waste.  It was pleasant.  I did not have the urge to jump his bones.  I did not get all tingly.  I think my hormones are broken.

We texted a little through out the weekend, but I was already starting to feel that nagging in the back of my brain.  I kept thinking I should hear something more.  He should tell me how he feels, or that he enjoyed being with me.  In the end I asked, because I wanted to know.  Like I always have.  Like I will probably always have to if I continue seeing the Principal...  He responded that "it felt good, felt right."

Throughout the week I would get a text now and then.  I can almost time when they will come in.  That is how well I remember his lax communication style and it is making me want to pull out my hair again.

We agree to get sushi Friday night, a week since our last date.  Eager to see me, the Principal has never been.  As I drive north to meet him I consider the contrast between Work Guy and the Principal.  Polar opposites who both gave me anxiety attacks.  This one too little communication, the other wants to know what I am thinking right after I thought it.  One ca wait a week or two to see me, the other couldn't understand why I didn't want to be with him every night. 

The Principal has a nice place, very grown up and well decorated.  he showed me paintings and souvenirs he'd collected on his travels abroad for work.  I was floating along fairly numb trying to get a feel for him and what the hell we are attempting by spending time together.

The sushi place was a whole in the wall with great rolls and terrible customer service.  After being seated, the Princpal went into a monologue about his work.  There had been some gossip that the guy he worked with in South Africa wanted the Principal to replace the current retiring supply chain manager.  Naturally, this was all talk.  There hasn't even been a job posting.  It would be a major step up for him.  Spend two years in South Africa and have the opportunity to run a much larger portion of the world's supply chain.  He wouldn't get excited about it until it was verbally discussed with him by his boss.

I sat there drinking my beer, eating my sushi, and plotting his death.  had we driven separately to the restaurant I probably would have stood up and walked out.  Instead I sat there and allowed him to dig his own grave.  Back at his house he continued to talk, trying to entertain me with his stories but I wasn't in the mood.  I wasn't involved in anything he had to say therefore I ceased to give a fuck.  Did he ask my opinion or input?  No.  They never do.  Women serve one purpose for men = SEX.  And since I wasn't going to get any of that ever again in my life I decided to go home.

The Principal kissed me, we embraced.  Lovely really.  It never reached my nether regions, which after over a year of deprivation you would think it would get heated up over some light making out.....  Sigh.  I am broken.

I walked out the door, turned around and told the already closing door Merry Christmas.  Said door opens and Principal comes back for some kissing.  Pivotal moment.  He could have said something like "I will miss you when I'm away" or "You're beautiful" or "Stay".  But no.  He went back inside and shut the door again. 

The next day I embarked on my Christmas shopping and kept thinking over and over again about him moving.  Again.  How could he sit right in front of me talking about something like that, never considering how low it would make me feel?  Yet again, he is in the position to make me feel like an accessory.  Not worthy of, I don't know, staying in one place long enough to love me?  Does he think I will actually spend time with him if he's up for moving again?

I stewed for a bit, texted Julie about it, and finally decided to call he Principal.  We chit chatted a bit before I got to the reason I called. 

"So, I need to talk to you about the whole South Africa job possibility..."

"Yeah, I thought you might.  It really isn't much more than a rumor at this point.  I should know more next month."

"I understand that, but if taking an opportunity like this is something you would be excited about or consider then it is possible something else could materialize in 6 months or a year.  If you would be willing to pursue moving again I don't want to continue seeing each other."  There.

"I wouldn't ever want to put you in that position again.  Let's just have fun and see where this is going.  Priorities change.  Right now I am single, no kids or animals so moving is easy for me.  But 6 months from now who knows?"

"I understand that." 

But what I really wanted to say was:
"Fuck you.  So, let me get this straight.  If I make you want me enough then you will change your priorities?  You're a 37 year old man who has never been married, has no kids and you would consider moving to South Africa because you have nothing better going on in your life than a job?  What is the matter with you?  You'll never have those things if you don't make a fucking effort!  So let's lay this all out on the table.  Do you see a future with me at all?  And if so, why the hell would you think moving again would be acceptable to talk about?"

Of course I didn't say any of that. 

The Principal said he would call me the next day.  He didn't. 
Three days later I got a Merry Christmas text and I wanted to scream, but all the air has gone out.