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I sat around, wondering when the Principal would suggest we meet again. After exchanging his paperwork last week and having a surprisingly great time, I had heard NOTHING. I attempted to dial back my irritation by being realistic. Maybe it had meant nothing to him to see me again. It was just a pleasant night and that was it.
So I went about my life figuring the Principal was over me and I would probably not hear from him again.
Until Tuesday night, a week since we had drinks. I was watching The Walking Dead and drinking beer and minding my own business when my brain exploded. I wanted to know damn it! Why does it always have to be my mind working over drive? Why can't the Principal just tell me how he is feeling for once in his life?
Yes, I am a moron. I texted him. Testing the waters for something I don't even know if I want.
10:29pm
Me: Just wondering if it was weird for you meeting up with me last week...
I didn't expect to hear back that night and was starting to beat myself up about reaching out. Hadn't I learned from our previous relationship that I would ask, beg and fish for attention always left to wonder and wait.
The next day I hear back at 9:55am
Principal: If you're not busy tonight how bout I give you a call
Oh shit. My palms start sweating and I figure the Principal is going to tell me to leave him alone. He's just going to prove how mature he is by not texting drunk at 10:30 at night when there is less likelihood that anyone will respond. I am squirming in my chair staring at this stupid phone. And I AM busy tonight, I have a date with the Engineer.
Me: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have have asked that. I didn't mean to make it awkward. You can call me if you like, I will be home after 9.
No texts back. I dreaded driving home from my date at 9:10 that night. Would he call? Did he take my apology as a brush off? How, two years after we've been broken up I am already in this familiar, anxious place?
He called at 9:30 and we had a general conversation, but I was so nervous I thought I would laugh hysterically at any moment. Eventually, he got to the text. Probably thought he had disarmed me and could now go in for the kill.
Turns out, he wanted to explain how excited he was to see me last week. Kept telling himself to reign it back, take it slow. The Principal said he left our meeting with a "flood of emotions" and didn't sound sarcastic or like his throat caught on fire from the words. He goes on about thinking how he should ask me out to see The Hobbit, since we both like that stuff, or taking the dogs for a hike. He realized we couldn't jump back into things, but the fact that I said I wanted to hang out again brought back all of his old "feelings".
I was sitting there with my mouth open unable to respond.
The Principal was using foreign words comfortably. The story behind that was this: We broke up and he was stuck in a tiny town, for which he was later grateful. He had nothing to distract him, like he would have been in a city, and was forced to take a hard look at his flaws. There were some flaws that just make him who he is and some flaws he could work on to be a better person. He couldn't believe he had let something so stupid as talking about his "feelings" get in the way of a meaningful relationship or that he had been so selfish only talking about his move/work.
This new self evaluation made him remember the first time he had returned to my house after being in New Mexico and I had ran out of the house and jumped into his arms. Here, he had had someone so excited to see him that I ran to him. And then week by week my reaction had lessened because he wasn't returning the excitement. It made him sad.
Then, he had the opportunity to see me again after two years and was finally in a better place. When we had parted for the night the Principal had several scenarios running through his head.
1) Should he go in for a kiss or would I be offended?
2) Maybe a peck on the cheek?
3) Friendly hug? (Which ended up being the one he went for)
We laughed and he kept saying the words "emotions" and "feelings" and even though he wasn't good at talking about them he vowed to himself he would change that flaw. I asked if he was a pod person.
My head was reeling by his sincerity. The fact the Principal could acknowledge he had needed to change and would not have had that opportunity if I hadn't broken things off when I did. He said it all very matter of fact, not like he was feeding me a line.
We agreed to go to dinner on Friday night.
"So.... Can I ask you an awkward question?"
"You can ask me anything you want." He says in a very sober voice.
"Does this mean you are trying to date me?" Small voice, wanting to hide under a rock....
"Yes, yes it does."
"OK, I just wanted to be clear on that. Make sure you make plans and call me in advance." He laughs manically.
"I can do that!"
We'll see.............
Monday, December 31, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Date withe the Engineer
Hi... it's The Engineer. Since you are going to drive to the restaurant, I figured I would send the info via text. Meet me (wed 7pm) at The Grill... 555 W Chandler Blvd ..... it is outside of the Chandler Mall on the south side of Chandler Blvd. It is N/NW of the actual mall. Since this text was all just boring info, I'll send you another text that I wrote to one of my friends who hadn't been texting me back.
Followed by:
I'm an abandoned puppy outside in the cold.... the temperature is dropping fast and the last rays of sunshine are disappearing in the horizon .... oh wait, there's one house off in the distance.... the light is on.... smoke is curling out of the chimney from a warm crackling firer.... if only they would open the door and let me in......
Okay, I'm just going to start with the first text and work my way from there. I had met the Engineer aka Young Guy at a bar a couple days before. We agreed to dinner the following Wednesday and he picked a nicer, more costly place to go. The first text was obviously an extremely detailed explanation of where it was. It took me a few minutes to process how exact he felt he needed to explain this for me. But smart people are often weird so I let it slide.
The second text... Umm, OK. I don't really understand your sense of humor. Maybe this was the funniest text you've ever sent so you are attaching it to your dating resume'?
Me: Lol! Did you get a response?
Engineer: They said they couldn't stop laughing .... and they texted as soon as they were physically able to.
How do I respond to this?
Me: Well it was a very heart wrenching text!
Engineer: I like to see and express mannerisms and expressions. I am a very visual person and I think that comes across in my writing. I can't help it.... or maybe I enjoy it. It's probably a blend of the two.
WTF? Maybe in text he just comes across a little awkward.... Well, we continue to text and he continued to answer a novella each time. Reserve judgement until you go on a date, everyone keeps telling me. Fine! But if I become another serial killer statistic I am not going to be pleased and may choose to quit dating all together, FOREVER.
Wednesday, the pre-date ritual starts. Rush home from work , shower, blow dry hair, curl ends while applying my makeup. Choose an outfit. Try on. Decide it makes me look fat. Rip it off and throw it at an animal. Try on another one. Repeat. Finally I am out the door and driving to the precisely pinpointed location of my date with the Engineer.
He is waiting out front and tells me he came early to get our name in. OK, that is thoughtful. But when he sits I see his slacks are a couple inches too short and he's wearing a gold chain. We remained outside and chatted for 40 freaking cold minutes waiting for a table. This is Chandler? Why the hell are there people out on a Wednesday night? And why not suggest sitting at the bar for a beer while we wait?
Instead we make idle chit chat while sitting uncomfortably on a bench. He gets frustrated with the way he is sitting and makes me switch sides with him. For some odd reason the Engineer spent 10 minutes explaining why carbs and sugar were the death of him, but I never really got an answer. He loves Mountain Dew, but stays away from it. Does it make you sick? Are you just being health conscious? Diabetes? Did you used to be fat?
There are no pauses because he talks a constant stream of run on sentences. The Engineer has ADHD with topics and I keep reminding him to go back to one he veered away from. I talked about myself a total of 5 minutes throughout the date. One instance I spoke of my upcoming job interview in Denver which I spent more time explaining that I was not moving to Denver than the actual job opportunity.
I asked twice what he does for fun during the week. The Engineer turned red and explained he does homework, or at least helps his 11 year old son with his. The red turns to purple as he goes into why he is a single father- Divorce, was married 8 years- and has full custody - Ex just isn't that into being a mother, has another kid from previous relationship who moved in with his father out of state after the divorce. No need for me to ask questions, he goes straight into the details. The Engineer can't even look me in the eye as he mentions that he and his son live with his parents for now, helping them out as they are getting older and they can babysit.
Just keep nodding. Insert smile. I silently listen and squeeze my leg under the table. When he talks, he doesn't eat. Should I keep eating? I do, but then it gets awkward again because there is less food on my plate and his plate looks untouched because he can't seem to eat and talk in pauses. Normally, you talk about you then ask a question so you can eat while the other talks. You volley back and forth yet still have a conversation AND a meal. Not the Engineer, apparently. Nor did he notice the 5 times the waitress came by to see if we were done or the manager who stopped by to ask if the meal was all right.
When he talked about his child he referred to him as "My kid", not Tommy or Joe, just "my kid." His "kid" wasn't as gifted in sports as he had been, conversation segued for 15 minutes into his athleticism during high school and genius in college. Back to the kid, he isn't very gifted so he's involved in piano and violin. Ummm...
In reality, the date only lasted 2 hours from start to end, but it felt like an eternity. He very sweetly asked if he could pay the bill, understanding that I am a very independent woman. After all, I insisted on driving myself. I told him that wasn't independence, I was just smart enough not to tell a stranger where I live.
We exited the table, the Engineer walking a few feet behind. He asks my back if I want to go out with him again... before we are even close to the door. I'm pretty sure the people at the surrounding tables heard. I smile back at him and say sure, even though I really don't want to.
I have to walk to his car where he gives me some organic dog treats he bought for my beasties to say thank you for sharing me. Very thoughtful. I hug him, he smiles at me, shifts his weight from foot to foot as if trying to evaluate whether or not a kiss would be well received. I wait a beat. Then another. God, I have had enough of this! I say goodnight and walk back to my car. If the night had a theme song it would be that sad/annoying sound when something goes wrong in a sitcom. Wah-wah-waaaah....
The Engineer was nice and thoughtful. Too bad I am just not into him.
Engineer: I had a really fun time last night. I enjoyed learning more about you and sharing my life. Thanks for everything..... I checked out the Mumford & Sons song we talked about..... definitely a tiny touch of blue... digging the banjo.
Me: Thank you again for dinner last night and the dog treats were so thoughtful! Glad you liked the song :-)
And I haven't heard from him in almost a week. Hopefully, he can just fade away so I don't have to explain myself.
Sigh, maybe my ability to date is broken?
Followed by:
I'm an abandoned puppy outside in the cold.... the temperature is dropping fast and the last rays of sunshine are disappearing in the horizon .... oh wait, there's one house off in the distance.... the light is on.... smoke is curling out of the chimney from a warm crackling firer.... if only they would open the door and let me in......
Okay, I'm just going to start with the first text and work my way from there. I had met the Engineer aka Young Guy at a bar a couple days before. We agreed to dinner the following Wednesday and he picked a nicer, more costly place to go. The first text was obviously an extremely detailed explanation of where it was. It took me a few minutes to process how exact he felt he needed to explain this for me. But smart people are often weird so I let it slide.
The second text... Umm, OK. I don't really understand your sense of humor. Maybe this was the funniest text you've ever sent so you are attaching it to your dating resume'?
Me: Lol! Did you get a response?
Engineer: They said they couldn't stop laughing .... and they texted as soon as they were physically able to.
How do I respond to this?
Me: Well it was a very heart wrenching text!
Engineer: I like to see and express mannerisms and expressions. I am a very visual person and I think that comes across in my writing. I can't help it.... or maybe I enjoy it. It's probably a blend of the two.
WTF? Maybe in text he just comes across a little awkward.... Well, we continue to text and he continued to answer a novella each time. Reserve judgement until you go on a date, everyone keeps telling me. Fine! But if I become another serial killer statistic I am not going to be pleased and may choose to quit dating all together, FOREVER.
Wednesday, the pre-date ritual starts. Rush home from work , shower, blow dry hair, curl ends while applying my makeup. Choose an outfit. Try on. Decide it makes me look fat. Rip it off and throw it at an animal. Try on another one. Repeat. Finally I am out the door and driving to the precisely pinpointed location of my date with the Engineer.
He is waiting out front and tells me he came early to get our name in. OK, that is thoughtful. But when he sits I see his slacks are a couple inches too short and he's wearing a gold chain. We remained outside and chatted for 40 freaking cold minutes waiting for a table. This is Chandler? Why the hell are there people out on a Wednesday night? And why not suggest sitting at the bar for a beer while we wait?
Instead we make idle chit chat while sitting uncomfortably on a bench. He gets frustrated with the way he is sitting and makes me switch sides with him. For some odd reason the Engineer spent 10 minutes explaining why carbs and sugar were the death of him, but I never really got an answer. He loves Mountain Dew, but stays away from it. Does it make you sick? Are you just being health conscious? Diabetes? Did you used to be fat?
There are no pauses because he talks a constant stream of run on sentences. The Engineer has ADHD with topics and I keep reminding him to go back to one he veered away from. I talked about myself a total of 5 minutes throughout the date. One instance I spoke of my upcoming job interview in Denver which I spent more time explaining that I was not moving to Denver than the actual job opportunity.
I asked twice what he does for fun during the week. The Engineer turned red and explained he does homework, or at least helps his 11 year old son with his. The red turns to purple as he goes into why he is a single father- Divorce, was married 8 years- and has full custody - Ex just isn't that into being a mother, has another kid from previous relationship who moved in with his father out of state after the divorce. No need for me to ask questions, he goes straight into the details. The Engineer can't even look me in the eye as he mentions that he and his son live with his parents for now, helping them out as they are getting older and they can babysit.
Just keep nodding. Insert smile. I silently listen and squeeze my leg under the table. When he talks, he doesn't eat. Should I keep eating? I do, but then it gets awkward again because there is less food on my plate and his plate looks untouched because he can't seem to eat and talk in pauses. Normally, you talk about you then ask a question so you can eat while the other talks. You volley back and forth yet still have a conversation AND a meal. Not the Engineer, apparently. Nor did he notice the 5 times the waitress came by to see if we were done or the manager who stopped by to ask if the meal was all right.
When he talked about his child he referred to him as "My kid", not Tommy or Joe, just "my kid." His "kid" wasn't as gifted in sports as he had been, conversation segued for 15 minutes into his athleticism during high school and genius in college. Back to the kid, he isn't very gifted so he's involved in piano and violin. Ummm...
In reality, the date only lasted 2 hours from start to end, but it felt like an eternity. He very sweetly asked if he could pay the bill, understanding that I am a very independent woman. After all, I insisted on driving myself. I told him that wasn't independence, I was just smart enough not to tell a stranger where I live.
We exited the table, the Engineer walking a few feet behind. He asks my back if I want to go out with him again... before we are even close to the door. I'm pretty sure the people at the surrounding tables heard. I smile back at him and say sure, even though I really don't want to.
I have to walk to his car where he gives me some organic dog treats he bought for my beasties to say thank you for sharing me. Very thoughtful. I hug him, he smiles at me, shifts his weight from foot to foot as if trying to evaluate whether or not a kiss would be well received. I wait a beat. Then another. God, I have had enough of this! I say goodnight and walk back to my car. If the night had a theme song it would be that sad/annoying sound when something goes wrong in a sitcom. Wah-wah-waaaah....
The Engineer was nice and thoughtful. Too bad I am just not into him.
Engineer: I had a really fun time last night. I enjoyed learning more about you and sharing my life. Thanks for everything..... I checked out the Mumford & Sons song we talked about..... definitely a tiny touch of blue... digging the banjo.
Me: Thank you again for dinner last night and the dog treats were so thoughtful! Glad you liked the song :-)
And I haven't heard from him in almost a week. Hopefully, he can just fade away so I don't have to explain myself.
Sigh, maybe my ability to date is broken?
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Young Guy Actually Calls
I stumbled into work this morning wondering why I bothered. A handful of calls and NOTHING to do seems like a real moneymaker Corporate America! I passed the time talking to the select few who were forced to work one Saturday a month and trying to take a nap.
Blissfully I arrived home 7 hours later after texting my boss constantly through his golf game regarding the fact that Satan must miss his right hand demon who eats kittens for breakfast while playing golf making his slaves work pointlessly at an insufferable job on a SATURDAY.
So I got comfy and started writing. I was considering texting the Principal but punched myself in the eye for even contemplating the idea. Then, surprisigly, Young Guy called. I wasn't expecting to ever hear from him. I mean we met at a bar for fuck's sake! People sober up and go "What the hell was I thinking?" so it would be completely understandable if I never heard from him again. But there was my phone, buzzing angrily with an incoming call.
Young Guy sounded nervous. He wanted to take me to dinner this week and while he wasn't sure yet where to take me he wanted to nail down a day and time. Ok. Guys really do that? Wednesday? Ok. He tried to get off the phone but I started asking about his weekend. Oh just the norm. Spent the day cleaning up his parents' yard, they're getting older and he wants to help. People do that? Been at his job 6 years, loves it. Laughed at the crazy antics of both our groups of friends. His friends had laughed about me wanting to know whether or not he was a douche bag. Said he really liked meeting me and wanted to talk more face to face so he could see my reactions.
Next steps? He said he would call me Monday or Tuesday so he could get my address to pick me up. Ummm... at what age do we forget the whole "don't let strangers know where you live" rule? I told him I would meet him. Well, he would just call me Monday or Tuesday to set a place and hear my voice again. That should be sweet right? So I said "aww." Young Guy ended the call because he wanted us to have more to talk about face to face. Maybe he is a serial killer?
I hung up. Huh. This guy wants to go out with me. I wasn't looking, not sure I want, and here is a free cheeseburger. Do women have to give up completely before they become noticeable? At any rate, I will be going out with a nice looking guy who is 35 with a ten? year old kid on Wednesday.
Blissfully I arrived home 7 hours later after texting my boss constantly through his golf game regarding the fact that Satan must miss his right hand demon who eats kittens for breakfast while playing golf making his slaves work pointlessly at an insufferable job on a SATURDAY.
So I got comfy and started writing. I was considering texting the Principal but punched myself in the eye for even contemplating the idea. Then, surprisigly, Young Guy called. I wasn't expecting to ever hear from him. I mean we met at a bar for fuck's sake! People sober up and go "What the hell was I thinking?" so it would be completely understandable if I never heard from him again. But there was my phone, buzzing angrily with an incoming call.
Young Guy sounded nervous. He wanted to take me to dinner this week and while he wasn't sure yet where to take me he wanted to nail down a day and time. Ok. Guys really do that? Wednesday? Ok. He tried to get off the phone but I started asking about his weekend. Oh just the norm. Spent the day cleaning up his parents' yard, they're getting older and he wants to help. People do that? Been at his job 6 years, loves it. Laughed at the crazy antics of both our groups of friends. His friends had laughed about me wanting to know whether or not he was a douche bag. Said he really liked meeting me and wanted to talk more face to face so he could see my reactions.
Next steps? He said he would call me Monday or Tuesday so he could get my address to pick me up. Ummm... at what age do we forget the whole "don't let strangers know where you live" rule? I told him I would meet him. Well, he would just call me Monday or Tuesday to set a place and hear my voice again. That should be sweet right? So I said "aww." Young Guy ended the call because he wanted us to have more to talk about face to face. Maybe he is a serial killer?
I hung up. Huh. This guy wants to go out with me. I wasn't looking, not sure I want, and here is a free cheeseburger. Do women have to give up completely before they become noticeable? At any rate, I will be going out with a nice looking guy who is 35 with a ten? year old kid on Wednesday.
Reuniting with the Girls
I hadn't realized how fast time can fly when you are so focused on dating. You miss out on your friends, feeling good, and actually living. Kelly, Julie and I had worked together years ago and became close friends in the process. Julie and I bonded over our breakups right before she changed jobs. Kelly was my cheerleader when I started dating again and supported me through losing my dad. I helped her through her emotional roller coaster with a schizo male infant.
We all ended up working away from each other and getting into relationships that took us even farther away mentally. Before we knew it, our daily interactions moved to weekly, monthly, quarterly, then bi-annually. It didn't seem that long, because we had our heads up our asses. Kelly and I were closer when we worked together, but afterward Julie and I were in closer contact.
Julie and I have been pretty much been attached at the hip for the past few months while she's been mentally raped by the man she hoped to marry. (I say this lovingly, Jules, regardless of how he may be a nice guy who unfortunately has issues, he has fucked you up.)
Anyway, Julie wanted to get together for a drink at Whole Foods last night. Sigh. I agreed to go after yoga for one beer, then home because I was scheduled to work Saturday. Then I hear Kelly will join us, which makes my heart sing! It has been close to six months since I've talked to her. (Grad school often gets in the way) Then it dawns on me.... It has been 2 years since all three of us have gotten together!
Kelly is still the same. She's an over-achiever, looking to relocate to Dallas because she reunited with her "first" 3 months ago. She's looking into getting a regional job out there so she isn't just moving for the guy. I had forgotten how they can get together. Both type A, interrupting each other and changing one another's subjects so fast, but never forgetting to go back to what they were talking about. I just sat back and enjoyed laughing at them.
Before we were getting ready to leave, I noticed a cute brewer who was noticing me. Stupidly I mentioned it to Julie who promptly became a bloodhound. Kelly got up and acted like she was going to go grab him. I was on the brink of a heart attack before she sat down cackling at my horror. I'd forgotten what a good actress she can be. The hunt still continued for Julie, however, as we were walking out she spotted the dude and all but ran after him. Long story short... He's married and has 3 kids under the age of 4. Julie later commented that he was a fuckwad for not wearing his ring. She's always ruining my guy watching by talking to them.
As we head into the parking lot Julie asks "Are we heading home?" which Kelly firmly answers "No." What?!? She has to work tomorrow too and it's already past 10pm! I hang my head. I should have remembered that going out for one drink with Kelly was a fictional concept. I followed them to another bar where I had a brief flashback from high school of follow the leader to desert parties. More beer. More talking over one another. I got made fun of for folding my legs up under me on the bar stool (thank you yoga).
Kelly got spiritual. Julie and I on either side of her managed to keep respectful faces, bobbing our heads in agreement. The ex who broke Julie's heart hadn't believed she was coming out with us that night and started calling her over and over. I tried to climb over Kelly to grab that damned device out of Julie's hand and tell the dude to fuck off for not trusting my friend but was fended off with a shove and Julie telling me not to be like my mother. If I'd had balls, they would have been kicked. But it was all out of love.
I sat out on the patio while they talked at each other about completely different subjects all at the same time. Curled up in half lotus in a chair, an old guy and a young guy asked if they could join me. Whatever. I was thoroughly enjoying the mayhem of my evening out with the girls. The guys started talking to me and it was like "Oh, they didn't just want to sit at the table?" The old guy was hilarious thinking I was 23. Best. Guy. Ever. "No, really. I'm 31." Maybe I should wear skinny jeans more often...
At any rate, the crazy continued, I got into my nicely buzzed social place and talked to people. Julie and Kelly cracked me up.
Then it happened. Old Guy wanted to let me know that Young Guy was too shy to ask me out. Remember, I am in a nicely buzzed place place so I generally say whatever the hell I feel like.
Old Guy: Would you be interested in him?
Me: I don't really date. It's a lot of work.
Old Guy laughs hysterically.
Me: Is he a douche bag? Because I'm warning you, I have mace in my purse.
This is a lie, but I point at my big bag as if that will convince him.
Old Guy: No! He's a nice guy! He's just very shy.
Me: They all say they're nice guys.
Old Guy's Equally Old Brother: He's an engineer! They make a good a living, you know.
I gave him a very pointed look.
Me: That doesn't matter.
Old Guy's Equally Old Brother: Of course that matters!
More pointed look associated with saucy head wiggle.
Me: No. It doesn't. I can make my own money, thank you very much.
Old Guy to Brother and Most Interesting Man in the World Look-Alike: He will really like her! She's sarcastic!
Me: How many kids does he have?
This becoming a prerequisite question at my age and I fucking hate it.
Old Guy: He has one. A boy. I think he's 10?
Me: He's your friend and you don't even know how old his kid is?
Old Guy: Come on... Just give him your number?
So I was lead outside before I could change my mind. Old Guy called Young Guy over to me and we huddled while Old Guy explained how he told me about Young Guy's being interested but shy and all that. I'm trying really hard and probably unsuccessfully not to roll my eyes. Young Guy puts his hand on my shoulder to apologize, reassuring me that he hadn't meant for someone else to do his talking and he would really like to go out with me if I was interested in him. It wasn't douchey so I gave my number and promised to answer if he called.
At this point the bloodhound barges outside, sees what is going on and eyes Young Guy critically. Julie begins to interrogate both parties while I try not to giggle at the absurdity of the evening. I had been laid back, minding my own business and now "Mom" was trying to judge how shitfaced my suitor was while weaving a bit herself.
I am standing back enjoying the show thinking "Wow. So if you decided you want to stop dating men will ask you out and your friends will cock block you every step of the way."
Waking up, still partially inebriated the next morning I didn't care if Young Guy called me. After all, "they" say you will never meet your soul mate at a bar.
Four hours later I get a text
Julie: So the funniest part of my nite was when my phone rang and this woman who loves me tried to hurdle over a bar stool to answer it with the look of fire in her eyes... lol
Me: Haha! Sorry about that :/
Julie: I loved it, u r totally my sibling
Me: Lol! I've been so good at being supportive, I deserved one night of acting crazy in your defense :-)
Julie: Haha totally! It was great, reminded me of any one of my siblings. Including me!]
Me: Yeah, but you would have been worse!
Julie: Hell yeah
Back to Beyonce:
Who Run the World?
Girls!
We all ended up working away from each other and getting into relationships that took us even farther away mentally. Before we knew it, our daily interactions moved to weekly, monthly, quarterly, then bi-annually. It didn't seem that long, because we had our heads up our asses. Kelly and I were closer when we worked together, but afterward Julie and I were in closer contact.
Julie and I have been pretty much been attached at the hip for the past few months while she's been mentally raped by the man she hoped to marry. (I say this lovingly, Jules, regardless of how he may be a nice guy who unfortunately has issues, he has fucked you up.)
Anyway, Julie wanted to get together for a drink at Whole Foods last night. Sigh. I agreed to go after yoga for one beer, then home because I was scheduled to work Saturday. Then I hear Kelly will join us, which makes my heart sing! It has been close to six months since I've talked to her. (Grad school often gets in the way) Then it dawns on me.... It has been 2 years since all three of us have gotten together!
Kelly is still the same. She's an over-achiever, looking to relocate to Dallas because she reunited with her "first" 3 months ago. She's looking into getting a regional job out there so she isn't just moving for the guy. I had forgotten how they can get together. Both type A, interrupting each other and changing one another's subjects so fast, but never forgetting to go back to what they were talking about. I just sat back and enjoyed laughing at them.
Before we were getting ready to leave, I noticed a cute brewer who was noticing me. Stupidly I mentioned it to Julie who promptly became a bloodhound. Kelly got up and acted like she was going to go grab him. I was on the brink of a heart attack before she sat down cackling at my horror. I'd forgotten what a good actress she can be. The hunt still continued for Julie, however, as we were walking out she spotted the dude and all but ran after him. Long story short... He's married and has 3 kids under the age of 4. Julie later commented that he was a fuckwad for not wearing his ring. She's always ruining my guy watching by talking to them.
As we head into the parking lot Julie asks "Are we heading home?" which Kelly firmly answers "No." What?!? She has to work tomorrow too and it's already past 10pm! I hang my head. I should have remembered that going out for one drink with Kelly was a fictional concept. I followed them to another bar where I had a brief flashback from high school of follow the leader to desert parties. More beer. More talking over one another. I got made fun of for folding my legs up under me on the bar stool (thank you yoga).
Kelly got spiritual. Julie and I on either side of her managed to keep respectful faces, bobbing our heads in agreement. The ex who broke Julie's heart hadn't believed she was coming out with us that night and started calling her over and over. I tried to climb over Kelly to grab that damned device out of Julie's hand and tell the dude to fuck off for not trusting my friend but was fended off with a shove and Julie telling me not to be like my mother. If I'd had balls, they would have been kicked. But it was all out of love.
I sat out on the patio while they talked at each other about completely different subjects all at the same time. Curled up in half lotus in a chair, an old guy and a young guy asked if they could join me. Whatever. I was thoroughly enjoying the mayhem of my evening out with the girls. The guys started talking to me and it was like "Oh, they didn't just want to sit at the table?" The old guy was hilarious thinking I was 23. Best. Guy. Ever. "No, really. I'm 31." Maybe I should wear skinny jeans more often...
At any rate, the crazy continued, I got into my nicely buzzed social place and talked to people. Julie and Kelly cracked me up.
Then it happened. Old Guy wanted to let me know that Young Guy was too shy to ask me out. Remember, I am in a nicely buzzed place place so I generally say whatever the hell I feel like.
Old Guy: Would you be interested in him?
Me: I don't really date. It's a lot of work.
Old Guy laughs hysterically.
Me: Is he a douche bag? Because I'm warning you, I have mace in my purse.
This is a lie, but I point at my big bag as if that will convince him.
Old Guy: No! He's a nice guy! He's just very shy.
Me: They all say they're nice guys.
Old Guy's Equally Old Brother: He's an engineer! They make a good a living, you know.
I gave him a very pointed look.
Me: That doesn't matter.
Old Guy's Equally Old Brother: Of course that matters!
More pointed look associated with saucy head wiggle.
Me: No. It doesn't. I can make my own money, thank you very much.
Old Guy to Brother and Most Interesting Man in the World Look-Alike: He will really like her! She's sarcastic!
Me: How many kids does he have?
This becoming a prerequisite question at my age and I fucking hate it.
Old Guy: He has one. A boy. I think he's 10?
Me: He's your friend and you don't even know how old his kid is?
Old Guy: Come on... Just give him your number?
So I was lead outside before I could change my mind. Old Guy called Young Guy over to me and we huddled while Old Guy explained how he told me about Young Guy's being interested but shy and all that. I'm trying really hard and probably unsuccessfully not to roll my eyes. Young Guy puts his hand on my shoulder to apologize, reassuring me that he hadn't meant for someone else to do his talking and he would really like to go out with me if I was interested in him. It wasn't douchey so I gave my number and promised to answer if he called.
At this point the bloodhound barges outside, sees what is going on and eyes Young Guy critically. Julie begins to interrogate both parties while I try not to giggle at the absurdity of the evening. I had been laid back, minding my own business and now "Mom" was trying to judge how shitfaced my suitor was while weaving a bit herself.
I am standing back enjoying the show thinking "Wow. So if you decided you want to stop dating men will ask you out and your friends will cock block you every step of the way."
Waking up, still partially inebriated the next morning I didn't care if Young Guy called me. After all, "they" say you will never meet your soul mate at a bar.
Four hours later I get a text
Julie: So the funniest part of my nite was when my phone rang and this woman who loves me tried to hurdle over a bar stool to answer it with the look of fire in her eyes... lol
Me: Haha! Sorry about that :/
Julie: I loved it, u r totally my sibling
Me: Lol! I've been so good at being supportive, I deserved one night of acting crazy in your defense :-)
Julie: Haha totally! It was great, reminded me of any one of my siblings. Including me!]
Me: Yeah, but you would have been worse!
Julie: Hell yeah
Back to Beyonce:
Who Run the World?
Girls!
Contact with The Principal Again
A few weeks ago after many failed Internet attempts, missing Work Guy, agonizing over what went wrong with The Principal, and trying to help Julie through her bad breakup I called The Principal and left a voice message asking if he wanted me to mail his house title paperwork to him... I found it in the spare bedroom, sneakily hiding in a dresser with his passport. He must need this shit, right? So I looked up his number and called. Voicemail, of course. No response, of course. Not that I could blame him considering the last time I texted him over a year ago he'd told me he was in a "bad place" and it would be better if I stopped contacting him.
Three weeks later I am in LA with Meggie and Jeff and get a response, sooooooooooooo Principal.
He has relocated to Phoenix and can meet me or I can mail his stuff, whatever is easiest... He's back. My stomach rolls. I feel light headed and fail to interact with those around me. It is a funny sort of death when an ex resurfaces.
At the airport I call him back and we agree to meet the following day after my job interview in Arcadia. I have no freaking time to prepare! No time to lose weight or get my hair done! WTF is wrong with me? The only silver lining would be the fact that I will be decked out for my interview and look my best.
Next day I have to wait until late afternoon for my interview, a chance at last to escape the hellhole I currently am chained to. Beside myself with worry about what to say, how to say it, whether they would be interested in, if this is the type of company I might want to work for and full of anxiety over being face to face with The Principal again, every part of me was tied up in itty bitty knots. Then it occurred to me, I would get the job or not, but I feared having the Principal taking his paperwork only to turn heel and walk away from me. Rejection is a stinker.
I texted Principal about our meeting:
Me: Hi, Do you want to grab a drink and get your paperwork or just meet some place to grab and go?
Principal: Drink sounds great. Have a place in mind?
I know it is text but is it just me or does he not seem too excited about the idea of getting a drink(singular)?
Me: Great. No idea on place. I would be coming from Arcadia. Any suggestions?
Principal: So your around camelback?
The fact that he miss-spelled you're made me think of Work Guy and feel queasy.
Me: Yep.
Principal: Rosie McAffrey's is on 10th and camelback.
Yeah, I know where it is, asshole. It's where we had our first date and our one year anniversary. Is he being ironic or nostalgic or just simply forgot because it hadn't really mattered?
Me: Sounds good.
I walked into the interview right on time to meet the CEO and VP of Sales from a small senior living company planning to open a new community in Arcadia. I was slightly nervous, but the type of nerves I have a tendency to get when forced to speak with strangers about how great I think I am. I gave honest answers about how much I loved the work I used to do and felt I would be successful doing it again. I got a "You're not married?!" from the VP when I talked about having a very quiet social life. Normally, I would never admit this, but I felt GREAT about the meeting. Knowing that they may very well choose someone more qualified with better connections wasn't lost on me. However, when you leave an interview talking about common interests outside of business you kind of feel like you hit it home.
Walking out of the hotel conference area I was given the once over by several men. Obviously I picked the proper outfit for meeting with an ex. Slinky dress, that could be pulled straight to be appropriate for a work function or ruched up a bit to be funky. Black tights with a vertical pattern to make my legs look longer. High heels. Standard blown out hair, not trying too hard but simple. I felt good, so why was my stomach threatening to drop every 30 seconds?
When I walked onto the patio at Rosie's my heart fluttered. There was the Principal smiling up. He looked the same, maybe a little leaner in the face. Best of all, he didn't look like he hated me. On the contrary, he appeared very pleased to see me. Told me I look great. Hugged me earnestly. Hmmm, don't start analyzing....
He launched into his life right away. Had volunteered with his company to go to Africa to help with some software update, anything to get out of New Mexico, and it had yielded him a promotion that brought him back to Phoenix in July. Now he travels the world to help trouble shoot and launch new software. This explains why it took him 3 weeks to respond to my voicemail. He is happy. Angus was boarded with a guy back in New Mexico who fell in love with him and the Principal let him stay. No mention of any relationship. people don't normally say they are blatantly single but will usually bring up a current girlfriend while having drinks(plural) with an ex, right?
I talked about my life for a while. All in all it was a good conversation and we stayed a lot longer than I thought we would with out any type of awkwardness.
Now I will analyze:
He brought up how people can change and about telling me he was in a bad place, drinking too much for a while after we broke up.
I was blatant about how unhappy I would have been in New Mexico.
He apologized about his difficulties talking about emotions.
I expressed my belief that people either settle for a relationship in order to not be alone, find someone they can be a partner with or chose to wait.
He insisted on buying the drinks, and urged me to stay for another.
It was very casual talk, but was there something underneath it? I don't know why I bother to think about these things at all.
He walked me to my car where I produced his stuff. Another earnest hug. The Principal said "This was fun" and for some unknown reason I said "Yeah, it was." (and I meant it) "Let me know if you want to get together again sometime" (and I meant that too, much to my surprise.)
I drove home wondering why I had put that out there. Did I want to hang out with him again? Could we be just friends? Would I want more? Would he? Is that a good idea after the way our last relationship went? I decided just to go with the flow. Right, like I can do that.
Me: Thank you for hanging out. I was worried about it, but it was fun :-)
Principal: I hope to be able to do it again :-) minus the worrying as I had it just as much
Such a quick response from him made me wonder if people can change... "hope to be able to do it again" Does that mean he is going to ask me out, or what? Do I expect something?
Me: Absolutely :-) Glad it wasn't just me!
I hadn't expected to hear anything from the job interview for at least a week. When I got home from yoga Thursday night I had a voicemail from the VP of Sales asking that I give her a call back. She informed me that they were very impressed by me, loved my personality and what I had to say. They wanted to fly me to Colorado to do a final interview and so I could see their communities. After I got off the phone I jumped up and down like a complete spaz! They liked me! They really, really liked me! I am going back to making lots of money again! In a state of bliss I called my mom and texted every person in my phone, including the Principal. I was so hyper excited I barely slept at all that night, tossing and turning, mentally preparing for a job I didn't have yet but was now confident I wanted and would get. The only down side was that the Principal didn't bother to text back for 12 hours.
And I haven't heard from him since. I guess I read him wrong. If he was even entertaining the notion of reuniting, wouldn't he have asked me out again? Here I sit on a Saturday afternoon with nothing to do and he's probably doing the same. Even if he was bored, wouldn't he want to call me?
No. The Principal would never think like that. People never change.
Three weeks later I am in LA with Meggie and Jeff and get a response, sooooooooooooo Principal.
He has relocated to Phoenix and can meet me or I can mail his stuff, whatever is easiest... He's back. My stomach rolls. I feel light headed and fail to interact with those around me. It is a funny sort of death when an ex resurfaces.
At the airport I call him back and we agree to meet the following day after my job interview in Arcadia. I have no freaking time to prepare! No time to lose weight or get my hair done! WTF is wrong with me? The only silver lining would be the fact that I will be decked out for my interview and look my best.
Next day I have to wait until late afternoon for my interview, a chance at last to escape the hellhole I currently am chained to. Beside myself with worry about what to say, how to say it, whether they would be interested in, if this is the type of company I might want to work for and full of anxiety over being face to face with The Principal again, every part of me was tied up in itty bitty knots. Then it occurred to me, I would get the job or not, but I feared having the Principal taking his paperwork only to turn heel and walk away from me. Rejection is a stinker.
I texted Principal about our meeting:
Me: Hi, Do you want to grab a drink and get your paperwork or just meet some place to grab and go?
Principal: Drink sounds great. Have a place in mind?
I know it is text but is it just me or does he not seem too excited about the idea of getting a drink(singular)?
Me: Great. No idea on place. I would be coming from Arcadia. Any suggestions?
Principal: So your around camelback?
The fact that he miss-spelled you're made me think of Work Guy and feel queasy.
Me: Yep.
Principal: Rosie McAffrey's is on 10th and camelback.
Yeah, I know where it is, asshole. It's where we had our first date and our one year anniversary. Is he being ironic or nostalgic or just simply forgot because it hadn't really mattered?
Me: Sounds good.
I walked into the interview right on time to meet the CEO and VP of Sales from a small senior living company planning to open a new community in Arcadia. I was slightly nervous, but the type of nerves I have a tendency to get when forced to speak with strangers about how great I think I am. I gave honest answers about how much I loved the work I used to do and felt I would be successful doing it again. I got a "You're not married?!" from the VP when I talked about having a very quiet social life. Normally, I would never admit this, but I felt GREAT about the meeting. Knowing that they may very well choose someone more qualified with better connections wasn't lost on me. However, when you leave an interview talking about common interests outside of business you kind of feel like you hit it home.
Walking out of the hotel conference area I was given the once over by several men. Obviously I picked the proper outfit for meeting with an ex. Slinky dress, that could be pulled straight to be appropriate for a work function or ruched up a bit to be funky. Black tights with a vertical pattern to make my legs look longer. High heels. Standard blown out hair, not trying too hard but simple. I felt good, so why was my stomach threatening to drop every 30 seconds?
When I walked onto the patio at Rosie's my heart fluttered. There was the Principal smiling up. He looked the same, maybe a little leaner in the face. Best of all, he didn't look like he hated me. On the contrary, he appeared very pleased to see me. Told me I look great. Hugged me earnestly. Hmmm, don't start analyzing....
He launched into his life right away. Had volunteered with his company to go to Africa to help with some software update, anything to get out of New Mexico, and it had yielded him a promotion that brought him back to Phoenix in July. Now he travels the world to help trouble shoot and launch new software. This explains why it took him 3 weeks to respond to my voicemail. He is happy. Angus was boarded with a guy back in New Mexico who fell in love with him and the Principal let him stay. No mention of any relationship. people don't normally say they are blatantly single but will usually bring up a current girlfriend while having drinks(plural) with an ex, right?
I talked about my life for a while. All in all it was a good conversation and we stayed a lot longer than I thought we would with out any type of awkwardness.
Now I will analyze:
He brought up how people can change and about telling me he was in a bad place, drinking too much for a while after we broke up.
I was blatant about how unhappy I would have been in New Mexico.
He apologized about his difficulties talking about emotions.
I expressed my belief that people either settle for a relationship in order to not be alone, find someone they can be a partner with or chose to wait.
He insisted on buying the drinks, and urged me to stay for another.
It was very casual talk, but was there something underneath it? I don't know why I bother to think about these things at all.
He walked me to my car where I produced his stuff. Another earnest hug. The Principal said "This was fun" and for some unknown reason I said "Yeah, it was." (and I meant it) "Let me know if you want to get together again sometime" (and I meant that too, much to my surprise.)
I drove home wondering why I had put that out there. Did I want to hang out with him again? Could we be just friends? Would I want more? Would he? Is that a good idea after the way our last relationship went? I decided just to go with the flow. Right, like I can do that.
Me: Thank you for hanging out. I was worried about it, but it was fun :-)
Principal: I hope to be able to do it again :-) minus the worrying as I had it just as much
Such a quick response from him made me wonder if people can change... "hope to be able to do it again" Does that mean he is going to ask me out, or what? Do I expect something?
Me: Absolutely :-) Glad it wasn't just me!
I hadn't expected to hear anything from the job interview for at least a week. When I got home from yoga Thursday night I had a voicemail from the VP of Sales asking that I give her a call back. She informed me that they were very impressed by me, loved my personality and what I had to say. They wanted to fly me to Colorado to do a final interview and so I could see their communities. After I got off the phone I jumped up and down like a complete spaz! They liked me! They really, really liked me! I am going back to making lots of money again! In a state of bliss I called my mom and texted every person in my phone, including the Principal. I was so hyper excited I barely slept at all that night, tossing and turning, mentally preparing for a job I didn't have yet but was now confident I wanted and would get. The only down side was that the Principal didn't bother to text back for 12 hours.
And I haven't heard from him since. I guess I read him wrong. If he was even entertaining the notion of reuniting, wouldn't he have asked me out again? Here I sit on a Saturday afternoon with nothing to do and he's probably doing the same. Even if he was bored, wouldn't he want to call me?
No. The Principal would never think like that. People never change.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
The Internet Still Hates Me.
Ok. I got back on the internet and no one is there. They have all left. No winks or emails or anything.
I threw out to the universe that I am done dating and what do I get? Agreement.
Trying to be proactive I winked at mutiple guys, even emailed a couple. One said in his profile that he loved his job because he got to save the world. I thought to myself "Yes, maybe he is in Green Peace!" So I carefully crafted a breezy email:
Hi, I read your profile and am dying to know what you do to save the world. Most importantly, does it involve tights or a cape?
His response to what I believed was a witty opening:
If you really must know, I difuse Bombs.
Oh.
Wow. You really do save the world then.
And without a sense of humor it must seem. Nothing more from He-Man.
Another dude, 28, emailed asking how my week is going and if I have any fun plans coming up. I responded, but my heart isn'y into it. I want to stamp my feet and cry.... Why don't boys like me anymore?
I threw out to the universe that I am done dating and what do I get? Agreement.
Trying to be proactive I winked at mutiple guys, even emailed a couple. One said in his profile that he loved his job because he got to save the world. I thought to myself "Yes, maybe he is in Green Peace!" So I carefully crafted a breezy email:
Hi, I read your profile and am dying to know what you do to save the world. Most importantly, does it involve tights or a cape?
His response to what I believed was a witty opening:
If you really must know, I difuse Bombs.
Oh.
Wow. You really do save the world then.
And without a sense of humor it must seem. Nothing more from He-Man.
Another dude, 28, emailed asking how my week is going and if I have any fun plans coming up. I responded, but my heart isn'y into it. I want to stamp my feet and cry.... Why don't boys like me anymore?
Another Run Down Memory Lane
Something about the change in weather always makes me nostalgic. I have been dreaming about long lost relationships, my parent's house, trips from years ago. Songs come on the radio and I am transported into that time, I can see and smell the memories. I have always been this way, but this year it feels like an assault.
Friday night, my only remaining friend from high school was in town for her mom's 60th birthday. Jane has always been my crazy friend but close, though even in high school we never got together very often. Over the years it has been less and less, but we always seem to pick things back up where we left off in the short times we saw each other. I was at her first wedding 10 years ago and will be at her second one in January. I love her like my crazy cousins.
Apparently, Jane has been feeling the nostalgia too. After over a decade away from Arizona she is planning to uproot her life and head home. I worry for her, AZ isn't as eclectic as she's grown accustomed to in San Diego.
In Casa Grande there is slim pickings when it comes to night life. We chose a mostly deserted dive and ran into my old estranged DJ friend. Flashback to weird high school through 20's memories:
At 16, the most popular place to work in town was Dairy Queen. My sister worked there with all her friends so it seemed like a natural job for me. You got to spend time with your buddies and go out to parties together. It was a strange tribe. More so, were the non-Dairy Queen regulars. Friends who would stop in and mingle. One day I was cleaning the counter when DJ walked in. I had seen him at school, some of my friends had had a thing for him freshman year. He had been untouchable with a steady girlfriend. Long careless hair, penetrating blue eyes, grunge style clothes, notorious for parties. I had never talked to him before, and here he was walking toward the counter. He wanted a "blue thing". (Blue Raspberry Mr. Misty, for the laymen) He didn't get charged, the gang told me.
I started hanging out with the Dairy Queen group, and DJ. When I was dating the guy who was my "first" I was invited to DJ's house only to find my boyfriend had taken off to a party. My shoulders sagged, because I had lied to my parents to buy an extra two hours before having to get home and would now be early. DJ insisted I stay, have a beer and proceeded to teach me how to flick bottle caps, a skill I used frequently for years.
DJ's little sister Cara was very serious until I got to know her. She was a hard ass who thought I was too prim, until she got to know me. We became really close and I would stay over at their house often, DJ taking us to parties and home. One night after many beers, DJ and I were alone on the couch talking and he kissed me. So sweetly. Just kissed, and held each other until we fell asleep. Cara found us the next day full of questions, but DJ became detached and told me he didn't want to date me. I was too young. A whole 18 months younger. We tried to be friends, even got ice cream together a week later, but I was smitten and he didn't want that. Yet every time we were out at parties he would watch and smile.
A couple months later at a desert party he saw me kiss a new guy I had been dating two days and chewed me out. Oh high school! How we can be so silly and immature. DJ and I were at odds, Cara thought it was hilarious. We saw each other through our social group but DJ kept his distance and I dated yet another asshole who would later cheat on me. Then slam me between a door. And threaten me, and slam me on the concrete. DJ was the person I called. When our friend and Cara's boyfriend overdosed, we leaned on each other to try to be there for her.
When I moved away DJ would come visit me. It was always platonic, watch a movie or go out. We became friends, best friends. No matter where he was he would call to check in on me. At 19 I had my nervous breakdown, quit college, was working at a strip club waiting tables 6-7 nights a week, watched a friend die in a motorcycle accident... and DJ was right there. A vacation was needed, so he drove me to Rocky Point. The first night we sat on the beach drinking and talking, I cried about my life and he such a good friend listening. He would even stand at the end of the bar while I got drinks so boys could flirt with me.
The next day at lunch, a group of Air Force Guys sat next to us and one asked me if I would like to try his Orgasm (shot). DJ laughed as I downed the whole thing. DJ played hackey sack with some of the guys on the beach while I flirted with what was to become Air Force Guy. On the way back AFG mentioned how cool DJ was about sharing his girlfriend. "He's not my boyfriend. He's just my best friend." Later that night DJ mingled and had fun while I made out with AFG, then carried my drunk ass back to the hotel. We listened to Shaggy the whole trip. When I went to NM to visit AFG months later, DJ was working 100 miles away but came to see us. We did a swing dance at the military bar in front of everyone.
DJ would surface here and there for years. Once in a blue moon he would kiss me simply, right before I wouldn't see him again for months, but we would go back to just being friends. Once we made out like teenagers.
I was 23 when DJ's best friend died cleaning a gun. This guy was like his brother. He asked me to come to the funeral, and though DJ wanted me sitting upfront with him, I had only known his friend at a distance so I stood in the back. I went with him to the after wake, held him when he finally cried in my car. It was that night that we finally changed. DJ wouldn't let me rest in the background while he partied with people who had been an every day part of his life with his newly lost brother. He wouldn't let go of my hand. Then he just held on to me, or hugged me, and finally was just wrapped around me while everything else went on.
I stayed the night in his bed. He kissed me, wanted me, and oh just to make him feel better I wanted to give in to seven years of him never before wanting me this way...... But I knew it was grief. I was his friend, and I would give him anything, but I wouldn't lose him over something so stupid.
We became inseparable. Talking all the time, seeing each other all the time, until one night I had been out drinking early and was sobering up by 10pm. Not exactly sober, but close enough (at that idiotic time of my life) to drive to Casa Grande and finally have sex with DJ. I drove my roommate's car to the bar he worked at and the smile he gave when he saw me was like the sun coming out at night. When we slept together, it was a perfect fit. I was so happy to have my best friend. To have all of him. One night during, I was just so full I said it. I said I loved him. Which was so true. There were so many different kinds of love and I felt he was family (checking in on my dad when I wasn't around because he liked my dad), friend (all the years and things we had gone through), and as a lover. I think I scared the shit out of him.
Sometime later, at the bar where he worked DJ was so drunk one night. I was in my dance clothes after teaching for three hours. He started yelling at me that he loved me. This wasn't right. Where was my friend? Where was the person who shielded me, took me from parties before a fight or cops happened, who lovingly kept his distance for seven years because it was never the right time for us? A few days pass, DJ planned to come up to Tempe and I was making dinner. I have since learned that if I try to cook and be domestic my relationships end shortly thereafter. He never showed. He never called. He didn't answer his phone. For TWO days. I couldn't call Cara because she was in boot camp. I didn't know how to get a hold of his mom. So I waited. And got pissed.
Sitting with my roommate, I decided to call the bar. I asked if DJ was there and the bartender told me to hold on. I threw the phone at my roommate. She told DJ I had left some things at his place and she was coming to get them tomorrow night, then hung up. We had been dating less than three months. Seven years of friendship was fucked in less than a quarter of a year. I went to get my stuff, and he had the puppy dog eyes. Some shit had happened regarding his 2nd DUI, he was worried about driving to Tempe, had left his phone at his moms... I told him to stop the excuses. If he had wanted to see me, contact me, he would have come hell or high water. I could have helped him. He cried. I told him he needed to start being a man.
We were never the same again. I would see him around town, he would watch like all those years ago at parties. Then he stopped. He had a girlfriend who didn't like the looks of me when I came to say hi. He ignored me. I would get a phone call once in awhile wanting to know how I have been. I missed my friend... He called when he heard my dad died, but didn't come to the funeral.
He has a daughter now with the girlfriend who didn't care for me, has been sober 5 years, and owns his own company which is doing really well. I started ignoring his voice mails, twice a year, after yelling at him one night 4 years ago at a wedding that he couldn't be my friend anymore even though I missed him. It was the most embarrassing night of my life for soooooo many reasons- the night of not being able to walk, talk or see, a WHOLE separate story.
So, back to Friday night and seeing him again. It was strange to see this person who will forever be a part of me, but I can no longer share any closeness. Looking into his eyes, the kind that look like they know what you are thinking, I wanted to go back to high school and flick beer caps with him. I gave him a hug, then went to get a drink with Jane and her fiance'. We found a little table to sit at and not five minutes later
"Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby
Shorty, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Girl, you're my friend when I'm in need, lady
Life is one big party when you're still young
But who's gonna have your back when it's all done
It's all good when you're little, you have pure fun
Can't be a fool, son, what about the long run
Looking back Shorty always mention
Said me not giving her much attention
She was there through my incarceration
I want to show the nation my appreciation
Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby
Shorty, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Girl, you're my friend when I'm in need, lady
You're a queen and so you should be treated
Though you never get the lovin' that you needed
Could have left, but I called and you heeded
Begged and I pleaded, mission completed
Mama said that I and I dissed the program
Not the type to mess around with her emotion
But the feeling that I have for you is so strong
Been together so long and this could never be wrong
Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby
Shorty, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Girl, you're my friend when I'm in need, lady
Uh, uh
Girl, in spite of my behavior, said I'm your savior
(You must be sent from up above)
And you appear to me so tender, say girl I surrender
(Thanks for giving me your love)"
He remembered.
Maybe one day we will get to be friends again.
Friday night, my only remaining friend from high school was in town for her mom's 60th birthday. Jane has always been my crazy friend but close, though even in high school we never got together very often. Over the years it has been less and less, but we always seem to pick things back up where we left off in the short times we saw each other. I was at her first wedding 10 years ago and will be at her second one in January. I love her like my crazy cousins.
Apparently, Jane has been feeling the nostalgia too. After over a decade away from Arizona she is planning to uproot her life and head home. I worry for her, AZ isn't as eclectic as she's grown accustomed to in San Diego.
In Casa Grande there is slim pickings when it comes to night life. We chose a mostly deserted dive and ran into my old estranged DJ friend. Flashback to weird high school through 20's memories:
At 16, the most popular place to work in town was Dairy Queen. My sister worked there with all her friends so it seemed like a natural job for me. You got to spend time with your buddies and go out to parties together. It was a strange tribe. More so, were the non-Dairy Queen regulars. Friends who would stop in and mingle. One day I was cleaning the counter when DJ walked in. I had seen him at school, some of my friends had had a thing for him freshman year. He had been untouchable with a steady girlfriend. Long careless hair, penetrating blue eyes, grunge style clothes, notorious for parties. I had never talked to him before, and here he was walking toward the counter. He wanted a "blue thing". (Blue Raspberry Mr. Misty, for the laymen) He didn't get charged, the gang told me.
I started hanging out with the Dairy Queen group, and DJ. When I was dating the guy who was my "first" I was invited to DJ's house only to find my boyfriend had taken off to a party. My shoulders sagged, because I had lied to my parents to buy an extra two hours before having to get home and would now be early. DJ insisted I stay, have a beer and proceeded to teach me how to flick bottle caps, a skill I used frequently for years.
DJ's little sister Cara was very serious until I got to know her. She was a hard ass who thought I was too prim, until she got to know me. We became really close and I would stay over at their house often, DJ taking us to parties and home. One night after many beers, DJ and I were alone on the couch talking and he kissed me. So sweetly. Just kissed, and held each other until we fell asleep. Cara found us the next day full of questions, but DJ became detached and told me he didn't want to date me. I was too young. A whole 18 months younger. We tried to be friends, even got ice cream together a week later, but I was smitten and he didn't want that. Yet every time we were out at parties he would watch and smile.
A couple months later at a desert party he saw me kiss a new guy I had been dating two days and chewed me out. Oh high school! How we can be so silly and immature. DJ and I were at odds, Cara thought it was hilarious. We saw each other through our social group but DJ kept his distance and I dated yet another asshole who would later cheat on me. Then slam me between a door. And threaten me, and slam me on the concrete. DJ was the person I called. When our friend and Cara's boyfriend overdosed, we leaned on each other to try to be there for her.
When I moved away DJ would come visit me. It was always platonic, watch a movie or go out. We became friends, best friends. No matter where he was he would call to check in on me. At 19 I had my nervous breakdown, quit college, was working at a strip club waiting tables 6-7 nights a week, watched a friend die in a motorcycle accident... and DJ was right there. A vacation was needed, so he drove me to Rocky Point. The first night we sat on the beach drinking and talking, I cried about my life and he such a good friend listening. He would even stand at the end of the bar while I got drinks so boys could flirt with me.
The next day at lunch, a group of Air Force Guys sat next to us and one asked me if I would like to try his Orgasm (shot). DJ laughed as I downed the whole thing. DJ played hackey sack with some of the guys on the beach while I flirted with what was to become Air Force Guy. On the way back AFG mentioned how cool DJ was about sharing his girlfriend. "He's not my boyfriend. He's just my best friend." Later that night DJ mingled and had fun while I made out with AFG, then carried my drunk ass back to the hotel. We listened to Shaggy the whole trip. When I went to NM to visit AFG months later, DJ was working 100 miles away but came to see us. We did a swing dance at the military bar in front of everyone.
DJ would surface here and there for years. Once in a blue moon he would kiss me simply, right before I wouldn't see him again for months, but we would go back to just being friends. Once we made out like teenagers.
I was 23 when DJ's best friend died cleaning a gun. This guy was like his brother. He asked me to come to the funeral, and though DJ wanted me sitting upfront with him, I had only known his friend at a distance so I stood in the back. I went with him to the after wake, held him when he finally cried in my car. It was that night that we finally changed. DJ wouldn't let me rest in the background while he partied with people who had been an every day part of his life with his newly lost brother. He wouldn't let go of my hand. Then he just held on to me, or hugged me, and finally was just wrapped around me while everything else went on.
I stayed the night in his bed. He kissed me, wanted me, and oh just to make him feel better I wanted to give in to seven years of him never before wanting me this way...... But I knew it was grief. I was his friend, and I would give him anything, but I wouldn't lose him over something so stupid.
We became inseparable. Talking all the time, seeing each other all the time, until one night I had been out drinking early and was sobering up by 10pm. Not exactly sober, but close enough (at that idiotic time of my life) to drive to Casa Grande and finally have sex with DJ. I drove my roommate's car to the bar he worked at and the smile he gave when he saw me was like the sun coming out at night. When we slept together, it was a perfect fit. I was so happy to have my best friend. To have all of him. One night during, I was just so full I said it. I said I loved him. Which was so true. There were so many different kinds of love and I felt he was family (checking in on my dad when I wasn't around because he liked my dad), friend (all the years and things we had gone through), and as a lover. I think I scared the shit out of him.
Sometime later, at the bar where he worked DJ was so drunk one night. I was in my dance clothes after teaching for three hours. He started yelling at me that he loved me. This wasn't right. Where was my friend? Where was the person who shielded me, took me from parties before a fight or cops happened, who lovingly kept his distance for seven years because it was never the right time for us? A few days pass, DJ planned to come up to Tempe and I was making dinner. I have since learned that if I try to cook and be domestic my relationships end shortly thereafter. He never showed. He never called. He didn't answer his phone. For TWO days. I couldn't call Cara because she was in boot camp. I didn't know how to get a hold of his mom. So I waited. And got pissed.
Sitting with my roommate, I decided to call the bar. I asked if DJ was there and the bartender told me to hold on. I threw the phone at my roommate. She told DJ I had left some things at his place and she was coming to get them tomorrow night, then hung up. We had been dating less than three months. Seven years of friendship was fucked in less than a quarter of a year. I went to get my stuff, and he had the puppy dog eyes. Some shit had happened regarding his 2nd DUI, he was worried about driving to Tempe, had left his phone at his moms... I told him to stop the excuses. If he had wanted to see me, contact me, he would have come hell or high water. I could have helped him. He cried. I told him he needed to start being a man.
We were never the same again. I would see him around town, he would watch like all those years ago at parties. Then he stopped. He had a girlfriend who didn't like the looks of me when I came to say hi. He ignored me. I would get a phone call once in awhile wanting to know how I have been. I missed my friend... He called when he heard my dad died, but didn't come to the funeral.
He has a daughter now with the girlfriend who didn't care for me, has been sober 5 years, and owns his own company which is doing really well. I started ignoring his voice mails, twice a year, after yelling at him one night 4 years ago at a wedding that he couldn't be my friend anymore even though I missed him. It was the most embarrassing night of my life for soooooo many reasons- the night of not being able to walk, talk or see, a WHOLE separate story.
So, back to Friday night and seeing him again. It was strange to see this person who will forever be a part of me, but I can no longer share any closeness. Looking into his eyes, the kind that look like they know what you are thinking, I wanted to go back to high school and flick beer caps with him. I gave him a hug, then went to get a drink with Jane and her fiance'. We found a little table to sit at and not five minutes later
"Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby
Shorty, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Girl, you're my friend when I'm in need, lady
Life is one big party when you're still young
But who's gonna have your back when it's all done
It's all good when you're little, you have pure fun
Can't be a fool, son, what about the long run
Looking back Shorty always mention
Said me not giving her much attention
She was there through my incarceration
I want to show the nation my appreciation
Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby
Shorty, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Girl, you're my friend when I'm in need, lady
You're a queen and so you should be treated
Though you never get the lovin' that you needed
Could have left, but I called and you heeded
Begged and I pleaded, mission completed
Mama said that I and I dissed the program
Not the type to mess around with her emotion
But the feeling that I have for you is so strong
Been together so long and this could never be wrong
Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby
Shorty, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Girl, you're my friend when I'm in need, lady
Uh, uh
Girl, in spite of my behavior, said I'm your savior
(You must be sent from up above)
And you appear to me so tender, say girl I surrender
(Thanks for giving me your love)"
He remembered.
Maybe one day we will get to be friends again.
Monday, November 5, 2012
The Mustache Man
OK, still here. Still losing it. Fast approaching 1 year anniversary of no sex. Slightly dying inside. It should shame me saying that a whole sex-free year is a record, but it doesn't. I'm that sick. Fast approaching zombie mode... must have sex... must have SEX...
I have spent more time talking to Kelly who came up with a business plan for us:
Kelly: We should open up a store and target women in their thirties. Our campaign can be "Don't want to be a ho no mo? Come to Vibrators 'R' Us, and get your groove on with yourself. Satisfaction guaranteed and no risk of STD's!
We could be millionaires. Let's just buy a bunch of vibrators and do it, screw corporate America. LOL
Me: OMG! I am laughing so fucking hard right now!! We need a business plan!
Kelly: No we don't. We need vibrators... I thought of a new name "Good Vibrations" Hahahahaha!
Me: We could sell them out of the back of my car in front of Weight Watchers and fro yo places!
It was the best text of my life! Just imagining Kelly scrunching up her nose cackling in her car between meetings. Too perfect! I had to share with the poor Mormon kid sitting next to me and Anastasia at work.
Kelly recently got out of a relationship that she doesn't want me write about, but it really messed her up. In an effort to hang out more we met at Nordstrom on Sunday to find her shoes. Neither of us enjoy shopping. After an hour in Nordstrom I realized why she didn't like it. Hot Australian with perfect suit and dashing silver hair waited on us. I talked to him like a co-commiserate, Kelly asked for MORE shoes.
As we left, Kelly reserving a 24 hour hold on shoes she said she wouldn't buy, I told Aussie guy we'd be back in an hour. He crinkled when he smiled. Kelly said he was flirting with me. Uh-uh.
As we strolled in and out of a few shops where we didn't have the money to buy anything I stopped dead in the middle of the mall. From within a new shop stood a man. A tall man in a suit vest that matched his pants. With a tie, and shirt sleeves rolled up. He had dark hair combed back in a 1930's style. So elegant. Debonair, I dare say. This man had a handle bar mustache and I wanted to jump his bones immediately.
Kelly paused with me and started to walk toward the store, as if I had seen something I wanted to buy. Could I buy that? I stopped her, whispering about the call of the hot guy with inexplicable mustache. "The mustache guy?" she laughed incredulous at my reaction. And normally I would have to agree, I find mustaches pretty creepy, but...
The Mustache Man and his cohort noticed us standing there staring and I had to make a decision. Go in and make some inane inquiry about his wares or walk away. I glanced up and looked at the sign. It was a freakin' shave shop! I have no men in my life, and you shouldn't really mention men if your life while attempting to pick up a mustached gentleman, so there was really no reason I should be entranced by that store unless I was a sex deprived 30 year old eejit. I walked away.
Kelly thought it was hilarious and many a "mustache ride" jokes followed. But I had felt drawn to that classy looking man. It made me want to put on my new boots and a dress and walk in there saying something like "Oh! My brother in law would simply adore this for his birthday!" while pointing at something with my bare LEFT hand. Instantly I remembered I need to stop biting my fingernails again.
When we walked past later after lunch on the way to reclaim Kelly's 24 hour hold shoes, I slowed my pace and checked out Mustache Man with a customer. I asked Kelly if she thought the mustache was real.
"I don't know, but judging from the thick 5 o'clock shadow he has going on I'd say he has a big dong. 'Cause you know if it's thick there, it is everywhere!" I laughed hysterically, she is getting too good with her naughty rhymes.
But I kept thinking about that Man....
I even mentioned, somewhat casually to my co-worker with goatee that he could maybe do some reconnaissance at the mall for me.... Anastasia tamped that one down.
So, the zombie is definitely out. I just keep reciting to myself that "I don't wanna be a ho no mo..."
I have spent more time talking to Kelly who came up with a business plan for us:
Kelly: We should open up a store and target women in their thirties. Our campaign can be "Don't want to be a ho no mo? Come to Vibrators 'R' Us, and get your groove on with yourself. Satisfaction guaranteed and no risk of STD's!
We could be millionaires. Let's just buy a bunch of vibrators and do it, screw corporate America. LOL
Me: OMG! I am laughing so fucking hard right now!! We need a business plan!
Kelly: No we don't. We need vibrators... I thought of a new name "Good Vibrations" Hahahahaha!
Me: We could sell them out of the back of my car in front of Weight Watchers and fro yo places!
It was the best text of my life! Just imagining Kelly scrunching up her nose cackling in her car between meetings. Too perfect! I had to share with the poor Mormon kid sitting next to me and Anastasia at work.
Kelly recently got out of a relationship that she doesn't want me write about, but it really messed her up. In an effort to hang out more we met at Nordstrom on Sunday to find her shoes. Neither of us enjoy shopping. After an hour in Nordstrom I realized why she didn't like it. Hot Australian with perfect suit and dashing silver hair waited on us. I talked to him like a co-commiserate, Kelly asked for MORE shoes.
As we left, Kelly reserving a 24 hour hold on shoes she said she wouldn't buy, I told Aussie guy we'd be back in an hour. He crinkled when he smiled. Kelly said he was flirting with me. Uh-uh.
As we strolled in and out of a few shops where we didn't have the money to buy anything I stopped dead in the middle of the mall. From within a new shop stood a man. A tall man in a suit vest that matched his pants. With a tie, and shirt sleeves rolled up. He had dark hair combed back in a 1930's style. So elegant. Debonair, I dare say. This man had a handle bar mustache and I wanted to jump his bones immediately.
Kelly paused with me and started to walk toward the store, as if I had seen something I wanted to buy. Could I buy that? I stopped her, whispering about the call of the hot guy with inexplicable mustache. "The mustache guy?" she laughed incredulous at my reaction. And normally I would have to agree, I find mustaches pretty creepy, but...
The Mustache Man and his cohort noticed us standing there staring and I had to make a decision. Go in and make some inane inquiry about his wares or walk away. I glanced up and looked at the sign. It was a freakin' shave shop! I have no men in my life, and you shouldn't really mention men if your life while attempting to pick up a mustached gentleman, so there was really no reason I should be entranced by that store unless I was a sex deprived 30 year old eejit. I walked away.
Kelly thought it was hilarious and many a "mustache ride" jokes followed. But I had felt drawn to that classy looking man. It made me want to put on my new boots and a dress and walk in there saying something like "Oh! My brother in law would simply adore this for his birthday!" while pointing at something with my bare LEFT hand. Instantly I remembered I need to stop biting my fingernails again.
When we walked past later after lunch on the way to reclaim Kelly's 24 hour hold shoes, I slowed my pace and checked out Mustache Man with a customer. I asked Kelly if she thought the mustache was real.
"I don't know, but judging from the thick 5 o'clock shadow he has going on I'd say he has a big dong. 'Cause you know if it's thick there, it is everywhere!" I laughed hysterically, she is getting too good with her naughty rhymes.
But I kept thinking about that Man....
I even mentioned, somewhat casually to my co-worker with goatee that he could maybe do some reconnaissance at the mall for me.... Anastasia tamped that one down.
So, the zombie is definitely out. I just keep reciting to myself that "I don't wanna be a ho no mo..."
It just goes to show... They ARE everywhere!
A long time ago (well, a couple weeks actually) in a galaxy far, far away (across the cube from me)...
Anastasia stands up and demands my attention. She wanted my opinion on a rather irritating male experience she had just encountered. I stood up immediately and ignored the work on my desk.
Apparently, she had this man friend, I use the term "man" loosely, who had recently become available again. He had a child around the same age as hers and they had breakfast one morning. I, of course, had to finger quote breakfast to make the nearby boy co-workers giggle. Well, afterward this friend had asked Anastasia out for drinks later in the week. Even though he seemed somewhat self-focused and collects records and had to live downtown to be where the "hipsters" are...
She thought "Why not?" The Force was not with her, my friend.
All week she heard nothing from him. At all. No plans to be made, not a hi, not a how's it going. Nada. On Saturday, when they were supposed to meet Anastasia's plans changed around some and she texted him to see if later in the evening would work. His response:
Dude: I have to work late and not sure I can meet. Stay tuned...
She tuned in on making some alternate plans. Hasn't heard from the guy since the incident a couple days prior...
Her question was: Was she stood up, or just merely blown off.
My answer: Both. And by an asshole, so technically she was lucky.
This seemed to be the guy's MO. When he was available he would want to hang out and then blow her off when he got with someone else. She was willing to have drinks to see if he had changed, despite her better judgement that assholes NEVER change.
All was quiet until last week. The guy had surfaced again and was texting her. Wanting to know what her plans were for Friday. Anastasia was blunt- she had a date. This immature "man" had to pipe in how he had just met someone, and she was the most wonderful person ever and soooooooo beautiful. He even sent Anastasia a picture of this new girl. Really? Are we in junior high? My love life is better than yours, neener-neener-neener! It was such a remarkable way to display his douchieness. While this brought home Anastasia's belief the guy was an asshole she still could not believe his stupidity.
It gets better. She rants again about his record collection. This 40 year old man, started a record collection and purposefully talks about bands no one cares about because he needs some cool hobby to make him seem hip. Not only does he refuse to shut up about these records, he says it with a Bostonian accent.
"Is he from back East?" I ask.
"New York, about half his life ago and before you ask, no. He doesn't say any other words with any type of accent. He spells it r-e-"
"Wait! He spells it? He has TEXTED it to you as a funny mispronounced word?"
"Yep. R-e-c-i-d-d-s. It is on purpose." She is nodding with this look like she's talking about a suicidal maniac. I am shaking my head in disbelief with the same astounded expression. Then I laugh hysterically. This guy is essence of douche!
"I am disappointed in you, Anastasia. How could you even consider going for drinks with this guy!" Although, I have been there more times than I like to admit.
This morning I came into work and Anastasia popped up over my wall wanting to know if I'd gotten her Facebook message. I shake my head. She hands me her phone like it is the Holy Grail, eyes twinkling. I had to read the texts that the guy sent her while she was on her date Friday.
Friday 10:42pm
How was your date?
Anastasia stands up and demands my attention. She wanted my opinion on a rather irritating male experience she had just encountered. I stood up immediately and ignored the work on my desk.
Apparently, she had this man friend, I use the term "man" loosely, who had recently become available again. He had a child around the same age as hers and they had breakfast one morning. I, of course, had to finger quote breakfast to make the nearby boy co-workers giggle. Well, afterward this friend had asked Anastasia out for drinks later in the week. Even though he seemed somewhat self-focused and collects records and had to live downtown to be where the "hipsters" are...
She thought "Why not?" The Force was not with her, my friend.
All week she heard nothing from him. At all. No plans to be made, not a hi, not a how's it going. Nada. On Saturday, when they were supposed to meet Anastasia's plans changed around some and she texted him to see if later in the evening would work. His response:
Dude: I have to work late and not sure I can meet. Stay tuned...
She tuned in on making some alternate plans. Hasn't heard from the guy since the incident a couple days prior...
Her question was: Was she stood up, or just merely blown off.
My answer: Both. And by an asshole, so technically she was lucky.
This seemed to be the guy's MO. When he was available he would want to hang out and then blow her off when he got with someone else. She was willing to have drinks to see if he had changed, despite her better judgement that assholes NEVER change.
All was quiet until last week. The guy had surfaced again and was texting her. Wanting to know what her plans were for Friday. Anastasia was blunt- she had a date. This immature "man" had to pipe in how he had just met someone, and she was the most wonderful person ever and soooooooo beautiful. He even sent Anastasia a picture of this new girl. Really? Are we in junior high? My love life is better than yours, neener-neener-neener! It was such a remarkable way to display his douchieness. While this brought home Anastasia's belief the guy was an asshole she still could not believe his stupidity.
It gets better. She rants again about his record collection. This 40 year old man, started a record collection and purposefully talks about bands no one cares about because he needs some cool hobby to make him seem hip. Not only does he refuse to shut up about these records, he says it with a Bostonian accent.
"Is he from back East?" I ask.
"New York, about half his life ago and before you ask, no. He doesn't say any other words with any type of accent. He spells it r-e-"
"Wait! He spells it? He has TEXTED it to you as a funny mispronounced word?"
"Yep. R-e-c-i-d-d-s. It is on purpose." She is nodding with this look like she's talking about a suicidal maniac. I am shaking my head in disbelief with the same astounded expression. Then I laugh hysterically. This guy is essence of douche!
"I am disappointed in you, Anastasia. How could you even consider going for drinks with this guy!" Although, I have been there more times than I like to admit.
This morning I came into work and Anastasia popped up over my wall wanting to know if I'd gotten her Facebook message. I shake my head. She hands me her phone like it is the Holy Grail, eyes twinkling. I had to read the texts that the guy sent her while she was on her date Friday.
Friday 10:42pm
How was your date?
Friday 10:54pm
I know this sounds shitty. But I am no longer in a relationship. I’m not feeling too good right now, but if you’d like to not sleep at home tonight, you can come on over.
My eyes are huge and I just stare up at her.
Friday 10:54pm
I don’t think you are cheap or anything. Far from it. I’d appreciate the company if you are up for it.
"What!" I break out laughing. This guy asks her how her date is going and then when there is no response 12 minutes later he thinks it is acceptable to booty-call her because he's broken hearted?
She shared this with her date, who has been a friend of hers for a while.
Her date's response (but not sent): This is Dale. We are on our date. I suggest you jerk off and go to bed, douche bag.
I am laughing and doing a little dance. Oh, she should have sent it!!!
Saturday 8:01am
I’m sorry about last night. She let me go and I was spiraling. Hope all went well. Text me later if you’d like.
"Didn't he just meet her? How do you break up and spiral down in under a week? This guy is an idiot!" Maybe he sent new girl a text about his recidds and she bolted.
I ask this over and over again, but really! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEN?!?
When did they ALL go over to the Dark Side?
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
All The Single Ladies!
After less than a week trying to date I threw in the towel again after the Cop. What does this say about my endurance? Pah!
But really, what is wrong with men these days? They boast on their profiles about how much they love to camp, watch sports and are looking for a "drama-free" woman to share their lives with. Didn't they stop to think that any woman would be much more drama-free if she wasn't bitching at him about how much money he spent on yet another camp stove thingy or if he paid attention to her during dinner instead of watching the game, texting about the game, Facebooking about the game, and checking his fantasy football/golf/baseball/hockey/soccer/basketball league? It doesn't take a rocket scientist...
At work I haven't been working all that much as I have been organizing an all girls outing to the Dirty Girl Mud Run in support of the Breast Cancer Research Institute. I hate my job, so this makes going to work more fun. Well, tolerable anyway. I have raised over $350 to help girl's get money to go, and it will be entertaining to see all of us computer lazy gals get dirty. I'm already planning the next 5k! Me, who hates exercise and prefers beer.. (well they have a beer garden for after, I do my research.)
This got me thinking while talking to Anastasia. What more could I do while working at this lame company? It came to me via Beyonce. Before long, I was making silent plans to start a Single Ladies Club. Not so we could all get together, go out and meet males, but so we could get together, go out and maybe discover what the hell we're all doing wrong. And it would be fun. And it would help me get out of the house more often. AND if I can get back into the swing of marketing and small talk I can get the hell out of my current job! Now put your hands up! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
The power of feeling good about being me is what I need. If there is no Mr. Right out there, I at least want to have a good time for the next 30 some odd years of my life. I want to make friends, find a job I love (at minimum don't dream will burst in to flame so I don't have to go in), and make some dough to travel with. Maybe I'll move to Georgia with Ange if she gets the regional position there. Maybe I'll move to Oregon. Maybe I will never move, but finally find happiness. I'm told here are all different kinds so it is probably time to start experimenting!
"I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
Got me tighter in my Dereon jeans
Acting up, drink in my cup
I can care less what you think
I need no permission, did I mention
Don't pay him any attention
'Cause you had your turn, and now you gonna learn
What it really feels like to miss me
'Cause if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
'Cause if you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh"
Yes, I sang and typed. The dogs were very amused.
But really, what is wrong with men these days? They boast on their profiles about how much they love to camp, watch sports and are looking for a "drama-free" woman to share their lives with. Didn't they stop to think that any woman would be much more drama-free if she wasn't bitching at him about how much money he spent on yet another camp stove thingy or if he paid attention to her during dinner instead of watching the game, texting about the game, Facebooking about the game, and checking his fantasy football/golf/baseball/hockey/soccer/basketball league? It doesn't take a rocket scientist...
At work I haven't been working all that much as I have been organizing an all girls outing to the Dirty Girl Mud Run in support of the Breast Cancer Research Institute. I hate my job, so this makes going to work more fun. Well, tolerable anyway. I have raised over $350 to help girl's get money to go, and it will be entertaining to see all of us computer lazy gals get dirty. I'm already planning the next 5k! Me, who hates exercise and prefers beer.. (well they have a beer garden for after, I do my research.)
This got me thinking while talking to Anastasia. What more could I do while working at this lame company? It came to me via Beyonce. Before long, I was making silent plans to start a Single Ladies Club. Not so we could all get together, go out and meet males, but so we could get together, go out and maybe discover what the hell we're all doing wrong. And it would be fun. And it would help me get out of the house more often. AND if I can get back into the swing of marketing and small talk I can get the hell out of my current job! Now put your hands up! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
The power of feeling good about being me is what I need. If there is no Mr. Right out there, I at least want to have a good time for the next 30 some odd years of my life. I want to make friends, find a job I love (at minimum don't dream will burst in to flame so I don't have to go in), and make some dough to travel with. Maybe I'll move to Georgia with Ange if she gets the regional position there. Maybe I'll move to Oregon. Maybe I will never move, but finally find happiness. I'm told here are all different kinds so it is probably time to start experimenting!
"I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
Got me tighter in my Dereon jeans
Acting up, drink in my cup
I can care less what you think
I need no permission, did I mention
Don't pay him any attention
'Cause you had your turn, and now you gonna learn
What it really feels like to miss me
'Cause if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
'Cause if you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh"
Yes, I sang and typed. The dogs were very amused.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Meeting the Cop
So, after my brief reprisal of Match.com I emailed back and forth with the Cop. We agreed to meet on Sunday when I was down home cleaning offices and would look like a bum. I re-read some of the Work Guy stuff which made me realize how fucking crazy I had been at that time and felt relief that I no longer had that "find someone now who will love you, marry you and give you babies" deal looming over my head.
After some debate I agreed to meet him at his house. A big Internet no-no. He suggested it and I refused. He claimed he wasn't a psycho and I reminded him that I read nerdily and the cop who always says he isn't a psycho killer usually ends up the psycho killer. I texted my mom his pic so she would know where to send the ambulance should I go missing.
In person, he is taller than me which is a plus. He decorates for Halloween like my Aunt Charlotte on crack, a plus I think. Has fish, knows all about them. Likes Harry Potter, huge plus. Builds Lego cities, nerdy but I can relate. Has a clean house, plus considering I don't. Was NYPD. Got a Purple Heart for a tour in the Middle East (which I assume is close to Mordor). He seems like a good guy....
Bad parts: I admit I don't like guns. Promptly shows me all his guns because for some odd reason men think that if you just hold one you'll not envision all the death and destruction they have the potential to create. Oh, you don't like guns, let's go shoot some to make you feel better! He's a Republican. There really shouldn't need to be any follow up to that one...
We both admit we are nervous but the two hour meet up goes nicely. We waive good bye, I fear I might shake his hand but make it to my car without that error. On my way to cleaning he texts me "Honest First Impressions?" What am I to say. He was cute and nice. I say that and he follows up with pretty much the same. I am on fire!
Then he wants me to come back so he can kiss me. Ummm... No. I have known him for 24 hours and had a lovely meet up at his home. I am not ready for first kissing after my sweaty cleaning job. He is persistent. I am jokey. My back hurts from trying to keep it light.
Cop texts that he really likes me. While that is sweet, he barely knows me so I don't think he has had time to develop any type of feelings. I mean, I liked meeting him, but don't know if I like him, like him. I sound like a fucking grade schooler. I decide to let it roll and see where this goes. Then he continues texting about how he wants to know if he can let down his walls. Umm... What? Not seeing any walls. He says he has been hurt a lot in the past. Dude may need some walls. Really wants to get married and have kids. Known you incredibly short amount of time.... Please stop sharing. Must wait until after the 5th date to have sex. We haven't even hugged yet!
The next day he texts me that he wants me to know he isn't a serial dater, he likes me, will just be seeing me and wants to see where this goes. It is phrased like he wants to go steady and I begin my freak out. 1 day of communication and he wants me to know he's exclusive. Chloe urges me not to blow him off. Maybe he is sensitive, which would be a good thing. Maybe he is making himself clear about his expectations and loyalty. Maybe he is trying to be as honest and straight forward as possible.
I come back with "Maybe he is bat shit crazy." Chloe shakes her head and demands I relax until after we have had another date and can clear the air. More texts from Cop on how he really likes me. Do I want to dress up in matching costumes for a party on Saturday? Eh, no. We could do something else? Tell him about hot yoga. He tells me I probably look beautiful after yoga, tell him he compliments me so much I may get a big head, responds that thinking of me sweaty after yoga is giving him a big head... I can't help but feel uncomfortable.
Ange comes over on Tuesday, Cop keeps texting me even though he knows I am hanging out with her. His night is busy. I suggest he throw everyone in jail. He would rather handcuff me. Umm? Yes, too soon for that type of banter. I tell her all the same stuff I shared at work with Chloe and she tries to get me to look on the bright side too. Doesn't every girl want to hear how much a guy likes her after the first date? Sure... but there is something off. I try to bury it, but it gnaws on my back like a rabid monkey.
Thursday we had agreed to meet for dinner. We discussed the types of food I like but he claimed he didn't know any places around Chandler to eat and we could go where I wanted. I hate that. Please provide some input, some suggestion. Did men forget that they should attempt to plan dates in the beginning? Do they want to put in no effort other than paying?
So we meet at a pizza place for dinner and drinks. I awkwardly hug him and try to smile. I feel at ease even though he is staring at me like he knows some secret. Where he plans on stashing my body? I don't know.
Let me make this short and sweet. Unlike our date.
He takes forever to order. I am starving and pounce on the waitress for a beer and salad. I tell him I don't like meat on pizza. Instead of asking why, he tells me why pizza is meant to have meat on it. We talk about him. I ask questions about his life, work, family, past relationships. Conversation starters which are designed to be volleyed back and forth. He doesn't ask about me. I try to tell him stories, but he interrupts with his own. Example, he has fish. When I start telling him about my disastrous attempts with fish (they die, I cry with heartbreak) he inserts all the things I did wrong, why the fish were destined to die, details about how the fish would have grown, their life spans, wanting to know the exact breed or whatever, before I ever got the entire story out. I started to get irritated.
Out by the car, we have a couple cigarettes and talk more. We discuss education. He corrects the way I say elementary, while placing the wrong emphasis on the word. I admit I use the slang in saying the word elemtry, kind of like a lot of people say probly instead of probably. But really I was trying to make a point in the CG educational system, which he disagreed with and tried to prove me wrong at every sentence coming out of my mouth. I got a little heated. Again I attempt a subject that my workmates abhor, genetically engineered foods directly related to consumerism. What should be a discussion turns into the Cop telling me how wrong I am about everything. It's like I am out with Scotty again! I am pissed. I call the Cop out on it and he smiles indulgently. He likes to debate. It is not a debate when you just tell the other they are wrong. This is not a fun date.
The conversation lags and he just stares at me grinning. I know he is thinking about kissing me. I'm not so sure I want him to kiss me the way he is just standing there staring. Then he says "What?" and laughs. Are we in high school? Eventually he moves in and places both hands on the side of my face. Faces come closer. Oh God, he opens his mouth. Tongues poke at each other and I think I might giggle. I lean in, hoping it gets better. It does, barely.
I grab beer on the way home. This feels absurd. He texts me what a great kisser I am. I can only respond "Really?"
I keep responding to his pushy overtures with the fact that we just met and I am a slow mover. I want to take time getting to know him. He understands but is really excited about me. He doesn't know anything about me!
Friday he wants me to come over to make out. Too fast, I say. He thinks that is funny. He texts me more, I don't respond. He texts me wanting to know what is wrong. I reply I am on the phone. He texts back that that is OK. I know it is. I can do whatever I want, I irrationally think. We are now Facebook friends. He texts me how I know certain people off my friends list.... Weird. One old dance student of mine he dated briefly.... More weird.
Saturday morning I am really wigged out by him. I stand exclaiming to my co-worker about his crazy. Peggy shakes her head "I haven't heard you say one good thing about this guy. You need to release him back into the sea." My phone is buzzing all over. He sends me 5 texts in a row. One is inviting me to hand out candy on Halloween next Wednesday. I am enraged that he keeps securing a date before having the next scheduled. What if we don't get a long? Isn't this the point of dating? Go out, see how it is, then decide whether or not to proceed. I share with Peggy and she agrees.
I text him, again, he is moving too fast. He explains he isn't. I reiterate how I feel. He justifies himself again. There is no "Sorry" or "I didn't mean to make you feel that way". Just two polar opposites. I say this isn't working for me. He again justifies his attempt to ask me out four days in advance, but thinks I am just not that into him and wishes me luck. Back at ya.
I felt kind of bad. I mean, he is a nice guy and I sincerely believe he just wants to find that special someone to settle down with. I'm just not that person. His intentions were good, but the way he went about things was so strange. If I hadn't ended things now I may have been breaking his heart a day or week from now when he sprinted into "Let's have sex" or "I love you" stage.
Peggy and I celebrate my freedom with the happy dance then proceed to scroll through Match.com making fun of 99.9% of the people. We even get her signed up on another site and we both cackle and moan at the devastation of possibilities out there.
But my Saturday night is blessedly free. Now I can go home and read a romance novel!
After some debate I agreed to meet him at his house. A big Internet no-no. He suggested it and I refused. He claimed he wasn't a psycho and I reminded him that I read nerdily and the cop who always says he isn't a psycho killer usually ends up the psycho killer. I texted my mom his pic so she would know where to send the ambulance should I go missing.
In person, he is taller than me which is a plus. He decorates for Halloween like my Aunt Charlotte on crack, a plus I think. Has fish, knows all about them. Likes Harry Potter, huge plus. Builds Lego cities, nerdy but I can relate. Has a clean house, plus considering I don't. Was NYPD. Got a Purple Heart for a tour in the Middle East (which I assume is close to Mordor). He seems like a good guy....
Bad parts: I admit I don't like guns. Promptly shows me all his guns because for some odd reason men think that if you just hold one you'll not envision all the death and destruction they have the potential to create. Oh, you don't like guns, let's go shoot some to make you feel better! He's a Republican. There really shouldn't need to be any follow up to that one...
We both admit we are nervous but the two hour meet up goes nicely. We waive good bye, I fear I might shake his hand but make it to my car without that error. On my way to cleaning he texts me "Honest First Impressions?" What am I to say. He was cute and nice. I say that and he follows up with pretty much the same. I am on fire!
Then he wants me to come back so he can kiss me. Ummm... No. I have known him for 24 hours and had a lovely meet up at his home. I am not ready for first kissing after my sweaty cleaning job. He is persistent. I am jokey. My back hurts from trying to keep it light.
Cop texts that he really likes me. While that is sweet, he barely knows me so I don't think he has had time to develop any type of feelings. I mean, I liked meeting him, but don't know if I like him, like him. I sound like a fucking grade schooler. I decide to let it roll and see where this goes. Then he continues texting about how he wants to know if he can let down his walls. Umm... What? Not seeing any walls. He says he has been hurt a lot in the past. Dude may need some walls. Really wants to get married and have kids. Known you incredibly short amount of time.... Please stop sharing. Must wait until after the 5th date to have sex. We haven't even hugged yet!
The next day he texts me that he wants me to know he isn't a serial dater, he likes me, will just be seeing me and wants to see where this goes. It is phrased like he wants to go steady and I begin my freak out. 1 day of communication and he wants me to know he's exclusive. Chloe urges me not to blow him off. Maybe he is sensitive, which would be a good thing. Maybe he is making himself clear about his expectations and loyalty. Maybe he is trying to be as honest and straight forward as possible.
I come back with "Maybe he is bat shit crazy." Chloe shakes her head and demands I relax until after we have had another date and can clear the air. More texts from Cop on how he really likes me. Do I want to dress up in matching costumes for a party on Saturday? Eh, no. We could do something else? Tell him about hot yoga. He tells me I probably look beautiful after yoga, tell him he compliments me so much I may get a big head, responds that thinking of me sweaty after yoga is giving him a big head... I can't help but feel uncomfortable.
Ange comes over on Tuesday, Cop keeps texting me even though he knows I am hanging out with her. His night is busy. I suggest he throw everyone in jail. He would rather handcuff me. Umm? Yes, too soon for that type of banter. I tell her all the same stuff I shared at work with Chloe and she tries to get me to look on the bright side too. Doesn't every girl want to hear how much a guy likes her after the first date? Sure... but there is something off. I try to bury it, but it gnaws on my back like a rabid monkey.
Thursday we had agreed to meet for dinner. We discussed the types of food I like but he claimed he didn't know any places around Chandler to eat and we could go where I wanted. I hate that. Please provide some input, some suggestion. Did men forget that they should attempt to plan dates in the beginning? Do they want to put in no effort other than paying?
So we meet at a pizza place for dinner and drinks. I awkwardly hug him and try to smile. I feel at ease even though he is staring at me like he knows some secret. Where he plans on stashing my body? I don't know.
Let me make this short and sweet. Unlike our date.
He takes forever to order. I am starving and pounce on the waitress for a beer and salad. I tell him I don't like meat on pizza. Instead of asking why, he tells me why pizza is meant to have meat on it. We talk about him. I ask questions about his life, work, family, past relationships. Conversation starters which are designed to be volleyed back and forth. He doesn't ask about me. I try to tell him stories, but he interrupts with his own. Example, he has fish. When I start telling him about my disastrous attempts with fish (they die, I cry with heartbreak) he inserts all the things I did wrong, why the fish were destined to die, details about how the fish would have grown, their life spans, wanting to know the exact breed or whatever, before I ever got the entire story out. I started to get irritated.
Out by the car, we have a couple cigarettes and talk more. We discuss education. He corrects the way I say elementary, while placing the wrong emphasis on the word. I admit I use the slang in saying the word elemtry, kind of like a lot of people say probly instead of probably. But really I was trying to make a point in the CG educational system, which he disagreed with and tried to prove me wrong at every sentence coming out of my mouth. I got a little heated. Again I attempt a subject that my workmates abhor, genetically engineered foods directly related to consumerism. What should be a discussion turns into the Cop telling me how wrong I am about everything. It's like I am out with Scotty again! I am pissed. I call the Cop out on it and he smiles indulgently. He likes to debate. It is not a debate when you just tell the other they are wrong. This is not a fun date.
The conversation lags and he just stares at me grinning. I know he is thinking about kissing me. I'm not so sure I want him to kiss me the way he is just standing there staring. Then he says "What?" and laughs. Are we in high school? Eventually he moves in and places both hands on the side of my face. Faces come closer. Oh God, he opens his mouth. Tongues poke at each other and I think I might giggle. I lean in, hoping it gets better. It does, barely.
I grab beer on the way home. This feels absurd. He texts me what a great kisser I am. I can only respond "Really?"
I keep responding to his pushy overtures with the fact that we just met and I am a slow mover. I want to take time getting to know him. He understands but is really excited about me. He doesn't know anything about me!
Friday he wants me to come over to make out. Too fast, I say. He thinks that is funny. He texts me more, I don't respond. He texts me wanting to know what is wrong. I reply I am on the phone. He texts back that that is OK. I know it is. I can do whatever I want, I irrationally think. We are now Facebook friends. He texts me how I know certain people off my friends list.... Weird. One old dance student of mine he dated briefly.... More weird.
Saturday morning I am really wigged out by him. I stand exclaiming to my co-worker about his crazy. Peggy shakes her head "I haven't heard you say one good thing about this guy. You need to release him back into the sea." My phone is buzzing all over. He sends me 5 texts in a row. One is inviting me to hand out candy on Halloween next Wednesday. I am enraged that he keeps securing a date before having the next scheduled. What if we don't get a long? Isn't this the point of dating? Go out, see how it is, then decide whether or not to proceed. I share with Peggy and she agrees.
I text him, again, he is moving too fast. He explains he isn't. I reiterate how I feel. He justifies himself again. There is no "Sorry" or "I didn't mean to make you feel that way". Just two polar opposites. I say this isn't working for me. He again justifies his attempt to ask me out four days in advance, but thinks I am just not that into him and wishes me luck. Back at ya.
I felt kind of bad. I mean, he is a nice guy and I sincerely believe he just wants to find that special someone to settle down with. I'm just not that person. His intentions were good, but the way he went about things was so strange. If I hadn't ended things now I may have been breaking his heart a day or week from now when he sprinted into "Let's have sex" or "I love you" stage.
Peggy and I celebrate my freedom with the happy dance then proceed to scroll through Match.com making fun of 99.9% of the people. We even get her signed up on another site and we both cackle and moan at the devastation of possibilities out there.
But my Saturday night is blessedly free. Now I can go home and read a romance novel!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
What About Me?
You ever get the feeling that you are talking to thin air? Welcome to my life.
Sometimes I think my writing is a way for me to get it all out there without having to feel like I'm interrupting someone else's air time...
Sigh. I have resigned myself to the fact that I am just one of those people who will not meet the love of their life, get married and happily spurt offspring. I like my life coming home to a house full of animals that occasionally love me, reading, and not having to wonder what someone else is thinking all the time.
That being said, I was feeling content rather than depressed for a change. I laughed at work and joked with people. One of my work guys started openly hitting on me and if he wasn't such a Lech I would think he was joking. He was telling me how he had been trying to avoid hooking up and really dating. It had been 3 months since he'd done the dirty with some barely legal brainless bimbo. The blank look in his eyes made him ask "How long for you?" and immediately I muttered "Almost a year." He laughed at my quick response but it got me thinking.............
Am I never going to have sex again? The idea of not dating was welcome but never having sex again... EVER? My mind started betraying me almost at once. I started having little fantasies about a guy I noticed at Whole Foods, then a mystery man I would meet if I ever moved to Oregon and opened a book store that I could ride an ATV to through the glorious woods, then a hot baby I met in Iowa who was the friend of my baby second cousin, then even the Serial Killer at work (thank God that only lasted two days or I would never be able to look at him again), then Trey Parker from South Park, then Opie who got killed off Sons of Anarchy. I am officially going mad.
The safety of these little fantasies is that they will never happen. But what the hell am I supposed to do with my life if I never get to have sex again? Inevitably, sex complicates things. You can't just walk up to someone and say "Hi, would you like to have some sex tonight?" Well, I suppose you can. But then you are stuck with finding out what their name is and the whole should we kiss, should we cuddle. It just leads to feelings which leads in two directions: Dating or Rejection. I have had enough of both therefore I guess I was destined not to ever get my freak on again.
Perhaps I screwed myself out of the option by the copious amounts of sex I had in my 20's. Pun intended.
Fate declared upon my 30th birthday that should I buy a cat, which I did, that the male species would no longer wish to get me naked. Fate decided I had had enough orgasms and should now look forward to solitude and taking care of my mother in her old age, which she promises me is looming very near.
Ugh. So after reading some romance novels, shut up Chloe, I went back online and looked at the prospects. There had been an email from a cop in CG over ten days ago that I hadn't seen because frankly I never go on there anymore. I emailed back. He isn't chatty, this one, but responds pretty quickly. I winked and emailed some others, not really caring about the entire ordeal.
Cop states very clearly in his profile and again in email that he is ready to settle down, get married and have kids. He'snot originally from CG so I don't know him. After several emails he gave me his number, blah blah we text and he wants to see me tonight after I clean. WTF. Ok, calm down. This isn't going to be like last time. Meet him, in your baggy jeans and t shirt, see what his deal is, and go home. The end.
However, he has a name like Herbert, that is not Herbert, but I can't imagine screaming it out impassioned in bed. I would start laughing hysterically and as I have already discovered, men do not like that when they are trying to get it on. But what would I say? If he has manly last name, would I use that? A nickname perhaps? Future mothers, as sick as it may seem, please consider the dilema you would create should you name your future son something like Eggbert or Norville.
Normally I am so nervous I can't see straight. I think after the non-feeling relationship with Scotty, discovering that the EX is happily married, and being dumped by Work Guy after discovering that the Principal who wanted to marry me would never have worked out..... I'm devoid of feeling. Because if you can't feel, you can't get crushed into a million tiny pieces. You CAN, however, have sex :-)
I'm ok with giving up on the idea of true romance with happily ever after, but I don't think I should give up on some nookie until I reach 40. (I reserve the right to reconsider that at 40.)
Sometimes I think my writing is a way for me to get it all out there without having to feel like I'm interrupting someone else's air time...
Sigh. I have resigned myself to the fact that I am just one of those people who will not meet the love of their life, get married and happily spurt offspring. I like my life coming home to a house full of animals that occasionally love me, reading, and not having to wonder what someone else is thinking all the time.
That being said, I was feeling content rather than depressed for a change. I laughed at work and joked with people. One of my work guys started openly hitting on me and if he wasn't such a Lech I would think he was joking. He was telling me how he had been trying to avoid hooking up and really dating. It had been 3 months since he'd done the dirty with some barely legal brainless bimbo. The blank look in his eyes made him ask "How long for you?" and immediately I muttered "Almost a year." He laughed at my quick response but it got me thinking.............
Am I never going to have sex again? The idea of not dating was welcome but never having sex again... EVER? My mind started betraying me almost at once. I started having little fantasies about a guy I noticed at Whole Foods, then a mystery man I would meet if I ever moved to Oregon and opened a book store that I could ride an ATV to through the glorious woods, then a hot baby I met in Iowa who was the friend of my baby second cousin, then even the Serial Killer at work (thank God that only lasted two days or I would never be able to look at him again), then Trey Parker from South Park, then Opie who got killed off Sons of Anarchy. I am officially going mad.
The safety of these little fantasies is that they will never happen. But what the hell am I supposed to do with my life if I never get to have sex again? Inevitably, sex complicates things. You can't just walk up to someone and say "Hi, would you like to have some sex tonight?" Well, I suppose you can. But then you are stuck with finding out what their name is and the whole should we kiss, should we cuddle. It just leads to feelings which leads in two directions: Dating or Rejection. I have had enough of both therefore I guess I was destined not to ever get my freak on again.
Perhaps I screwed myself out of the option by the copious amounts of sex I had in my 20's. Pun intended.
Fate declared upon my 30th birthday that should I buy a cat, which I did, that the male species would no longer wish to get me naked. Fate decided I had had enough orgasms and should now look forward to solitude and taking care of my mother in her old age, which she promises me is looming very near.
Ugh. So after reading some romance novels, shut up Chloe, I went back online and looked at the prospects. There had been an email from a cop in CG over ten days ago that I hadn't seen because frankly I never go on there anymore. I emailed back. He isn't chatty, this one, but responds pretty quickly. I winked and emailed some others, not really caring about the entire ordeal.
Cop states very clearly in his profile and again in email that he is ready to settle down, get married and have kids. He'snot originally from CG so I don't know him. After several emails he gave me his number, blah blah we text and he wants to see me tonight after I clean. WTF. Ok, calm down. This isn't going to be like last time. Meet him, in your baggy jeans and t shirt, see what his deal is, and go home. The end.
However, he has a name like Herbert, that is not Herbert, but I can't imagine screaming it out impassioned in bed. I would start laughing hysterically and as I have already discovered, men do not like that when they are trying to get it on. But what would I say? If he has manly last name, would I use that? A nickname perhaps? Future mothers, as sick as it may seem, please consider the dilema you would create should you name your future son something like Eggbert or Norville.
Normally I am so nervous I can't see straight. I think after the non-feeling relationship with Scotty, discovering that the EX is happily married, and being dumped by Work Guy after discovering that the Principal who wanted to marry me would never have worked out..... I'm devoid of feeling. Because if you can't feel, you can't get crushed into a million tiny pieces. You CAN, however, have sex :-)
I'm ok with giving up on the idea of true romance with happily ever after, but I don't think I should give up on some nookie until I reach 40. (I reserve the right to reconsider that at 40.)
Monday, September 24, 2012
Diabolical blow by the EX.
The Ex. I keep him locked away as that poor unfortunate 7 years of our lives. I feel guilt for being the crazy person I was. I felt anger at the lazy unresponsive momma's boy he tended to be. But all and all, I hoped he was happy, because he really was my first true love.
days a week, working at a Lube Shop during the day, back to college and dance, teaching kids and feeling like I was too fucked up to be a role model....... It came pouring down on me,
Air Force Guy was back in town and that definitely made me go crazy.
I dumped the EX.
I was so exhausted buy my 80hour work week I would come to the crap apartment I shared with pothead who had an affinity for black guys you could pick up at gas stations after dark, and pass into a coma. I could not open my eyes if the brick shithole had been on fire. Then, there he was sitting over me. Shaking my shoulders that we needed to talk. All the caffeine in heaven could not have made me respond. He told me he love me. Wanted more than anything to be with me.
Messed up pattern after messed up pattern we kept getting back together. He would fuck up, then me. It was all that youth drama pouring out of us.
Last weekend I went to LA to visit my sis and her hubby for her birthday. I haven't actually seen Meghan on her birthday in years, maybe decades. I have been feeling more depressed at my life than I have since I was 19, having panic attacks and driving off roads because I couldn't breath. It is different but the same dark cloud of uncertainty. Where am I going?
But being with them always helps.
At Disneyland, I tried not to think about my last two trips there with the Principal, or the one before that with the EX. Unexpectedly, Meghan asked about the EX. I told her he moved to Colorado, and joked about my stupid phone call to him a few months earlier. He adored our dog Cutter, as anyone in their right mind would. I had been rubbing Cutter's belly and instinctively called the EX. He responded the next day in an acerbic text, but relented a few days later with questions on how everyone was doing.
Meghan laughed, it was so Ex to be that way. I recalled how I had wanted him to be more well read when I was 20, so he bought a book of love poems for us to read in bed- completely oblivious to the fact that reading them aloud mortified me. The one time he had taken me to a restaurant where they had fine diner and dancing, but he couldn't dance to save his life. How he made dinner at his place and selected the romantic channel so we could dance after desert. Or how he used to let me climb him like a monkey in my early dancing days so I could show him how a partner had to react on stage.
Or how after the final time we broke and he moved out and hadn't spoken a word in 3 months he stepped out of a busy bar to take my frantic phone call about how my dad had almost died and I was so sorry I had never asked him how it felt when his father had gone through triple bypass when he was 19. How in the declining months of my father's health, the EX had taken the animals when I needed to focus on work and family hospital visits. Visited dad at the hospital when he was dying. Had fed me my favorite Mexican food while I cried in his lap after my dad was given his last rites. Had made love to me, with no expectations of rekindling, but because I needed it. Came to see me at the condo where our relationship met its demise, to comfort me by caressing my head and telling me my father loved me. Coming to the funeral, too hands off for my liking. For taking walks with me as I tried to exercise more. For taking me into his arms that last time and kissing me passionately, though I was too far gone, and telling me to take that into consideration. He said he always pictured, some day, walking down the street we would run into each other and it would happen. We would be together again. Then months later, watching my dog and cat and my mother's animals while we went to Iowa, coming to jump my car at the airport when I was hysterical and couldn't cope. Giving me his car to take to work the next day so he could get mine fixed for me while keeping all the beasts. For picking me up at a bar some months later with just a call saying I needed him, and holding me all night long without trying for more......\
No, I did not say all of this to my sister and brother in law, but it got my mind thinking. Meghan said she always thought we would have worked if we had met later in life, after all the crazy days had been worn out of us. Instead, we had endured that together. I rather thought we had inflicted it on each other. I told her I felt like such a shit girlfriend, all the things I did to him. All the things I took for granted. But she just laughed, it was meant to be at the time. Wrong timing.
I told her I hoped he was happy. I hoped he had found love. And I really meant it.
For some stupid, unfuckingthinkable reason I looked at his Facebook a week later. On his timeline it said he had gotten married a week ago. My whole world shifted. I was punched in the gut by an invisible gremlin. I couldn't think beyond texting my sister and Ange. I was sobbing uncontrollably. It was mostly disbelief that I had to acknowledge that this very long timeline had come to an end. He was forever out of my reach. Guilt at all I had put him through. Despair that I had not been the one.
But beyond all of that, I was happy that he was not like me. Not stuck in a pattern, but could find true happiness. I didn't envy him. I was thankful he was finally appreciated as he should be. When you truly love someone, you wish them that even as your heart breaks into 84,000 pieces.
The next day at work one of my guys told me I looked good, like I was tired and didn't care but it worked for me. I told him what I learned the night before and he hit on me. I may not care, but I still can shoot you down.
The weeks following this painful revelation have taken its toll on my liver and I am ready to move on.
One word of caution:
To you who have married my EX.. Make him happy or I will return to my 19 year old persona of going ape-shit crazy. I am bigger and stronger now. I am completely capable of ripping every strand of hair from your homely assed head, beating your face and I will make sure your teeth are so broken when you swallow them that your ass will bleed in reminder of the pain you have caused one of the nicest men I have known in my entire life.
And that is all I have to say about that.
| true love | ||
A feeling where you cannot bare to be apart from a certain person for long, where you can clearly picture their face in your mind, where you know you can tell them anything and they will listen, where you don't need to have sex or alcohol to make a night special and just being in each others company makes you forget your troubles.
True love is when the person you love unconditionally feels the same way about you, where you know you can trust each other and never want to be with anyone else ever again. It can be instant 'love at first sight' and can also grow over time.
When i first saw you i knew you were special, not i know i have found my true love.
Start at the beginning.
I was working at a strip club as a waitress/concierge. Get your mind out of the gutter, it was fairly clean. Anyway, the EX had worked there before me and was still friends with the bosses. He taped shows for my manager and came in to hang out a few times. To me, at 19, he looked old. I mean to any 19 year old a 24 year old dude looks old. He would come in, stand as far away from my concierge desk as possible and chit chat. I was a bit keen for my age and knew what he wanted. My manager used to watch me on video and make fun of his attempted flirting. Well, one night he brings me a king sized Snickers with all the innuendo and I just go blunt, as I am less want to be than now.
"So, are you going to ask for my number or hang out against the wall all night?"
He did, and we got together. It was sad really. He didn't know how to date, I wasn't patient enough to teach him. The only thing we had going was sex after hours, and I was getting really sick of only knowing how to be sexual with a guy. At that young, stupid age I thought love was possible. I went back to my Air Force Guy who had that air of being naughty but devotion to who I was, rather than my sexuality. I wanted connection. I wanted sustenance. I was a drowning girl who needed to be loved.
Shortly after Air Force Guy demolished my heart (don't feel bad for me, I get revenge later) I reached out to to the EX as friends. We went down to the new Tempe Town Lakes and there next to the water he told me in the most laid back way possible, that he would be friends with me and that would mean so much...
And we were friends for a couple months. We played the card game War, at which point I lost and showed how much like my lovely mother I can be about losing I believe at one point I stood on his neck, but definitely pinned him to the ground by both arms with my feet and made him cry mercy. Whenever it would start to get tense, I would call a friend to pick me up.
Eventually I said "what the hell" and started sleeping with him again. I made it very clear we were not dating. Then I got him a husky for Christmas. Fucking dog was awesome, but hell on earth. I might as well have given birth for all the blood and grief she brought us. But we loved her. Together. Before saying we loved each other. He calmly waited. Then it got irritating to say he was "the guy I was seeing" so I called him my boyfriend.
And what became a normal January moving forward, I couldn't bare it any more. I felt like I was settling and getting nowhere. My life had gone from dancing to college drop out due to panic attack. Life as a waitress at a strip club
| ||
Air Force Guy was back in town and that definitely made me go crazy.
I dumped the EX.
I was so exhausted buy my 80hour work week I would come to the crap apartment I shared with pothead who had an affinity for black guys you could pick up at gas stations after dark, and pass into a coma. I could not open my eyes if the brick shithole had been on fire. Then, there he was sitting over me. Shaking my shoulders that we needed to talk. All the caffeine in heaven could not have made me respond. He told me he love me. Wanted more than anything to be with me.
Messed up pattern after messed up pattern we kept getting back together. He would fuck up, then me. It was all that youth drama pouring out of us.
Last weekend I went to LA to visit my sis and her hubby for her birthday. I haven't actually seen Meghan on her birthday in years, maybe decades. I have been feeling more depressed at my life than I have since I was 19, having panic attacks and driving off roads because I couldn't breath. It is different but the same dark cloud of uncertainty. Where am I going?
But being with them always helps.
At Disneyland, I tried not to think about my last two trips there with the Principal, or the one before that with the EX. Unexpectedly, Meghan asked about the EX. I told her he moved to Colorado, and joked about my stupid phone call to him a few months earlier. He adored our dog Cutter, as anyone in their right mind would. I had been rubbing Cutter's belly and instinctively called the EX. He responded the next day in an acerbic text, but relented a few days later with questions on how everyone was doing.
Meghan laughed, it was so Ex to be that way. I recalled how I had wanted him to be more well read when I was 20, so he bought a book of love poems for us to read in bed- completely oblivious to the fact that reading them aloud mortified me. The one time he had taken me to a restaurant where they had fine diner and dancing, but he couldn't dance to save his life. How he made dinner at his place and selected the romantic channel so we could dance after desert. Or how he used to let me climb him like a monkey in my early dancing days so I could show him how a partner had to react on stage.
Or how after the final time we broke and he moved out and hadn't spoken a word in 3 months he stepped out of a busy bar to take my frantic phone call about how my dad had almost died and I was so sorry I had never asked him how it felt when his father had gone through triple bypass when he was 19. How in the declining months of my father's health, the EX had taken the animals when I needed to focus on work and family hospital visits. Visited dad at the hospital when he was dying. Had fed me my favorite Mexican food while I cried in his lap after my dad was given his last rites. Had made love to me, with no expectations of rekindling, but because I needed it. Came to see me at the condo where our relationship met its demise, to comfort me by caressing my head and telling me my father loved me. Coming to the funeral, too hands off for my liking. For taking walks with me as I tried to exercise more. For taking me into his arms that last time and kissing me passionately, though I was too far gone, and telling me to take that into consideration. He said he always pictured, some day, walking down the street we would run into each other and it would happen. We would be together again. Then months later, watching my dog and cat and my mother's animals while we went to Iowa, coming to jump my car at the airport when I was hysterical and couldn't cope. Giving me his car to take to work the next day so he could get mine fixed for me while keeping all the beasts. For picking me up at a bar some months later with just a call saying I needed him, and holding me all night long without trying for more......\
No, I did not say all of this to my sister and brother in law, but it got my mind thinking. Meghan said she always thought we would have worked if we had met later in life, after all the crazy days had been worn out of us. Instead, we had endured that together. I rather thought we had inflicted it on each other. I told her I felt like such a shit girlfriend, all the things I did to him. All the things I took for granted. But she just laughed, it was meant to be at the time. Wrong timing.
I told her I hoped he was happy. I hoped he had found love. And I really meant it.
For some stupid, unfuckingthinkable reason I looked at his Facebook a week later. On his timeline it said he had gotten married a week ago. My whole world shifted. I was punched in the gut by an invisible gremlin. I couldn't think beyond texting my sister and Ange. I was sobbing uncontrollably. It was mostly disbelief that I had to acknowledge that this very long timeline had come to an end. He was forever out of my reach. Guilt at all I had put him through. Despair that I had not been the one.
But beyond all of that, I was happy that he was not like me. Not stuck in a pattern, but could find true happiness. I didn't envy him. I was thankful he was finally appreciated as he should be. When you truly love someone, you wish them that even as your heart breaks into 84,000 pieces.
The next day at work one of my guys told me I looked good, like I was tired and didn't care but it worked for me. I told him what I learned the night before and he hit on me. I may not care, but I still can shoot you down.
The weeks following this painful revelation have taken its toll on my liver and I am ready to move on.
One word of caution:
To you who have married my EX.. Make him happy or I will return to my 19 year old persona of going ape-shit crazy. I am bigger and stronger now. I am completely capable of ripping every strand of hair from your homely assed head, beating your face and I will make sure your teeth are so broken when you swallow them that your ass will bleed in reminder of the pain you have caused one of the nicest men I have known in my entire life.
And that is all I have to say about that.
Deaf, Dumb and Blind?
I get it that women are the ones who over-analyze, pick things apart looking for a deeper meaning. But men can't be completely oblivious. Can they?
I have explained my situation with Scotty to Chloe, who was dumbfounded by the fact he would invite me to meet his family when I have cooled off considerably. We haven't discussed any feelings or relationship equators. By the end of September, when he plans to take me to meet parents, we will have been non-exclusively dating for 5 months..... It makes no freaking sense. Here I am, wanting to bring things to an end and he thinks we should plan vacation?
Chloe shared my head scratching at this puzzle. There is something rotten in the state of Denmark. Is he turning a blind eye because he wants someone to hang out with? Does he just not see the signs? Can he believe this is really how relationships progress?
Last week when we drove to Payson for the day I was talking about age and feeling like I have come to the realization that it is all ver for me. I have reached the age where there is little to no hope of getting married, having a family... Those options are fading away. Scotty scoffed, tried to reassure me that I had plenty of time. I kept waiting for him to put two and two together- I'm talking about not finding anyone while I'm travelling with you! Alarm bells! Talk about the future.
That would have been too easy for me. I could have segued into my flawless monologue about how we haven't gotten closer.....
With our empty, repetitive texting and run of the mill conversation.... (I talk about the fucking weather! I hate when people talk about their own weather like they can't just walk outside and figure it the fuck out on their own? No, I need a male to text me about it? Should I just say I don't care when weather comes up. It shouldn't b this hard. Sigh.)
...There aren't any emotions other than friendship developing. (If he was only my friend I could tell him how much it irritates me when he baby talks to his cat. Or over-annunciates my cat's name because I corrected him after three months of him not getting it right. He would text "How is drago?" and I would respond "Draco is an asshole." Yet he would continue to spell it wrong an pronounce it sharply "Dra-Go". So now, he says Dra-CO very, very pointedly and I want to choke the living shit out of him right after I rake my eyeballs out.)
But no, Scotty doesn't seem to notice he is bothering me. He doesn't see we are not swooning over one another. He doesn't hear my monotone side of the conversation, or understand when I do not laugh at his not funny attempts at humor. This cannot be beneficial for him in anyway...... Yet, there he is. Still texting me. I think the guy just needs something to do.
I have explained my situation with Scotty to Chloe, who was dumbfounded by the fact he would invite me to meet his family when I have cooled off considerably. We haven't discussed any feelings or relationship equators. By the end of September, when he plans to take me to meet parents, we will have been non-exclusively dating for 5 months..... It makes no freaking sense. Here I am, wanting to bring things to an end and he thinks we should plan vacation?
Chloe shared my head scratching at this puzzle. There is something rotten in the state of Denmark. Is he turning a blind eye because he wants someone to hang out with? Does he just not see the signs? Can he believe this is really how relationships progress?
Last week when we drove to Payson for the day I was talking about age and feeling like I have come to the realization that it is all ver for me. I have reached the age where there is little to no hope of getting married, having a family... Those options are fading away. Scotty scoffed, tried to reassure me that I had plenty of time. I kept waiting for him to put two and two together- I'm talking about not finding anyone while I'm travelling with you! Alarm bells! Talk about the future.
That would have been too easy for me. I could have segued into my flawless monologue about how we haven't gotten closer.....
With our empty, repetitive texting and run of the mill conversation.... (I talk about the fucking weather! I hate when people talk about their own weather like they can't just walk outside and figure it the fuck out on their own? No, I need a male to text me about it? Should I just say I don't care when weather comes up. It shouldn't b this hard. Sigh.)
...There aren't any emotions other than friendship developing. (If he was only my friend I could tell him how much it irritates me when he baby talks to his cat. Or over-annunciates my cat's name because I corrected him after three months of him not getting it right. He would text "How is drago?" and I would respond "Draco is an asshole." Yet he would continue to spell it wrong an pronounce it sharply "Dra-Go". So now, he says Dra-CO very, very pointedly and I want to choke the living shit out of him right after I rake my eyeballs out.)
But no, Scotty doesn't seem to notice he is bothering me. He doesn't see we are not swooning over one another. He doesn't hear my monotone side of the conversation, or understand when I do not laugh at his not funny attempts at humor. This cannot be beneficial for him in anyway...... Yet, there he is. Still texting me. I think the guy just needs something to do.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Another one bites the dust
After much strained communication with Scotty, it is finally over. A few weeks ago I had strengthened my resolve to throw that fish back in the sea, even role played with Chloe on how to say it right.
"I don't feel like this is working for me. We shouldn't see each other anymore." And other such stuff.
I invited him over for dinner, planning to have the talk but he pushed it back to the weekend. I was irritated that I would have to endure 3 more days of worrying about it, not to mention all the same texts over and over and over again.
Friday night arrived and we went to dinner at Pita Jungle again, because he knows I like that place and was trying to be accommodating. I talked non-stop about all the documentaries I had been watching, so it wasn't all that awkward.... Back at my house he pinned me against the refrigerator and was trying to passionately kiss me. I kept pushing him back, but he was forceful. I shoved at him and said I didn't want to make out. He insisted that he did. He didn't understand why I never wanted to kiss him any more. We sat down on the couch and I started.
"When we would make out before, you would take it as far as you could and I would have to be the one to keep things in check. It was exhausting and frustrating. I got to the point that is was much easier not to make out with you than to have to over think it constantly."
"We should have talked about that."
"We did. It didn't change until I felt I had been mean enough about it."
"Well, I don't want you to feel that way. You were never mean. I'm sorry I wasn't doing my part."
"It's ok. I just don't feel like we're where we should be emotionally for having dated four months."
I kept feeling like it was closing but apparently he felt like we were opening up. This guy just wants to be with someone.
Our texts died away over the weekend and after an entire day without any I thought he may have finally realized what I was talking about. As much as I hated to do it, I texted him.
Me: This isn't working, is it?
Scotty: Doesn't seem that way. I have just kind of given up.
Me: I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Scotty: No need to be sorry.
Now all he is concerned with is getting his pressure cooker back. He offers to come pick it up, I offer to drop it off. He has to control where the stupid pot is exchanged. For two weeks the when and where of getting rid of this thing resulted in a text asking me to place it behind my garbage can and he would pick it up after work. Was it so terribly awkward that he doesn't ever want to see me again? This was a bit ridiculous.
So I texted him that I understood if he didn't want to see me but this was feeling a little weird. I would drop it off at his place, and if he wasn't home I would put it in the alcove by his door. Of course he texted back immediately that it wasn't that he didn't want to see me, was just trying to make things easier. On who?
Whatever possessed me, I checked Facebook and sure enough he had de-friended me. Apparently, it was to make things easier on him.
"I don't feel like this is working for me. We shouldn't see each other anymore." And other such stuff.
I invited him over for dinner, planning to have the talk but he pushed it back to the weekend. I was irritated that I would have to endure 3 more days of worrying about it, not to mention all the same texts over and over and over again.
Friday night arrived and we went to dinner at Pita Jungle again, because he knows I like that place and was trying to be accommodating. I talked non-stop about all the documentaries I had been watching, so it wasn't all that awkward.... Back at my house he pinned me against the refrigerator and was trying to passionately kiss me. I kept pushing him back, but he was forceful. I shoved at him and said I didn't want to make out. He insisted that he did. He didn't understand why I never wanted to kiss him any more. We sat down on the couch and I started.
"When we would make out before, you would take it as far as you could and I would have to be the one to keep things in check. It was exhausting and frustrating. I got to the point that is was much easier not to make out with you than to have to over think it constantly."
"We should have talked about that."
"We did. It didn't change until I felt I had been mean enough about it."
"Well, I don't want you to feel that way. You were never mean. I'm sorry I wasn't doing my part."
"It's ok. I just don't feel like we're where we should be emotionally for having dated four months."
I kept feeling like it was closing but apparently he felt like we were opening up. This guy just wants to be with someone.
Our texts died away over the weekend and after an entire day without any I thought he may have finally realized what I was talking about. As much as I hated to do it, I texted him.
Me: This isn't working, is it?
Scotty: Doesn't seem that way. I have just kind of given up.
Me: I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Scotty: No need to be sorry.
Now all he is concerned with is getting his pressure cooker back. He offers to come pick it up, I offer to drop it off. He has to control where the stupid pot is exchanged. For two weeks the when and where of getting rid of this thing resulted in a text asking me to place it behind my garbage can and he would pick it up after work. Was it so terribly awkward that he doesn't ever want to see me again? This was a bit ridiculous.
So I texted him that I understood if he didn't want to see me but this was feeling a little weird. I would drop it off at his place, and if he wasn't home I would put it in the alcove by his door. Of course he texted back immediately that it wasn't that he didn't want to see me, was just trying to make things easier. On who?
Whatever possessed me, I checked Facebook and sure enough he had de-friended me. Apparently, it was to make things easier on him.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
The Boring Life
Ok, so it seems that romance novels and witty comedy movies have it all wrong. Dating sucks. It is a myriad of disappointments and confusion that do not ALWAYS have a happy ending.
I have been seeing Scotty for a few months now. At first it was all making out. Then the texts with "babe", "sweetie", and other such nonsense emerged. It appeased my loneliness. Made me get out of the house more. Gain weight by eating out more often. He is jokey and fun. But my resolve to wait to have sex did not move. I wanted to feel an emotional connection before pursuing the erotic. And it was making my vagina sad.
Every time we would get together there would be intense kissing, which leads to groping which leads to me putting my foot down and drawing lines. And while he said he respects me for it, he keeps pushing. I became the police. It made my vagina disappear. My sexual hunger for him vanished and try as I might, I haven't been able to get it back.
After a very pleasant make out he slipped into "third base" and I lost control. I said what the hell, but he backed off. It happened again, then again, and I tried to talk about feelings. "I like hanging out with you and seeing where this is going". Ok, that translates to absolutely nothing. The next time it happens and we very nearly have sex, he pulls back again. No condom. I try again with the "how do you feel about me, where is this going" and got the same answer as before at which point I lose all hope of ever getting laid again.
I had enough. If Scotty was waiting to see where this is going he can stay on "first base" like a good little boy. I was starting to feel idiotic with my attempts to keep it PG.
In June I met his best friends, a couple. I liked her, but the male half was a dick. I cried quietly in the bathroom twice that night feeling like I didn't belong.
For the 4th of July I was lucky enough to have my sister and brother-in-law coming to town. I planned a pool party with BBQ and invited my mom and her friend. Start scene: My sis and BIL meet Scotty, we cut veggies and wait for my lovely mother to show. I warn my sis that I told mom to be there around two, which meant she would be there at two and we need to show some sign of work has been done otherwise she will bitch. I have been cleaning frantically so she won't criticize my house. Scotty keeps saying "Would she really make a big deal about that?" Yes, that is what she does, how she works, what she lives for! Doesn't he have a mother?
As we chop, the clock on the stove turns to 2pm and the doorbell rings. Meghan laughs, Scotty's eyebrows hit the roof. In enters my lovely mother with two bags full of her cats. We put them down and the newest one, Emma is screaming like a banshee. I put her in the kitchen where she continues to yowl. My mom is yelling and talking and walks straight into the kitchen where Scotty is still chopping and screams "Shut the hell up!" to Emma.
"Mom, I'd like you to meet Scotty." She turns white.
The rest of the day went ok. It rained, so there was no swimming. I kept trying to get Scotty's tongue out of my ear, which was no longer turning me on but irritating me to the point I considered "accidentally" stabbing him with a fork. I mean, he isn't my boyfriend and even if he was I don't think my family wants to see him trying to impale my ear.
After he left, Meghan inquired about the situation. My response: We are dating and having fun. We'll see where it goes. And said no more. Which isn't me. This isn't me. I'm not really me anymore.
The rest of the week was great, I got to yoga with Jeff and Meggie, make dinner, talk, swim. Meghan surprised me by painting my bedroom. Mom came back and I did not kill her (it was a close call though.) I was so sad after they left. Walking out of yoga I tried to talk to my instructor and was left feeling like I shouldn't have. I walked to my car in tears, wondering when I became so inept at social interaction.
My loneliness had not been abated, it had been distracted. Now it was back in full force. Slamming into me with a dark cloud of depression.
I continued to see Scotty, but I was aloof. His joking manner became less banter and more of a recap of every ridiculous thing I have ever done in his presence or disclosed. If we brought up dinner, he would tease me about how I caught the crock pot on fire when I made eggplant pasta. If I tripped over something, it was tease-fest about how I am constantly clumsy. If I told him not to stick his tongue in my ear, he did it more and laughed. If I was hungry he made fun of my love for pizza, why wasn't I eating pizza, was I going to get pizza? It was as if he prerecorded sound bites of a select things for him to remember about me and used them over and over in an arsenal of what was becoming patronizing jokes.
One night he asks if I will go with him to buy an IPhone then to dinner. I recommend Espo's, great Mexican. He counters with another place. Sigh. Whatever. I don't really care. I thought he understood my punctuality, or lack there of. No, Scotty wants me to be ready AT 7pm, even though I don't get home until 6:30 and have to feed the animals who have been cooped up all day and take a shower. I leave out the shower. He could have gone and gotten his phone without me while I was still at work. After and hour and a half at Sprint, Espo's is closing and we go to Chili's instead. He mocks me for putting his phone bags under the seat. It finally irritates me.
"Fine. If you want someone to break into your car I will set them back out in the open again. I was only trying to help." He is making me feel stupid every time I open my mouth.
Then it was a debate. Whatever I would try to discuss he would turn around. He called me a know it all when I would try to have intelligent conversation. Finally, we achieved the correction stage. We had planned to go to Whole Foods for dinner and a beer followed by some organic shopping. The day we had agreed to go he texts me and asks me what I want to do for date night. Ummm, I thought we were doing the before mentioned? Every time we made plans he questioned them, making me question whether or not he wanted to do something different. It was exhausting! Well, he wanted to know if I was sure. Yes, I was sure. And blah, blah, blah.
I really just wanted to stay home at this point.
So, Scotty picks me up. On the way to the store I strike up conversation about how I have been to Whole Foods a couple times for happy hour.
"A couple? How many is a couple?" I know where this is going and internally roll my eyes.
"Four, maybe five times." He starts laughing and pats my knees. Thank God there are no sharp objects.
"That is more than a couple, babe" He really thinks this is funny.
"Sorry. I have been there a few times then." He continues to laugh and tell me it's ok.
As we walk into the bustling store he continues to correct me and I call him out on it. We look at all the food, and of course he makes a point to say how I will get pizza. I don't. He decides he doesn't want beer and we can just sit someplace else. I gawk at him. I wanted a beer. They have cool beer here. But I grab a soda and can barely look at him while we eat.
The grocery shopping was just as painful. He grabbed a cart and told me to share when I attempted to pick up a basket. Meanwhile, he and the cart took off wherever he wanted to go while I read up on stuff before grabbing it and I was left carrying a bunch of vegetables in my arms and missing the stuff I had wanted to buy because he wanted to move more quickly.
On the short drive home he corrected me again about something and I lost it. I told him how it made me feel, and when he started to angry I thought "Yes!" this is my moment to end this, whatever it is. But he quickly regained his composure and said he didn't want to have that type of relationship with me. This isn't a relationship. This is dating.
And so it began. My downward spiral into feeling nothing. We hang out and I can't wait for it to be over. He is nice enough, but there is nothing there. I am beginning to think there never will be anything ever with anyone. There may never be a happily ever after.
This leads me to my current situation. Scotty and I have been weekend hiking up in Sedona and Payson, but each time I thought I could have done it on my own. Even craved it. I need to break things off, but how do you break up with someone when you're not even officially going out?
Today he texted me that he wants me to go with him to meet his family in the end of September. I have yet to respond. I can't do this anymore!
I have been seeing Scotty for a few months now. At first it was all making out. Then the texts with "babe", "sweetie", and other such nonsense emerged. It appeased my loneliness. Made me get out of the house more. Gain weight by eating out more often. He is jokey and fun. But my resolve to wait to have sex did not move. I wanted to feel an emotional connection before pursuing the erotic. And it was making my vagina sad.
Every time we would get together there would be intense kissing, which leads to groping which leads to me putting my foot down and drawing lines. And while he said he respects me for it, he keeps pushing. I became the police. It made my vagina disappear. My sexual hunger for him vanished and try as I might, I haven't been able to get it back.
After a very pleasant make out he slipped into "third base" and I lost control. I said what the hell, but he backed off. It happened again, then again, and I tried to talk about feelings. "I like hanging out with you and seeing where this is going". Ok, that translates to absolutely nothing. The next time it happens and we very nearly have sex, he pulls back again. No condom. I try again with the "how do you feel about me, where is this going" and got the same answer as before at which point I lose all hope of ever getting laid again.
I had enough. If Scotty was waiting to see where this is going he can stay on "first base" like a good little boy. I was starting to feel idiotic with my attempts to keep it PG.
In June I met his best friends, a couple. I liked her, but the male half was a dick. I cried quietly in the bathroom twice that night feeling like I didn't belong.
For the 4th of July I was lucky enough to have my sister and brother-in-law coming to town. I planned a pool party with BBQ and invited my mom and her friend. Start scene: My sis and BIL meet Scotty, we cut veggies and wait for my lovely mother to show. I warn my sis that I told mom to be there around two, which meant she would be there at two and we need to show some sign of work has been done otherwise she will bitch. I have been cleaning frantically so she won't criticize my house. Scotty keeps saying "Would she really make a big deal about that?" Yes, that is what she does, how she works, what she lives for! Doesn't he have a mother?
As we chop, the clock on the stove turns to 2pm and the doorbell rings. Meghan laughs, Scotty's eyebrows hit the roof. In enters my lovely mother with two bags full of her cats. We put them down and the newest one, Emma is screaming like a banshee. I put her in the kitchen where she continues to yowl. My mom is yelling and talking and walks straight into the kitchen where Scotty is still chopping and screams "Shut the hell up!" to Emma.
"Mom, I'd like you to meet Scotty." She turns white.
The rest of the day went ok. It rained, so there was no swimming. I kept trying to get Scotty's tongue out of my ear, which was no longer turning me on but irritating me to the point I considered "accidentally" stabbing him with a fork. I mean, he isn't my boyfriend and even if he was I don't think my family wants to see him trying to impale my ear.
After he left, Meghan inquired about the situation. My response: We are dating and having fun. We'll see where it goes. And said no more. Which isn't me. This isn't me. I'm not really me anymore.
The rest of the week was great, I got to yoga with Jeff and Meggie, make dinner, talk, swim. Meghan surprised me by painting my bedroom. Mom came back and I did not kill her (it was a close call though.) I was so sad after they left. Walking out of yoga I tried to talk to my instructor and was left feeling like I shouldn't have. I walked to my car in tears, wondering when I became so inept at social interaction.
My loneliness had not been abated, it had been distracted. Now it was back in full force. Slamming into me with a dark cloud of depression.
I continued to see Scotty, but I was aloof. His joking manner became less banter and more of a recap of every ridiculous thing I have ever done in his presence or disclosed. If we brought up dinner, he would tease me about how I caught the crock pot on fire when I made eggplant pasta. If I tripped over something, it was tease-fest about how I am constantly clumsy. If I told him not to stick his tongue in my ear, he did it more and laughed. If I was hungry he made fun of my love for pizza, why wasn't I eating pizza, was I going to get pizza? It was as if he prerecorded sound bites of a select things for him to remember about me and used them over and over in an arsenal of what was becoming patronizing jokes.
One night he asks if I will go with him to buy an IPhone then to dinner. I recommend Espo's, great Mexican. He counters with another place. Sigh. Whatever. I don't really care. I thought he understood my punctuality, or lack there of. No, Scotty wants me to be ready AT 7pm, even though I don't get home until 6:30 and have to feed the animals who have been cooped up all day and take a shower. I leave out the shower. He could have gone and gotten his phone without me while I was still at work. After and hour and a half at Sprint, Espo's is closing and we go to Chili's instead. He mocks me for putting his phone bags under the seat. It finally irritates me.
"Fine. If you want someone to break into your car I will set them back out in the open again. I was only trying to help." He is making me feel stupid every time I open my mouth.
Then it was a debate. Whatever I would try to discuss he would turn around. He called me a know it all when I would try to have intelligent conversation. Finally, we achieved the correction stage. We had planned to go to Whole Foods for dinner and a beer followed by some organic shopping. The day we had agreed to go he texts me and asks me what I want to do for date night. Ummm, I thought we were doing the before mentioned? Every time we made plans he questioned them, making me question whether or not he wanted to do something different. It was exhausting! Well, he wanted to know if I was sure. Yes, I was sure. And blah, blah, blah.
I really just wanted to stay home at this point.
So, Scotty picks me up. On the way to the store I strike up conversation about how I have been to Whole Foods a couple times for happy hour.
"A couple? How many is a couple?" I know where this is going and internally roll my eyes.
"Four, maybe five times." He starts laughing and pats my knees. Thank God there are no sharp objects.
"That is more than a couple, babe" He really thinks this is funny.
"Sorry. I have been there a few times then." He continues to laugh and tell me it's ok.
As we walk into the bustling store he continues to correct me and I call him out on it. We look at all the food, and of course he makes a point to say how I will get pizza. I don't. He decides he doesn't want beer and we can just sit someplace else. I gawk at him. I wanted a beer. They have cool beer here. But I grab a soda and can barely look at him while we eat.
The grocery shopping was just as painful. He grabbed a cart and told me to share when I attempted to pick up a basket. Meanwhile, he and the cart took off wherever he wanted to go while I read up on stuff before grabbing it and I was left carrying a bunch of vegetables in my arms and missing the stuff I had wanted to buy because he wanted to move more quickly.
On the short drive home he corrected me again about something and I lost it. I told him how it made me feel, and when he started to angry I thought "Yes!" this is my moment to end this, whatever it is. But he quickly regained his composure and said he didn't want to have that type of relationship with me. This isn't a relationship. This is dating.
And so it began. My downward spiral into feeling nothing. We hang out and I can't wait for it to be over. He is nice enough, but there is nothing there. I am beginning to think there never will be anything ever with anyone. There may never be a happily ever after.
This leads me to my current situation. Scotty and I have been weekend hiking up in Sedona and Payson, but each time I thought I could have done it on my own. Even craved it. I need to break things off, but how do you break up with someone when you're not even officially going out?
Today he texted me that he wants me to go with him to meet his family in the end of September. I have yet to respond. I can't do this anymore!
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